Gender Secrets

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
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Transgender women and trans men most certainly carry their share of secrets during their life. 

My secrets started quite early. The first I can remember were when I was asked what I wanted to be later in life. Instead of the usual answers (which adults wanted to hear) such as a doctor or a lawyer, all I could secretly think of was I wanted to grow up to be was a woman.  Little did I know, the secrets in my life were just beginning. First there were times I needed to sneak around my families' back to try to just look like a feminine person in my mirror. 

As I said, those were the "easy" secrets to keep as I kept my small feminine wardrobe hidden from my family. Plus, every cent of my hard earned money went to adding new items of clothing or makeup. I worked a newspaper route at a young age as well as earning a meager allowance by doing household chores. All helped to invigorate my passion to be female. Somehow I still managed to hide my secret from my family.

Other secrets I could never share with anyone else were many and varied. For example, when I was a defensive end on the high school football team all I really wanted to be was a cheerleader in one of their short flouncy skirts. Then there were the two proms I went to when I was a junior and senior in high school. There was no way I wanted to be the male in the relationships. I wanted so bad to be the person in the beautiful prom dress with the corsage I needed to buy. I wonder now if there was anyone else to talk to about my feelings would it have led to much change. As it was, it would not have been possible because I was still living in the pre-internet dark ages before  Even if therapy was available to me, no one knew anything about my gender issues. I actually did try to bring my cross dressing up to one therapist after I served my time in the Army and was roundly rejected. It wasn't until I discovered a therapist who specialized in gender issues did I get any relief. She told me there was nothing she could do about my being a transvestite or cross dresser but I was also bi-polar and could help me by prescribing medications. The medication did relieve much of my depression.

By the time I began to consider getting serious with women to the point of marriage, I quickly experienced the positive and the negative of keeping gender secrets. My first time of sharing my secret with a woman who was my first fiancé was a total disaster. She held it against me later when I was facing being drafted into the military. Even with this experience, I was determined to not change how I disclosed my deepest secrets to the women I was very interested in. By doing so, my first and second wives knew before they married me that I was a transvestite. As it turned out, telling them did not have any real effects until I began leaning towards being transgender with my second wife. Even though we fought continually concerning what my gender desires were, at least for the most part I was out front about who I was.

It took me many years to learn but all my years of thinking women had it easier in life, I was wrong. When I found I needed to put my secrets away and begin to peel back the multi layered life's women I was wrong. I needed to experience the same path females follow before they can claim the title of being women. Sadly, some never make it and just can only claim to be female. Which is a subject for a whole other blog post.

In the meantime, it is so enlightening to be able to not having to keep so many heavy gender secrets....secret.  

Transgender Doors

 

Image from Nathan Wright 
on UnSplash

Anyway you look at it, doors are meant to be opened. No matter how scary and difficult the door may appear, to try to see what is beyond it is a part of being human.

As a transgender woman or trans man we have many doors to go through to live as our authentic selves. The first door I remember distinctly was the one when I fought to free myself from the mirror and venture out into a feminine world. The entire process was scary and required maximum effort for me to succeed. Primarily I needed to always remember to keep trying, no matter what the circumstances. Along the way, many times, I needed to turn my tears of public failure into eventual success. 

Another door I needed to go through in the beginning was the fact I was going to have to succeed as a transgender woman on my own. My wife knew I was a transvestite or cross dresser but constantly remined me she never signed up to live with another woman. I understood and went about learning all I could about being a trans person on my own. To do it, I needed to do many things I am not proud of, then and now. Primarily, I was going out on her to be with another woman who turned out to be me. Sadly, I would go to any lengths to further my goal of exploring the world as a feminine person. 

As I began to see progress in my presentation as a transgender woman, it just so happened I found many more doors I needed to open and go through. First and foremost I needed to decide I was transgender and what the term meant to me. I needed to leave the transvestite term behind, as well as any idea I was anything more than a very serious cross dresser. Taking the whole process a step further, I had to face the one fact I had always secretly known about me, I wanted to do much more than just look like a woman. I had known for many years I had lost any attraction to just wearing the clothes and needed more. I also learned each door I had the courage to go through showed me how natural the process was for me. 

I learned also some doors opened easier than others. Basic communication with the world was an example of a very heavy and difficult door. First I needed to establish my own self confidence before I could even attempt to communicate with others. Especially other women. I learned to look strangers in the eye and not care if they thought I was transgender or not. Once I did, I needed to establish my new personality which involved opening a whole different door. I most certainly did not want to come off as an unfriendly or somehow evil person. After all, how many humans have the chance to rebuild another person from scratch. The pressure was on not to screw it up since I had such a wonderful knowledge of how both primary genders operate. I desperately wanted to be a person someone would want to know. 

Even though I found many doors I needed to open and negotiate, I loved the inherent excitement of gender discovery. No matter how heavy or how scary I managed to keep going forward to my goal of living full time as a transgender woman.

That Missing Something

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

Throughout my life it seemed there was always something missing. No matter how big or small the occasion was, I was never satisfied.

For the longest time I blamed my parents because of the way I was raised. Nothing was ever good enough for either of them. If I managed an "A" in any subject I studied should have somehow earned an "A+". So it was easy to blame my parents for everything. After I began to think about it years later, another idea began to be considered.

What if all those years later I was missing a key ingredient and that was gender. My excuse is it took so long for me to come to terms with the fact I was a transgender woman. Perhaps it was the reason I could never be completely satisfied with anything I was doing. An example would be the professional baseball games I was asked to go to by one of the companies I worked for. Here I was enjoying the game with other managers and I was busily admiring the beautiful women I saw and wishing I was them. A huge part of my life was missing and I couldn't totally enjoy anything because of it. I wish I could get back just a portion of the time I waisted dwelling on my gender issues.

Finally I was able to transition fully enough that I was able to not spend all my time admiring other women. Through experience I was able to understand what they went through to appear the way they did and furthermore no cis-woman was secure in her looks completely anyway. Women lead a multi layered existence and it most certainly takes awhile to learn all of the layers. Proving once again we transgender women have every right in the world to call ourselves "women". We just became from pursuing a different journey than those women who were born female. That extremely negative female you may know possibly missed a step or two in her development to cause her to react to the world the way she does.  She could be jealous of your trans-femininity. 

As we go through life, most certainly it is impossible not to miss out on many possibilities. It turned out to be impossible for me to experience the life of the girls I was so jealous of when I was growing up. They were developing the curves I wanted while all I was getting was hard angles in my body. It took me years plus the addition of hormone placement therapy to develop curves of my own. 

It turns out, the missing something in my life was my gender. When I finally began to live more and more as a transgender woman, I was able to figure it out. By the time I did, I couldn't do anything about the time I lost but I could take the opportunity to grow into the woman I always wanted (or should have) been. When I did, my entire life was more complete and the missing something just went away.