The Power of Confidence

I nearly labeled this post the power of self conviction for one big reason. First I always write a transgender woman greatest accessory is her confidence. I am sure we have all observed a cis woman or two walking down the street or in a store who just seems to exude a huge amount of confidence in herself. Who knows, maybe she just bought a new outfit, visited her hair stylist or just was raised to be sure of herself but it surely shows. 

Photo with new glasses
courtesy Jessie Hart

Over the years I have been able to capture just a portion of the frail confidence of a few cis women I have known. I say frail because of all the times I have thought I had turned the corner on my male to female gender transition, only to be ridiculed to the point of feeling temporarily wanting to go back into my gender closet. Within a few days calmer gender minds ruled and I began anew to try to establish myself in a feminine world. During these dark days, the only thing which kept me going was the fact my transition felt so natural. So natural in fact it felt like it was the only path I could take and be able to live. 

Even with all the successes I managed to have, I still was paranoid of being harassed like the old days by some unfeeling transphobe. 

This morning my wife Liz and I went to two doctors appointments. One for her and one for me. Hers was much more intense as she had to go in to the doctors for an feminine test which was both painful and intrusive. On the other hand, mine involved going to the Veterans Administration local office and picking up my new glasses. Being able to see well after all these years was a pleasant surprise. During both appointments no one gave us much notice even when we went into a full waiting room of others getting their glasses proudly holding hands. Nothing gives me more confidence than doing that, even though if I present well (as I always try to do) holding hands gives us away as two lesbians. 

All in all, the power of confidence allows transgender women and trans men the conviction to move forward as our authentic gender selves. It is sad it has to be so difficult.   

All I Ever Wanted

 If you would have asked me when I was young what I really wanted to be when I grew up, the honest answer would have been to be a woman. That's right. When all the other boys my age wanted to be sports stars, corporate presidents or whatever, my goal was so simple yet so difficult. Somehow I needed to lead a feminine lifestyle. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

How to arrive there was the problem. The first hassle I ran into was my impending date with the Vietnam war military draft. I tried to outrun the draft as long as I could by attending and graduating college but was finally caught when my draft lottery number came up to 23. Which meant my fate was sealed. I immediately began looking for the military branch which offered a job classification as close as possible to the job I was doing when I went to college. I worked at a local small radio station which was owned by a fairly powerful congressman. Through his influence, I was able to secure a spot in the Army's Defense Information School which in turn enabled me to be eligible to work in the American Forces Radio and Television system. This was very fortunate of course but none of it served to help me to achieve my goal of being a transgender woman. 

After the Army I was able to resume my journey in earnest. This was my time to explore living a feminine lifestyle out of the mirror by sneaking out of the house when I could all the way to the exciting Halloween parties I went to. Over this period of time I learned many lessons the hard way but on the other hand I was learning leading a feminine life in a women's world was indeed possible. 

Ironically,  the more I learned, the more I needed to learn. The life I so desperately wanted to pursue still was far away. An example is when I learned how walking in heels was fine, looking other women in the eye when I communicated with them wasn't as easy. Plus, surely wearing a frilly nightgown or lingerie was wonderful but it ultimately didn't help me in the regular world where other woman were wearing jeans and sweaters. Somehow I needed to temper what I thought would happen when I jumped out of my gender closet to what was really happening. 

Another problem is I have a mind which I really have to push to stay on a topic or goal. It's the primary reason most of my posts don't go over three minutes in length. I have this problem which ended up serving me well when I was making all my early cross dressing mistakes. After the countless times I was laughed at and came home crying, I was able to fairly quickly go back to my feminine drawing board and try again. The major problem I discovered was when I learned to stop my expectations of how men viewed me and begin to focus how the women viewed me. Once I began to focus on women, I began to present easier and I could concentrate on letting my long suffering feminine inner person out and into the world. 

From that point forward when my wife Liz said it best to me, when she asked what type of woman would I want to become. Would I bounce out of bed every morning and do my makeup and hair with heels and hose or would I rely on casual jeans, T-shirts and tennis shoes for everyday non public wear. Since I always have a difficult time waking up in the morning, I chose to settle in to the casual feminine lifestyle. Hormone replacement therapy has helped me also with adopting a casual lifestyle since I have my own long hair, soft skin, breasts and developing hips to reassure my femininity. I know who I am now the world needs to accept me also. 

All I ever wanted was to lead a feminine life and I finally made it but it was a long struggle. My life was certainly a marathon not a race. 

Your Help is Needed

We are yet in another crisis for transgender youth here in Ohio. Predictably Republican state representatives are pushing severe anti LGBTQ agendas. One in particular is coming up to a vote soon.

Here is something you can do to help with a simple phone call to this number:

 614-466-6344

“Rep Manchester, my name is _______, I’m a resident of _______ county, and I’m calling today to ask you to vote NO on HB454, the trans youth medical ban.”

If you don't live in Ohio, make certain you add the passage of this bill will add to the reasons you will never visit here/there.

Thanks for your help!