Transgender Balance

 The delicate balance between the two binary genders often is very fragile. Take for example how a cis woman date or spouse feels when an in the closet boyfriend or husband sneaks a peek at another woman when the two are together. 

Image from Fabian Moller 
On UnSplash

In an extension of yesterdays post, Lauren wrote in with a very interesting comment. Lauren said her late wife and current lady became upset when she even remotely looked at another woman. What Lauren went on to say was how difficult it was to explain how or why the reason you were looking at another woman was very different. Being a transgender woman often means we look at other women differently. I know to this day, my attraction to other women is not a sexual one. 

On the other hand, I have an appreciation of a well put together woman. Every once in a while when I get out I notice a woman who gets my eye. So much so I have to struggle not to stare. An example was a couple women at the funeral I went to Saturday. They were dressed in black of course, one wore what appeared to be a knee length skirt and jacket with long wavy hair and black heels. The other was wearing pants with her jacket and had very tasteful makeup. Again with heels. All at once I felt envious and totally under dressed, even though I was wearing my best black embroidered long skirt with a nice black sweater. It just wasn't enough. 

At this point in my life I don't think much is going to change. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be one of the girls I envied so much. A big portion of the learning process I wished I had understood earlier was the difference in looking like a girl rather actually being one. What mattered was finding my way out of the mirror which I was admiring myself in and finally getting into the world as my authentic self. 

When I first left the Army and decided to get married , I thought and maybe even hoped the process would enable my gender dysphoria to subside. Which it did for only around six months. After that the old feelings began to creep back in and I was intensely envious of cis women everywhere. Why couldn't I have their soft skin and round curves. Worse yet I had no one to explain my envy to. In all fairness, I barely understood it myself. How could another woman who was born with curves and other lifestyle necessities I so desired, even understand what I was going through. So I took the male approach out and bottled it all up inside me and tried the bottle to drink it away. The whole process made me depressed and angry. Until I finally did something about it. 

Now of course my life has changed. For the most part I am able to study other women from afar. What they are wearing and how they are wearing it. Which as I have found over the years is a true gender art form. I have also discovered the power of a woman to woman compliment. The briefest mention of a woman's accessories for example is a real ice breaker among women. Looking back, I wonder if I had not been so gender self centered and complemented my spouses on their feminine qualities if my life may have been different. 

Just another "what if" of life which age sometimes reveals. As my Dad used to say, "Once you become old enough to understand it's too late to do anything about it." 

Feminine Envy

Many people assume the male of the binary gender spectrum  has a higher level of competitive spirit. Women are just not expected to compete on the same level. But I think they do, in their own ways. Similar to the differences in how men and women communicate, women are often not to up front on their comparative drive. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

Take for example sports. While women are supposedly the fastest growing segment of sports fans, often they don't take it to heart the way men do. More importantly women compete intensely on family matters as well between themselves on appearance , among other things. Here is another example from me as a transgender woman.

I can't remember a day in my life I haven't been envious when I have seen an attractive woman walk by. I have so desired to have one day in which I possessed even a portion of her physical attributes. Then I begin to relax and think I am probably doing the same thing any other cis woman would do. I am sure even super models can find something wrong about their appearance on occasion. Plus they have a legion of followers to make sure their makeup and clothes are just right for the camera. 

I think too appearance plays a role in married relationships when a male spouse begins to transition into their authentic selves. When a wife sees her husband dressed as an attractive woman for the first time has to come as a shock and the shockwaves have a tendency to rock all she has ever felt about herself and her relationship. Did she do something wrong? How will her friends react to the fact she is now living with a transgender woman and what about family? Once her spouse gets a high heeled step out of the closet, it is nearly impossible to go back to a "normal" life. As I write about many times, my second wife who was fine about my crossdressing simply drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender and starting hormone replacement therapy. She simply said she didn't sign up to live with another woman. The problem quickly became, as I progressed, like it or not she did sign up to be with another woman and not one she particularly liked. She called me the pretty, pretty princess for a reason. For the longest time before I learned more and more about the feminine world all I wanted to do was dress up as completely as I could, practice walking in heels and putting on makeup. On the other hand, she rarely wore makeup or heels of any sort. It's no wonder our feminine natures clashed.  

Before you assume I am portraying all women as being too shallow in their life lookouts, there are other aspects to consider. My examples are my former hair stylist Theresa and my daughter Andrea both of whom have transgender children. Both of them too are fierce allies of the transgender community as a whole and their children in particular. I am very proud to know both of them and know from previous experience how fortunate their transgender children are to have such understanding parents.   

Women for the most part live many layered complex existences  The process to learning to understand living a feminine life is often difficult and even lonely. Every door you open to a new life, seems to lead to another and another. The problem with envy is when desiring a another woman's existence leads to not improving your own. We can only improve ourselves by developing our emerging selves. The problem with envy in a relationship is it can result in destroying both parties. 

The Last Halloween

 Actually I should rephrase the title and write "My last Halloween Post". 

As I had previously promised, I decided to save my best Halloween experience for last. This Halloween occurred when I was a local disc jockey in Springfield, Ohio. The party invitation directed myself and any guests to an old restored Victorian mansion. I found one of my co-workers (a news person) and female was invited also. I love it when a plan comes together and now I just had to talk my first wife out of wanting to go. 

Of course I was beyond excited at the invitation and of course I needed to figure out exactly what my "costume" was going to be. By this time in my Halloween "career" I had progressed from glitzy to desiring to present as a cis woman at the party. Since I had arrived at this spot, it was much easier to rummage through my wardrobe to find something to wear. It was basically what I was wearing at the time when I went out on the rare times I could try out the feminine world. In a very short time, I knew exactly the outfit I was going to wear. 

On the much anticipated evening of the party I had gone through all the necessary prep work I needed such as shaving my legs, applying makeup and combing out my wig. Finally, it was time to meet my temporary date for the evening and we headed out to the old mansion where the party was being held. First it was the reaction of my "date" for the evening which got me started off on the right step. As she saw me, first she was incredulous at my transformation then she settled in with no problems. We were fortunate in that we arrived early and was able to find a close parking spot so my heels would not have a chance to bother me so much. 

The mansion itself looked tremendous. In addition to the natural beauty of the home, the decorations included a coffin with a real skeleton. Since I was was really into restoration in the town, the owners knew me quickly and similar to my companion for the evening were amazed at the feminine transformation. As far as I went, I was enjoying the attention I received. 

As the evening progressed, more and more new guests arrived. Including a couple I vaguely knew from his background as a local politician who was running for an office in Washington, D.C. He was with his wife who later approached me and said they had no idea I wasn't just a well dressed woman who stopped by the Halloween party. Naturally I was on cloud nine when the couple took it all a step further and asked me to go with them to another party. 

It was one of those times I wondered what would have happened if I had made the opposite decision. Because my "date" was doing the driving and I still was worried about abusing my wife's feelings, I said no. Who knows? Maybe a potential career in Washington was defeated with my decision.

Regardless, I achieved what I set out to do. For the briefest of moments be mistaken for a cis woman.

If you celebrate, I hope the Halloween season has been festive and fun for you this year!