The Transgender North Star

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

When you are lost, you are encouraged to follow the North Star to find your way out of certain bad situations.

Over the years I learned I had my own personal North Star which guided me through many bad times. Of course there were the times when I was a novice transvestite or cross dresser when my mirror let me down and I was roundly laughed at when I tried to go out in public. Tears flowed when I made it back to the safety of my own home. After I dried my tears I was able to check out my own North Star and determine which direction I should take next. Time after time, my star showed me the way to trying over and over again until I finally began to improve my presentation and my confidence began to improve. 

More than anything I needed my North Star to guide me when I was in times of need. Most of my need was felt when I was trying to decide to go ever forward in my gender transition.  Each step required more and more of an effort to shed my old male past and acquire a new female future. Naturally I had a lot to lose such as a good job, family, and long time friends. I was obsessed with the process I found myself in. I had so much to lose but one of the main positives I felt about the process was I felt so natural when I actively pursued my feminine side. Which, if I followed my North Star I would have known my feminine self was by far my dominate side.

I was stubborn and after many dark cloudy nights when I couldn't see my North Star, I blundered ahead trying to find my way in the world. What was happening was I was stripping all of my old male privileges and not replacing them with anything. There just had to be more to being a transgender woman than just looking the part. There was but I had to follow the lead of my star to find it. I learned quickly the feminine privilege I felt was mainly an internal process. What occurred was I found I lost my intelligence but gained my confidence to not care. More importantly I learned whatever woman I was about to become, there was a cis-woman already doing it. If I wanted to still be into sports, I found friends who shared my interest was a primary example.

The more I learned, the more I needed my North Star to guide me. I was in uncharted territory, I had no history growing up as a girl to fall back on. I needed to know who to trust when I met strangers in public, both men and women. Other women were especially difficult to judge because they were skilled back stabbers. Many times I would escape without scars after an encounter with another woman who I thought accepted me. 

When I arrived at the point when I needed to consider throwing my male past totally behind me  and begin hormone replacement therapy. I needed plenty of alone time with my North Star to decide which gender direction I would take. The more I researched my future, the more I came up with the same answer...I was destined to lead the rest of my life as a transgender woman. Fulltime without ever looking back. My North Star after much deliberation, led me to the right decision and I decided to move forward in my transition.

When I did, there were still many gender hills to climb but most importantly I didn't feel lost anymore. My transgender North Star led me in the right direction.

Define or Refine

1940 Image of
Virginia Prince

 Refining your image in your chosen gender is always a challenge. We spend countless hours working on  and obsessing about our appearances. 

Last night I watched the documentary "Casa Susanna" on the "PBS" Network and came away impressed by many of the MtF gender transformations which were featured. The feature took me back to my days when I was first attempting to come out in the world as a woman. As far as a more complete review of the show, I will direct you to Stana's Femulate Blog where she has one. Since I remembered the oppressive days when "Casa" was active, my over-riding hope was/is we never have to go back with all the anti-LGBTQ laws which are being passed. 

I remember too the impact early transgender pioneer "Virginia Prince" had on me along with her "Transvestia" publication when she was mentioned on the show.  I know how eagerly I awaited a new edition every time it was due. After all, it was the only connection I had with others in the outside world with similar transvestite or cross dressing experiences. Reading the publication made me feel good in that there were others like me. But another factor always lingered. By looking at the featured "girls" I wanted to refine my image to possibly resemble them. I remember dedicating myself to working as hard as I could to get to my goal of being an attractive woman.  

As time went on, I followed the lead of "Transvestia" and found organizations I could actually meet with when they had mixers (or meet ups) which were close enough for me to attend. The need to meet others in person was strong and I learned many things everytime I went. First I tried to go all out with my appearance but sadly found myself lacking when I encountered the impossibly feminine "A" list women as I called them. There was no way I could come close to looking as feminine as they did so I had to settle for the next best thing, knowing I needed to work even harder to try to refine my approach. 

Of course the more I tried to refine my gender appearance, the more I wanted to try. I became obsessed on losing weight when I could and taking extra care of skin to aid my transition. Before I knew it, I was seriously considering if I fit the mold of a transgender woman. Once I did, I knew I would need to accomplish quite a bit more before I could go further down my new chosen gender path,  But I did and decided to keep following the path I was on. By doing so, I needed to refine exactly who I wanted my new woman to be and begin to communicate with the world.

Refinement became a huge task because I already had defined what I wanted which was to see if I could live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. After much work and refining I found I could. Plus , I enjoyed help from my friends I can never leave out. More than they will ever know, they helped me to define who I was and believe in myself. In many ways, even though I have defined myself as a transgender woman, I still work daily on refining who I am. 

The Fear Factor

Fear Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash

No matter how you identify in the transgender community (or beyond into the LGBTQ world) fear on occasion dictates what you are able to do when you go out in the world.

I'm referring to the all encompassing terrifying paralysis you feel when you think you have been able to dress your prettiest and put on your best makeup to go out the door as a novice transgender woman or transvestite / cross dresser. I mention the different labels because they matter to so many in the community.

Of course, in my case, fear of discovery was always a part of who I was. What if the small world as I knew it discovered my deep dark secret of wanting to be feminine. What if my parents found out I rather have the baby doll on Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted? I knew my life would immediately change for the worst and most certainly I would lose my small circle of friends. I felt my overall paranoia was well deserved.

Through all the fear, I managed to keep moving forward. I slowly learned how to dress myself in my chosen gender and became relatively proficient at putting makeup on. During that time I was lucky in that I only had to answer to the mirror. There was no one else. I am sure if my Mom had ever caught me she would not have taken the time to help me be more convincing as a girl. I would have been in for appointments to therapists who back in those days had no idea of how to deal with a transgender client. Many still don't.

Fear was my first and only companion for years as I came out into the world. I can remember how scared I was when I decided to leave the gay venues I was going to and try to make it in the real world of straight places. I don't know now how I did make it but I did. Slowly but surely I was able to use my fear as a motivator and it became one of my best accessories. I think now it pushed me on to be better and improve so I could convince the world I belonged. To this day, memories of past rejections keeps me on my transgender game. Even though I don't put all of the time and effort into my appearance that I used to, I still have the motivation to look better than the average cis-woman who for the most part does nothing when she goes out in the public's eye. I am fortunate in that I have been able to undertake hormone replacement therapy and it has provided me the feminine basics to get by. Such as my own hair, breasts, hips and softer/smoother skin.  

Since anxiety of all kinds has had a tendency to rule my life from many different angles other than just being transgender, I have been able to develop my own set of coping skills to survive. For instance, now I have learned not to be shy in public and be proud of who I am.  It helps to combat the basic fear I have always had of strangers as I was always naturally shy around people I didn't know. I remember a class I needed to take in high school where I was required to be up front at a podium and give a prepared speech. Yes I was scared but I made it through it and the entire process taught me a valuable lesson that I could make it if I tried. Sort of how I was afraid somehow I wouldn't make it through Army basic training so I tried harder and made it. Lessons learned which I used when I began to go out in public as a woman scared to death. If I could only make it the first time, I could make it forever. 

Of course forever turned out to be an elusive term because it took me many more tries to fail before I was successful in my overall presentation as a transgender woman.

After I developed my coping skills and gathered my courage, the fear factor turned out to be beneficial for me.