Into a Gender Corner

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

Through no fault of my own, or maybe then again it was all my fault, I painted myself into a gender corner over the years.

Similar to most of you with non-approving family structures, I did all I could to hide the fact all I really wanted in life was to live a feminine life. To get by in my secret world I initially "borrowed" my Mom's clothes until I quickly outgrew them. I then supplemented my meager allowance for work I did around the house by delivering newspapers. With the money, I again snuck out and was able to buy a few clothes and make up. 

Little did I know every success I had, helped me move a little closer to painting myself into a gender corner later in life. As I painted my way through life I was finally becoming semi successful in presenting successfully as a novice transgender woman after going through the developmental stage of being a cross dresser or transvestite. It is important to note during this time, the only other person I was receiving regular feedback from was myself. Because I was the girl in the mirror. The feedback was usually always positive no matter how bad I looked. My excuse was usually, I was only a nice wig and outfit away from being prettier. Which was true to an extent.

As I grew older and more independent, the faster I began to paint my new gender picture. Experiences became more intense as I attacked the world as a trans woman. I was meeting more and more people who only knew my feminine side at the same time I was attempting to still live part time as my old male self. He was doing his best to slow down the gender transition process as he fought giving up all of his hard earned male privileges. The problem for him became when the painting became so successful and pleasurable. For the first time in my life, I was able to experience living my gender dream and I was not scared to paint myself into a corner and see what happened.

In fact, I think I threw caution to the wind too many times when I tried to go too many places where I was well known as a man. Looking back, I think I wanted to be discovered for the true person I was. At any rate, I never stopped the route I was heading and kept painting. And, just when I had almost completed painting myself into a gender corner, along came destiny to bail me out. 

What happened was a triad of happenings which made it possible for my previous painting to dry and for me to walkout nearly unscathed. First of all was when my disapproving wife of twenty five years passed away, leaving me very lonely but with an unopposed path to a Male to Female Gender Transition. The second part of the triad was I was nearly old enough to retire and not have to continue working as I crossed the gender border. Plus, the third part of the triad was the circle of friends I had built up as a transgender woman. They all helped me to understand what I would need t to finish my paint job and not get into a corner as a woman.

I was able to find my way out of the gender corner I had built my way into before it was too late. Many times the process was difficult and I almost didn't make it. Which included several self destructive episodes in my life including suicide. But I finished my painting and I love it.