It's a Phase?

Image from Samuel Regan Assante 
on UnSplash

 Years ago I became enamored with the idea my cross dressing was just a phase and perhaps someday I would grow out of it. Of course I never did and here we are as I live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

I think that even though my Mom never mentioned anything about her clothes being worn or her makeup being used, she most likely thought (or hoped) I was going through some sort of a phase. There is no way I can't believe I was as good as I thought I was hiding my "hobby" from her. Especially when I began to acquire my very own hard earned small wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup. Even though this phase of my life was just the beginning, it did teach me the lengths of effort I would have to go to to hide my true self from everyone.  I needed to try extra hard to at least participate in male activities such as  sports to cover how I really felt about my life.

It turned out, my early years were a phase after all. The years turned out to be a learning process when I learned the basics of not surviving in a mirror and being able to venture out in the world for the first time as a woman. Very quickly I learned the more I ventured out, the more natural I felt for the first time in my life. A new phase of my life was just beginning. I was loving my successful experiences in a feminine world. 

The next phase of my life was attempting to being able to fully play in the girl's sandbox. I felt I had earned the right due to so many different situations I encountered as I went about my MtF gender transition. All the way from being asked to leave certain venues to being totally accepted and being embraced for being a regular guest. I even considered I was welcomed for the extra diversity I added to the venue. Sadly, I will never know for sure why. I can only know I was.

At this point, my phases of life became a little blurred because they were coming so fast. All of a sudden I gained friends who included me in their circles. I was invited to everything from lesbian mixers, all the way to women's roller derby. Each invitation added to my understanding of a world I so badly wanted to enter. Most importantly, I needed the opportunity to be rounded out as the new feminine person I was becoming. The process was never easy but I had much needed friends help me. 

It took awhile to realize the largest phase I was going through was when I was trying my hardest to survive and prosper in a male world. I needed to act like I enjoyed the BB Gun I received for Christmas instead of the doll baby I really wanted as well as acting as if I enjoyed going hunting with my Dad and younger brother. It wasn't to be until later in life when I learned how successful I had been in covering myself as a macho male. Certain people were totally surprised when I came out and transitioned into the transgender world. I guess I was too successful in my hiding phase when I was younger.

Everybody's life  includes phases, transgender or not. It just seem our trans life's have more intense phases as we attempt very difficult transitions. Often at the risk of losing everything. We can only hope new phases bring balance to our life as well as a chance to move forward. Often out of our dark lonely closets. 

No Assumptions

Liz on Left, Daughter on Right from
the Jessie Hart Collection 

Yesterday I was out and about as I went with my wife Liz to her doctors appointment. Since I had been there several times before, I assumed nothing would be much different and for the most part I would be invisible. In other words, I would be able to blend in with the world.

Except for an unexpected encounter with a delivery driver, nothing much did change. Once again I exchanged pleasantries on the weather with the very nice greeter/directions woman at the door while I waited for Liz to get signed in. I say nice because she normally says you ladies have a good day. Which is always music to my ears. The delivery driver was much different when he seemed genuinely shocked when we came face to face when he was picking up his hand truck to unload. Before he had a chance to react one way or another any further, the elevator door opened and away we went. So I never had the chance to see if he would have had any further reactions to meeting a real live transgender woman face to face. My assumption was he wouldn't.

The rest of the visit consisted of me being mainly ignored which was my assumption all along anyhow. I was satisfied with the fact I was able to blend in with the world. After all, I was just wearing a pair of jeans and my tie-dyed tank top with a peace sign and the slogan "Every Little Thing Gonna' Be Alright". Once again, a throw back to my old hippie/boho days. I love the way the tank top gently hugs my developing curves and shows off what I have worked so hard to earn with the help of my hormone replacement therapy. 

The only other personal contact of the day came later with the pizza delivery man. We have a very regular place we get delivery from and always request (and tip well) a certain driver when we can get him. Since he has seen me several times before without any makeup at all, I was happy for him to see me with a light application of eye makeup and lipstick which was essentially left over from our earlier trip out. As I assumed there was no extra feedback from him. He was pleasant and on his way. 

All in all, these days, assumptions are difficult to make with all the rising anti-transgender hate in the world which will extend sooner or later into the entire LGBTQ community. To counteract all of the possible hate, I try to act as if nothing at all is wrong with me. Which it isn't. In addition, I dress to blend and try to go to safe places. Even doing all of that, I still am always on guard for the person who may negatively question my right to gender freedoms as a transgender woman. 

To do all that I can, I was reached out to yesterday concerning the possibility of me participating on a local Alzheimer's board here in Cincinnati. I said I was interested for a couple of reasons. The first is I feel I need to become more active in the community again since I am beginning to feel better and secondly my Dad passed away from a very ugly battle with Dementia. I'm sure he would want me to get involved however I could to help. At least, it's my assumption. 

Assumptions are difficult anyway you look at them. Once you think you know something for sure, something comes along to change your mind. Hopefully for the better. 

Can't Means Won't

Image from Moritz
Mentgez on Unplash 

Often when I read someone say they can't transition, it means they won't. 

I most likely remember hearing a saying similar to that way back in my days when I was playing sports and a coach quoted it to me when I wanted to quit. On the other hand, there are many reasons someone deep in their closet can't transition. I am not putting myself up on any sort of pedestal because I spent so many years trying to decide if and when I could complete a MtF transgender transition. 

My first big roadblock was attempting to improve my presentation to the point where I could blend in on even a minimal basis in the public's eye. Once I began to basically be successful, I began to be encouraged to the point I may be able to live out a life long dream of living as a woman. Little did I know that just trying my best to look like a woman would be just the beginning, There turned out to be so many other twists and turns in my journey which I often write about here. Many times along the way when I considered thinking I can't do that, it was a sure sign I couldn't. 

Perhaps my biggest roadblock which may have turned out to be a positive was the twenty five year long relationship I had with my second wife. She was the wife who passed away without ever accepting my desire to transition into a transgender lifestyle. For all the wrong reasons I ended up sneaking around behind her back and tried to explore more and more if I could indeed live as a woman. The positive was the entire process I was caught up in as a very serious transvestite or cross dresser taught me very explicitly what I would be facing if indeed I decided to transition. Each time I entered the feminine world it seemed I learned a new and important lesson. Primarily when I needed to communicate with another person (primarily women), I discovered why men and women have such a difficult time understanding each other. If men are from Mars and women from Venus, I turned out to be some sort of a space traveler in between. 

Through it all, my basic desire to keep going kept me pursuing my feminine gender dreams. Similar to being told I could never have a job working for the American Forces Radio and Television Service when I needed to serve my military duty, I found a way around the obstacles and was successful. I did manage to serve out my three years in the Army working for AFRTS. For once in my life by pushing forward against the odds, I felt I could be successful.

Can't meaning won't didn't work for me either in several ways. Immediately, when I started to seriously transition, I began to diet and took off nearly fifty pounds. In essence, I was doing what any woman would do to look as good as I could. In addition, for several years previous, I was taking extra care of my skin which helped also. I again, similar to any other woman, was doing my best to work with what I had. If I was still going to travel between Mars and Venus, I was going to try to make the journey as easy as possible.

No matter how hard I tried, I kept running up against obstacles such as family acceptance and employment. My brother and his family were completely lost to me when I finally transitioned and started hormone replacement therapy but I was fortunate when my only child (a daughter) completely accepted me. As far as employment went, I was close enough to retirement age to go ahead and retire. Suddenly, the gender doors which I had been knocking at all those years opened and my life changed. 

The reality of my situation was  when I listened to my high school coach who said "Can't means won't" I learned he was right. What he never said was how long it might take to happen. We never know what the future may bring.