I Never Looked Back

Image courtesy Rainier Ridao'
on UnSplash 

Once I freed myself from the remaining shackles of my male life, I was fortunate in that I never had the opportunity to look back. Rarely did I think I was doing anything wrong and my inner strong feminine self was ecstatic with the whole process she waited so long for. Perhaps the unique situation I was living in the at the time helped. 

First of all, I was just emerging from one of the darkest moments I had ever known in my life. I had just lost my business not so long after I lost my wife and several close friends mostly due to cancer. At the same time I was really becoming involved with the internet where I could check out the possibility of learning of others in similar situations. Especially in the relatively new world of transgender women. I spent hours when I was off work seeking new information on my computer. The more I saw, the more I wondered if I could pursue similar paths towards achieving my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The whole process provided me with hope for the future.

It was during this period of my life too when I had very few obstacles in my way. Since my wife had passed away, there was no one close to me to stop me from doing serious experimentation with living life as a woman. I set about to refine my appearance and learn as much as I could about the feminine arts of public life. Primary examples included vocal communication and overall attempts to blend in with the at large public. The whole process was equally terrifying and exciting as well as it took my mind off of my overall problems. Now the process seems like a blur as my inner feminine self quickly took over my life. I decided then to undergo hormone replacement therapy which seemed like the best way to continue my MtF gender transition and never look back. 

I write often about how the hormones affected me and how quick the process was. Possibly because of the fact I was older (in my early sixties) and my testosterone was in decline anyhow. At any rate, even under mostly minimum dosages, I was surprised how fast the changes to my body began to appear. Before I knew it, I was reaching a point where I was a very androgynous human being. Again, I was excited and wanted permission from my doctors to do more. 

I did do more and more and never looked back. Primarily because there was no good reason to do so. Because always living a male life was such a struggle for me and living a new feminine life just felt so natural. My inner self was telling me in no uncertain terms I told you so and I loved it. The feelings continued into my everyday life as I found I could be successful in a woman's world. Finally, never looking back became part of my life as I set out to be the best new person I could be.    

     

Entering Woman only Spaces

 

First Girls Night Out. I am on the 
bottom left. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently I posted two comments from readers. One of which mentioned her concerns with responding to and going to a women's only space. The reader, Ann, said she did not go for several relevant reasons including she didn't want to turn the place into a space where the other women felt there was an "interloper" there which made normal feminine discourse impossible. I paraphrased Ann. If you want to refer to her entire comment, go back one day to the "Trans-Sisterhood" post. If you haven't read it, it is a well thought out statement of if you should or should not attend. In response, Lisa P added this comment:

"  May I comment to Ann? I asked if I could join a women’s book club and was readily accepted. I can assure Ann that if she is being asked, she will be welcomed. Moreover, we talk about issues specific to women all the time, and there is no hesitancy or embarrassment shown by them. They know I am part of their “tribe” and I am safe. I do appreciate Ann’s concern and thoughtfulness (we should all emulate her). If possible I ask first before entering women’s safe spaces. But, I have not been rejected and I am more whole when I am part of the sisterhood of women. Lisa P."

As I said yesterday, when I first was invited to "girls' nights out" as well as other women only spaces I felt remarkably welcome. In many instances I felt as if the other women were welcoming into their club with arms open. Plus in many ways I have thought other women respond favorably to a transgender woman's need to do away with any toxic masculinity and live an authentic life. Once I was invited to play in the girl's sandbox and I learned the rules, I never looked back and went on to proceeding to live a life I only had dreamed of. Maybe, as Ann said, I could have been a little selfish but taking the chance to live and learn from other women was too much to resist. As Lisa said I was never rejected and realized more than ever before how much I was missing when I still was trying to live part of my life as a man. 

Then, there were all the nights I partied with two other women who happened to identify as lesbian, The entire experience validated in me the fact I didn't need a man's attention so I could feel like a woman. Once I made it to this point, thanks to my friends, I never had to look back again. From there I went on to "co-ed" spaces which included men but were dominated by women. Again, a whole new learning process. I believe it as during this phase when I began to develop more of myself as a transgender woman. It was especially true when I knew all of the other group participants knew I reached my gender destination by a different route than anyone else in the room. 

By entering woman only spaces, initially I was terrified but once I was accepted, I was able to grow into the trans sisterhood with other women and the group became more diverse. 

Trans-Sisterhood

Image from Manuel Cosentino
on UnSplash

 It is a powerful feeling being a part of the transgender community, or, the chosen ones (which I will explain in a later post). Recently I had a great comment through the Medium writing platform.  It comes from fellow writer "PL James":

".I always find I beat a drum. This drum is about embracing my trans-ness. I did always want to be pretty and slight like a lissome girl, but I am not. I have had too much of life dominated by testosterone...but like you, I lost a ton of weight, and am super-happy about the results of diet and exercise...and can be happy that I am beautiful...not in a classic way, but in a unique and transgender way...and that is fine because we are different...and our own experiences as trans people make us a tribe of our own...and that is the tribe whose standards I wish to be measured by. Yours in "transterhood"

First of all, it's a pleasure to be a part of your "trans-sisterhood" and thanks for the comment. I so agree many of us in the trans community have adjusted to our own standards of beauty as we present ourselves to the world. Years ago, I was invited to participate in a photography project which focused in on the differences in women. Even though I was scared to death to do it, I hitched up my "big girl panties" and went forward with the project. I felt even though I was far from the prettiest woman in the collection, at the least I would have the chance to represent an entire different look at women. Even though I don't have the final picture to post, it was quite the experience and I was honored to be chosen for another unique once in a lifetime experience.

Another very relevant comment came from the same post from another Medium reader "Ann Williams":

"I was recently invited to participate in a women's group, by one of the leaders. I was very flattered, and I would certainly love to do it. But I won't, and this is why. Because I know that none of the women there will see me as a woman, they will necessarily see me as an interloper. My presence will change the energy of the space. They will not feel as uninhibited to be themselves. They will not feel safe.

If I didn't know this, things would be different; but I do. I don't see this as a matter of rights; I see it as a matter of courtesy and kindness. The last thing I want to do is turn a place where women feel safe to be women into a place where they have to put their guard up. That's thoughtless, selfish and unkind --at least, I would find myself to be so, if I ignored their feelings by invading their space.

The fact I believe I am a woman doesn't matter. The problem is they don't believe it. And I cannot disregard the effect my presence will have on their experience."

Thanks Ann for the wonderful comment and I can only say, my experiences with being invited to "women's only" spaces have only worked out for the best. Maybe I am spoiled but I have had so many cis-women embrace me in their spaces, I was shocked on the rare times it didn't happen. I was even embraced and learned what I needed to do to be a more complete version of my new rescued feminine self.

I dare say, being accepted into the "transgender-sisterhood" has been more problematic for me.