The Final Payment Became Due

Image from Blake Wisz 
On UnSplash

For fifty plus years I put off the inevitable, I was born to be a woman. 

I put it off for years by making partial payments to allow my male self to exist. Slowly but surely my gender currency ran out and I needed to make a change before the process killed me. As I made payments, I needed to decide (or try to) just exactly what it was I paying for. Similar to so many, I spent years believing I was engaged in a harmless past-time of just wanting to look like a girl. All along, deep down, I knew the process wasn't working because the problem was never solved. I would dress in front of the mirror and for a couple of days following, I would be satisfied with myself but then the satisfaction began to fade and life became hell for me again and again. My natural response was to keep making payments to put off the truth of my gender aspirations.

After awhile, even I learned how to better my appearance so I could escape my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. In many ways, during this time, I considered myself a very serious cross dresser or transvestite. There was no way possible I was just innocently pursuing being a feminine person. I was going all out to get my money's worth by starting to interact with the public. In fact, I was beginning to feel as if I would be more comfortable labeling myself as transgender since I was making all the payments. 

It was about this time when I started to scrape together all of inner collateral I could find to take bigger and bigger chances in the world. I began to go to straight and lesbian bars and left the so called safe gay venues behind. By doing so, I met a whole new set of surprisingly accepting people I could associate with. In other words, I was getting my money's worth and I wanted more and more. To do so, I needed to become increasingly creative on how I spent my time. So, I began to do activities  such as Christmas shopping as well as doing a portion of the grocery shopping for the house. Any thing to experience more of the world as my authentic self. 

Through it all, I could finally see the end to all my gender payments. Several friends who I mention often helped me build confidence in myself. And sadly when my wife passed away, the main obstacle to transitioning into a full time transgender woman was put behind me. Even still, seeing the possibility of making the final payment was not an easy one to consider. I had worked too long to succeed in a male world for it to be cast aside easily. 

Finally, the powers to be said no more payments and with considerable help, I made the final gender leap of faith. Out went the old unwanted male clothes and I set out to take what I learned and make the most of the process. It was at once exciting as well as terrifying but I made it. All in all, the final payment was a relief when it was due.  

Day Dreamer

 

Recent PicNic. Liz on Right.

Throughout all the years of my life, I wish I could reclaim just a small portion of the time I lost day dreaming of my gender issues.

Of course I am referring to are the times when I zoned out of my reality into a world where I left my unwanted male world behind and live as a female. I vividly remember having a complete crush on the girls who sat around me during study halls in junior high as well as high school. I never had a sexual crush, I really wanted to be them. During the years which followed, my feelings towards women never really changed until I married and began to have a differing view of women after observing them close up. I found in many ways, women and men face similar challenges. Just on different stages. 

Through it all, I wanted to still be feminine and spent plenty of time thinking and worrying about the process. During the Vietnam War era, I was jealous of women since they couldn't be drafted into the military which was probably my peak of wanting to be a female. For awhile, during the rigors of going through Army Basic Training, I was able to briefly escape the even stronger stresses of living with gender problems. I say briefly,  because it wasn't very long until my old gender issues returned. In fact, one of my best day dreams was to reappear in front of my fiancé who ditched me just before I was to leave to join the military. In the worst way, I wanted to come back in a new car looking better than she did. Revenge would be sweet but it never came. You might say, as I grew into my authentic self, I moved past her altogether. 

It ended up requiring nearly a total male to female gender transition for me to mostly completely lose being a day dreamer. The more issues and even problems I encountered as a transgender woman taught me I didn't have to day dream about the transition process any longer. As I said, it is important to note not all the day dreams I felt turned out to be good. I ended up living through too many negative life experiences which for the most part revolved around my new appearance and where I tried to do in my new life. Perhaps one of the main lessons I learned was women were always on stage. Men admired them from one angle while other women did also for totally different reasons. It was quite the learning process and robbed me of any extra time I had to day dream.

Sadly, we only have one life to live and I can't go back and reclaim any of the time and energy I lost when I was a novice transgender woman. On the other hand, the experiences I gained from my life could not be traded for anything I could have ever expected. Now my day dream problem has been reversed so I don't live too much in the past.  

Normalcy is for the Weak

 

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

Growing up, my expectations from "Greatest Generation" era parents were to fit into the square peg to square hole example. 

To me, it meant being a "normal" boy. Loving sports and playing in the woods next door. The only problem of course was I didn't want anything to do with much of anything associated with being a male. For years and years, I just thought I was not normal as I was sure there couldn't be anyone else who felt the same way I did. 

Ironically, for the shortest period of time, I did encounter a friend in my tweener years who very much leaned towards to being a serious cross dresser or transvestite as it was known back then. Before our experimentations into his Mom's wardrobe and makeup progressed too far, he moved far away. I was left once again thinking I was the only one into being feminine. 

As I went through life, I felt I was never "normal" primarily because of my gender dysphoria which I knew I had long before the term transgender was ever used. The farther I progressed however, I learned I was attracted to others who were not "normal" by society's standards. I think deep down I was attracted to them because I thought they would be the friends who would accept my authentic transgender self. Sadly, once I was starting to embrace my non-normal self, I was forced into the ultimate square peg into a square hole experience, known as Army basic training. BCT was the ultimate team building experience. 

Ironically, the exact opposite happened to me. Surviving basic gave me the tools I needed to further embrace who I was. I knew if I put my mind to something, I could be a success, even if it was in a so-called normal profession. Much to my parent's chagrin I ended up for years as a radio disc jockey. A profession long on enjoyment but extremely short on money. As I struggled financially, I added a daughter who directly caused me to seek a more settled environment. From there I found myself in a thirty year (plus) career in the commercial restaurant business. Little did I know, the food business back in those days was in an incredible expansion phase. Allowing me to jump jobs as I tried to out run my gender issues. From the outside looking in, I am sure I appeared a little more than a little crazy. During that period, I was fond of telling anyone who appeared interested I was not normal.

It turned out, through it all, I was normal. Once I did transition into the life of my authentic transgender self, I calmed down and began to realize all of the sudden once I was living as my true self, I was normal. 

The path I took to get there was not at all easy and not for the weak of heart. I just needed to be the round peg being pushed into the round hole.