That Missing Something

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

Throughout my life it seemed there was always something missing. No matter how big or small the occasion was, I was never satisfied.

For the longest time I blamed my parents because of the way I was raised. Nothing was ever good enough for either of them. If I managed an "A" in any subject I studied should have somehow earned an "A+". So it was easy to blame my parents for everything. After I began to think about it years later, another idea began to be considered.

What if all those years later I was missing a key ingredient and that was gender. My excuse is it took so long for me to come to terms with the fact I was a transgender woman. Perhaps it was the reason I could never be completely satisfied with anything I was doing. An example would be the professional baseball games I was asked to go to by one of the companies I worked for. Here I was enjoying the game with other managers and I was busily admiring the beautiful women I saw and wishing I was them. A huge part of my life was missing and I couldn't totally enjoy anything because of it. I wish I could get back just a portion of the time I waisted dwelling on my gender issues.

Finally I was able to transition fully enough that I was able to not spend all my time admiring other women. Through experience I was able to understand what they went through to appear the way they did and furthermore no cis-woman was secure in her looks completely anyway. Women lead a multi layered existence and it most certainly takes awhile to learn all of the layers. Proving once again we transgender women have every right in the world to call ourselves "women". We just became from pursuing a different journey than those women who were born female. That extremely negative female you may know possibly missed a step or two in her development to cause her to react to the world the way she does.  She could be jealous of your trans-femininity. 

As we go through life, most certainly it is impossible not to miss out on many possibilities. It turned out to be impossible for me to experience the life of the girls I was so jealous of when I was growing up. They were developing the curves I wanted while all I was getting was hard angles in my body. It took me years plus the addition of hormone placement therapy to develop curves of my own. 

It turns out, the missing something in my life was my gender. When I finally began to live more and more as a transgender woman, I was able to figure it out. By the time I did, I couldn't do anything about the time I lost but I could take the opportunity to grow into the woman I always wanted (or should have) been. When I did, my entire life was more complete and the missing something just went away.