Transgender Doors

 

Image from Nathan Wright 
on UnSplash

Anyway you look at it, doors are meant to be opened. No matter how scary and difficult the door may appear, to try to see what is beyond it is a part of being human.

As a transgender woman or trans man we have many doors to go through to live as our authentic selves. The first door I remember distinctly was the one when I fought to free myself from the mirror and venture out into a feminine world. The entire process was scary and required maximum effort for me to succeed. Primarily I needed to always remember to keep trying, no matter what the circumstances. Along the way, many times, I needed to turn my tears of public failure into eventual success. 

Another door I needed to go through in the beginning was the fact I was going to have to succeed as a transgender woman on my own. My wife knew I was a transvestite or cross dresser but constantly remined me she never signed up to live with another woman. I understood and went about learning all I could about being a trans person on my own. To do it, I needed to do many things I am not proud of, then and now. Primarily, I was going out on her to be with another woman who turned out to be me. Sadly, I would go to any lengths to further my goal of exploring the world as a feminine person. 

As I began to see progress in my presentation as a transgender woman, it just so happened I found many more doors I needed to open and go through. First and foremost I needed to decide I was transgender and what the term meant to me. I needed to leave the transvestite term behind, as well as any idea I was anything more than a very serious cross dresser. Taking the whole process a step further, I had to face the one fact I had always secretly known about me, I wanted to do much more than just look like a woman. I had known for many years I had lost any attraction to just wearing the clothes and needed more. I also learned each door I had the courage to go through showed me how natural the process was for me. 

I learned also some doors opened easier than others. Basic communication with the world was an example of a very heavy and difficult door. First I needed to establish my own self confidence before I could even attempt to communicate with others. Especially other women. I learned to look strangers in the eye and not care if they thought I was transgender or not. Once I did, I needed to establish my new personality which involved opening a whole different door. I most certainly did not want to come off as an unfriendly or somehow evil person. After all, how many humans have the chance to rebuild another person from scratch. The pressure was on not to screw it up since I had such a wonderful knowledge of how both primary genders operate. I desperately wanted to be a person someone would want to know. 

Even though I found many doors I needed to open and negotiate, I loved the inherent excitement of gender discovery. No matter how heavy or how scary I managed to keep going forward to my goal of living full time as a transgender woman.