Life is Too Short

As I went through many years of being a cross dresser, I knew time was running short ( I was sixty) if I was ever going to make the big jump to living as a full time transgender woman. As life went on, two major ideas set in.. Perhaps the hardest one was facing my own mortality and knowing I had lived longer than I was going to live in the future. The writing on the wall was telling me I was entering my senior years and time was growing short for any major lifetime changes such as a gender change. Of course changing my gender involved the possibility of losing friends and family as well as my financial livelihood. 

Photo from the Jessie 
Hart Collection 

The second major factor in changing my gender closet was how natural I felt when I was out of my old dark and lonely closet. Somehow the gender euphoria which flooded over me when I was out and about presenting as a woman was a feeling I had a difficult time expressing. Because there was no one to tell how I was feeling. At the time, my second wife was completely against any idea of me pursuing a transgender lifestyle. Being a pretend male at the time, I did what I was trained to do...hold your emotions in and get over any problem you may encounter. Or, man up and get over it. 

For the sake of saving my relationship with my wife, I did my best to go against my own natural feminine instincts time after time. Finally, the stress I was living under became to much and I tried yet another very aggressive act of self harm. I have written about it several times here in the blog because it is so important to me to spread the word that suicide is never the answer to your problems. Mainly because life is too short as it is and secondly what is true today may not be true tomorrow.

In my case, I learned the hard way to accept my own mortality when close friends and my wife all passed on within a relatively short period of time. All of a sudden, the old "now or never" narrative set in on me with a vengeance. So, after exploring being a woman in all the various ways I knew how, I decided to jump off the cliff and transition. I started with hormone replacement therapy and never looked back. Again the more I explored the world, the more natural I became and felt. It got to the point when I was massively depressed when I had to face the world as a male. Mainly because the hormones stripped away almost all of my male privilege's by making my appearance highly androgynous. Plus, at that point, I hadn't made it to the point where I could sample any of the female privilege's. 

Finally, I got it through my thick, stubborn noggin that my life acting like a man was over. More so because the whole male gender process should have never been undertaken to begin with. The weight was finally taken off my shoulders when I decided once and for all to live a full time feminine existence as a transgender woman. Even then I knew the process wouldn't be easy. The time I spent exploring and learning to find my way around told me to be prepared for more hidden curves and walls on my gender journey. 

On the other hand, I had prepared myself the best I could with assets such as appearance and communication so I could begin the journey. I figured life was too short not to do it. There was no attempting to succeed, I was going to make it.

Dreaming Beauty Queen

I have written numerous times I am capable of having dreams in either gender on any given night. The truly unique nights are when I have both. I can start out as a guy and finish as a woman in a whole different dream.  It has been awhile though since I have outdid myself in the dream world. I have so many dreams, I don't remember all of them, unless they are very vivid.

Marilyn Monroe in the
Seven Year Itch 

Last night I had one of my most recent feminine dreams when I was in a beauty contest with an equally as attractive transgender friend. To make it more exciting and memorable, we were both wearing dresses and heels reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe's famous white dress in the 1955 Billy Wilder film "The Seven Year Itch." If you don't remember the dress (with Marilyn in it) I have added a picture. As you can see, if you are going to have to come up with a dream dress, this would be a good one to begin with.  This picture was taken with Marilyn supposedly caught unaware standing over a sidewalk subway grate in New York City. 

In my dream, all was going very well and I was even walking easily in heels. Something I have not been able to accomplish now for years because of a bad back. Also I remember how pretty my matching nails were on my hands and feet. My friend and I were certainly the belles of the ball.

For some reason we never made it to the pageant and ended up being confronted by several evil looking men. Plus, to make matters worse, my wig was starting to come off at exactly the wrong time. As I was frantically trying to find a place to fix the wig before the men noticed me, I woke up. I was so shaken by the dream, I was shivering for a couple minutes afterwards. Finally I calmed down and went back to sleep prepared for my next dream adventure.

Presently I have been very fortunate in that I have been able to stay away from many of the nightmares I used to have. I know the medications I am on to control my bi-polar mood swings can cause vivid dreams. In addition I wonder when the tipping point will come when I have more feminine orientated dreams than the old male ones. I guess I  need to keep in mind I did live most of my life in a dominant male world which continues to dominate my subconscious.

In the meantime, I have never been anything close to a beauty queen, so I guess deep down I wanted to always experience a little of how it would feel. Dreaming about it will be a close as I will come as a transgender woman. 

Transgender Euphoria

 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

Yesterday was my quarterly appointment to see the dentist. Dental is the only medical related service I don't receive from the Veteran's Administration.

 Surprisingly (or not) I have never been mis-gendered when I have been there. Equally as surprising to me was the informational questionnaire I needed to fill out before my initial appointment. The questionnaire included a fairly deep dive into what my gender was and how I wanted my preferences as far as pronouns etc. to be. Amazingly, someone must have read my answers because from day one I was referred to as "she". Yesterday was no different. I was just there for a cleaning and my insurance unexpectedly covered nearly the entire cost so I was happy. I didn't have to fight for my gender and pay for the privilege. 

From there I needed to stop at a fast food drive thru and pick up lunch for my wife Liz and I. For as long as I can remember, drive thru's have always been a challenge for me due to concerns over my voice. I can't tell you how many times I have been called "sir" at the speaker and then be subjected to funny looks when I pulled forward to pick up my order. Yesterday was what I considered a neutral win because the woman was so busy with everything she was doing, she didn't have time to consider or even care about my gender. In no time at all, with no side glances or comments to other employees I was on my way with our food. 

My final stop of the day was a trip to the pharmacy to pick up medicine. Normally it is another neutral gender experience with no pronouns attached. But yesterday for some reason was different and the young man at the window unexpectedly called me "Ma'am". All of a sudden, in an instant, the sky was bluer and even the bitter taste in my mouth from what the hygienist used to polish my teeth went away. Gender euphoria was wonderful. 

The rare ability to be able to experience gender euphoria makes the process so wonderful when it occurs, even in so small doses. I wrote about it briefly in my "Customizable Gender" post recently. Among other points I attempted to go into, the process when we change genders stand out as important when we start all over to build a complex transgender woman person. Fellow  blogger "Paula Godwin" picked up on the idea and commented:

"I often reflect that one of the (few) advantages of being a transgender woman of "a certain age" is that I had opportunities that very few women my age had ~ in sport, music, education, and employment all of which definitely favored men." 

As always, thank you Paula for the comment. Indeed, when you have the chance to experience the privileges of living as both of the primary genders, you have the opportunity to be a better person.  Transgender euphoria only makes the experience more worthwhile.