Into a Gender Corner

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

Through no fault of my own, or maybe then again it was all my fault, I painted myself into a gender corner over the years.

Similar to most of you with non-approving family structures, I did all I could to hide the fact all I really wanted in life was to live a feminine life. To get by in my secret world I initially "borrowed" my Mom's clothes until I quickly outgrew them. I then supplemented my meager allowance for work I did around the house by delivering newspapers. With the money, I again snuck out and was able to buy a few clothes and make up. 

Little did I know every success I had, helped me move a little closer to painting myself into a gender corner later in life. As I painted my way through life I was finally becoming semi successful in presenting successfully as a novice transgender woman after going through the developmental stage of being a cross dresser or transvestite. It is important to note during this time, the only other person I was receiving regular feedback from was myself. Because I was the girl in the mirror. The feedback was usually always positive no matter how bad I looked. My excuse was usually, I was only a nice wig and outfit away from being prettier. Which was true to an extent.

As I grew older and more independent, the faster I began to paint my new gender picture. Experiences became more intense as I attacked the world as a trans woman. I was meeting more and more people who only knew my feminine side at the same time I was attempting to still live part time as my old male self. He was doing his best to slow down the gender transition process as he fought giving up all of his hard earned male privileges. The problem for him became when the painting became so successful and pleasurable. For the first time in my life, I was able to experience living my gender dream and I was not scared to paint myself into a corner and see what happened.

In fact, I think I threw caution to the wind too many times when I tried to go too many places where I was well known as a man. Looking back, I think I wanted to be discovered for the true person I was. At any rate, I never stopped the route I was heading and kept painting. And, just when I had almost completed painting myself into a gender corner, along came destiny to bail me out. 

What happened was a triad of happenings which made it possible for my previous painting to dry and for me to walkout nearly unscathed. First of all was when my disapproving wife of twenty five years passed away, leaving me very lonely but with an unopposed path to a Male to Female Gender Transition. The second part of the triad was I was nearly old enough to retire and not have to continue working as I crossed the gender border. Plus, the third part of the triad was the circle of friends I had built up as a transgender woman. They all helped me to understand what I would need t to finish my paint job and not get into a corner as a woman.

I was able to find my way out of the gender corner I had built my way into before it was too late. Many times the process was difficult and I almost didn't make it. Which included several self destructive episodes in my life including suicide. But I finished my painting and I love it.   

Transgender Recipe

Image from Callum Hill
on UnSplash

Every now and then I am asked how I negotiated a difficult and often impossible gender journey. 

As I have been able to sit back and look at my path, I know my recipe for success is in some cases very different from other transgender women  but at the same time eerily similar. An example would be those of you of an age close to mine (73) needed to endure years in a very dark and isolated closet in the pre-internet and social media era. For years, I was convinced no one else shared my own gender issues. My own recipe for success as a novice cross dresser or transvestite (or whatever you happened to call it) turned into a recipe for survival.

Through all the down days of questioning what gender I was, life went on as I built into my recipe different ways to survive in a male world I wanted no part of. I mainly resorted to existing in a very lonely life as the girl in the mirror. The major problem was the girl in the mirror always provided positive feedback no matter how poor I really looked. The learning curve proved to be a challenge since I had no real peer influence to help me. 

My recipe didn't really change for years as I basically just bided my time until I graduated high school and college. Then waited for the military to draft me into their world which shattered any of my possible future cross dressing ventures. They would have to be on hold for my three year enlistment. Surprisingly my recipe did not include my first adventure in letting others in (or coming out) to a select few others. I write often about the Halloween party I went to in Germany when I had approximately a year left to serve, as a prostitute. Weeks later, when my "costume" came up among friends. over many quality German beers I admitted I was not wearing a "costume", I was a transvestite. Even though I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, I then had to begin to worry about being outed to my superiors and being ushered out of the military with a dis-honorable discharge. Fortunately, I wasn't. I served out my final year and was honorably discharged. With my gender issues safely hidden away.

Following my return to the civilian world, my interaction with others as a transvestite revolved basically around the various Halloween parties I went to as a woman. During the parties I was able to mix in interacting with the world as a novice transgender woman into my recipe. The lessons learned are basically too many to share in this blog post but the most important ingredient I added to my gender recipe was the fact I just may be able to exist in the feminine world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly how much I enjoyed it. 

From there my life became much more complex as I enforced my ever-evolving gender recipe. I was at once elated but  at the same time terrified to be giving up what was left of my male life. I suspect those of you followed a somewhat similar path as you wrote and followed your own recipe for gender success. It remains amazing to me how far I have come since the deep dark days in the closet I survived years ago. 

The Great Pivot

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Very few human beings ever attempt such a major change such as crossing the gender border. 

For me, pivoting into the feminine world as a transgender woman took me years to complete. In fact some would argue I am still working on the process. A complete pivot doesn't end until you are safely in the grave with your chosen gender intact. In my case I am very fortunate in that I have two strong trans allies who I hope will survive me. Plus I plan on simplifying the funeral procedure to the maximum since I am requesting cremation and no services to speak of, unless close friends and family want to gather for some sort of a celebration of life service. 

Before you begin to think this whole post is going to pertain to death and dying, it is not as there is plenty more to discuss in a gender pivot. First of all, you have to figure out how you are going to appear as the gender you perceive to be your authentic self. Since many of us begin our journey in the pre-testosterone time in our life, the transformation into a girl is often much easier. Until the pesky masculine hormone began to make it's presence known and the process known as testosterone poisoning began to set in. All of a sudden, the great pivot became harder to pull off for most of us.  Unless you are one of the few males who are feminine in nature. I was not and the struggle became real.

As we grow up, society becomes a problem also. Peer and adult pressures combine to attempt to force us into pre-conceived gender norms which are difficult to escape. Again, I grew up in a very patriarch influenced world and being the oldest son, I was expected to conform to the expectations of the "Greatest Generation" made up of survivors of the Great Depression and  WWII. My Dad served in the war and one of my uncles was a drill sergeant. So you get the idea of what I was facing. I was so intimidated by the idea of letting anyone into my desire to pivot my gender, I waited until after my Dad and uncle passed away before I did it. As far as the rest of society was concerned, I finally arrived at the point where I didn't care.

The point I did arrive at was the point where I was able to pivot more or less gracefully in the public's eye. I say more or less because of the many blunders I made with my attempts at taking my mirror image public. I needed to conquer all the challenges of wardrobe, movement and communication before I could even conceive of moving forward. Slowly but surely I did learn and was successful enough to build the authentic self from scratch. 

Looking back now, I think learning all the basics of communication with the world as a woman was the most difficult part of my great pivot. Most likely, because I had all the time I needed to practice the art of dressing and making up as a feminine person. Interaction with the world in all situations was many times a shock and took me time to become used to.

In many ways, my pivot was a lifetime labor of love. One I had no choice in but then again wouldn't force it on my worst enemy. Then again, the whole process may do them some good.