Transgender Bravery versus Conviction

 Yesterday I virtually attended my monthly Veterans Administration LGBTQ support group meeting. Normally the meetings are fairly routine and I don't say much, plus the last get together featured an interesting mental exercise which everyone needed to be a part of if possible. The exercise started with a circle and then you had to add all the various important facets of your life. Examples would be privilege, family etc. 

After a few people stepped forward with their ideas, it became evident how important being a veteran was to all of us, as well as being transgender. Various privilege's came in a close third. Since we all happened to be white, almost everyone mentioned it. Mainly in a sense of how much privilege we lost when we gender transitioned into feminine lives as transgender women. 

Of course I write often and long concerning my own losses of male privileges when I transitioned. For the most part I felt them quickly and firmly. All of the sudden I had lost a significant portion of my IQ and were ignored when I was talking to men. I brought up the experience to the group when I needed to have my car towed and tried my best to explain to the tow driver and a sheriff where I needed to go. Once they heard the address they didn't need any other information from me. Since I was a blond that day, I finally just sat back and asked dumb blond questions about how the tow truck worked. Then I was "man-planed"  how it did. The best examples for me came when I was talking to men about sports which of course I knew quite a bit about. I found I was never taken seriously. Due to time constraints I was never really able to talk much concerning the real issue of losing control of your own safety when you transition to a transgender woman.

By far the best experience was shared by a transgender  man in the group who is completely presentable as a man and works as a nurse. He was saying he works with men from other countries who refuse to take any guidance from women and he has to go in and mediate between the two genders.

Other than that, perhaps the biggest topic from the group came when discussion started about being veterans and what it meant to us all, For me being a veteran was something I never wanted to do but was proud of myself for serving my time in an honorable fashion. Or at least I tried! :). Several others in the group managed to draw lines between being veterans and having the courage to pursue their lives as transgender women and men, 

Over the years occasionally I will be called "brave" when I describe a few of my coming out of my gender closet experiences. I prefer brave be saved for those who deserve it such as first responders. On the other hand my convictions led me to where I am today. As one of the participants said yesterday, as soon as she stepped foot into basic training, she had to stick with her convictions concerning who she really was. Plus I knew also, I just couldn't live a gender lie as a man. Somehow, someway I would have to find a way to live fulltime as a transgender woman.

There is no contest in my book in comparing transgender conviction to any sort of bravery. I rather leave the bravery to the ones who deserve it. Conviction is different. We all need it to survive in an often hostile world.  

Passing the Eye Test

Since Liz is off this week, I convinced her to go with me to pick out new frames for my new glasses. My old glasses which you may have noticed in a few of my pictures were rather non-descript. So I decided to change my eyewear up to something more up-tempo or modern. Hoping to add glasses to my fashion accessory list plus knock out two birds with one stone. The other bird is being able to see better. 

A Girl in Glasses
Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart 

 Regardless, It seems no matter what I do these days brings with it a dose of transgender paranoia. You would think my internalized fear would be going away since I have been out in the publics eye so long. But it just hasn't. My fear this time revolved around being directed to where the men's glasses frames were on display. To add to my fear was we had to wait a half hour in a crowded Veteran's Administration waiting room to be seen. No one in particular seemed to pay us much attention until when I came out and they  were able to see how tall I am. Around five foot ten but my weight is down to 215 Lbs. So I hope to go below two hundred pounds probably for the first time since I was in the Army. Currently, no matter how you cut it I am still a big woman. 

As far as the glasses went, my fears were unfounded. The receptionist gave me a cheery good morning and said immediately the selection of women's frames were right behind me. Proving once again most all the worry and transgender anxiety I feel is unfounded. I know where it comes from. All the problems I encountered when I first attempted to come out. A transgender girl friend of mine said it best when she told me I passed in the world out of sheer will power. Which I did. It took me tons of times when I went back to the drawing board to try and perfect my feminine image. At the least the process left me with scars which linger to this day. 

I like my new glasses a lot. They are hard to describe except the frames are multi colored and according to Liz (my wife) they frame my face well and flatter my complexion. The only downside is I have to wait three weeks for the glasses to come in. Seeing as how the entire process is free, waiting is not such a big deal. Not to mention just seeing better will be a plus. I have a difficult time seeing the keyboard well when I type the blog. An example would be seeing more clearly the difference between a comma and a period.    

Since I have been wearing my current glasses for nearly six years, I expect the change to be fairly dramatic. I plan to slowly shorten the length of my hair also to enable it to be more age appropriate. Liz already trimmed six inches off before the wedding. 

I hope the new glasses become the fashion accessory I think they will. Small essentials such as writing a blog and being able to see a menu in a dimly lit restaurant will be a welcome relief.  

Party Down Witches

Before Covid and continuing to the present, various organizations have hosted "Witches Balls" around Cincinnati, Ohio. Back in the pre pandemic days I was fortunate enough to have had a really good time at several of the parties. Most of the parties contained various mixes of people in costume, belly dancers and pirates. Along the way I managed to dress sexy for one of the big witches ball and even was hit on by one of the pirates. I don't know if it was a combination of what he was drinking or the low lights in the venue which worked to disguise my true gender to him. But either way I was flattered because I was more than a little drunk at the time also.

First Witches Ball with Liz
High Heels and all.

A year later I was actually able to work on the committee putting the event together. They all knew I was a transgender woman and welcomed the help I provided. I couldn't do much because I needed to sit down quickly most of the time. So the two "most mature" individuals in the group were assigned to a table

Second Witches Ball with Tom
On the left.

selling items which benefitted the coven putting on the ball. It wasn't as much fun as I had in the past but at least the sitting down didn't put a strain on my sore back.

As far as gender recognition went, I was striving for more of a more authentic witch look more than any sort of sexy costumed appearance. By this time, I had transitioned away from the need to try to be sexy into a more appropriate well dressed woman. Hoping to blend into the crowded venue more easily. 

I can't tell you I had more fun but deep down I realized I was changing from needing Halloween to being such a major event for me.  One thing was for certain, my feet were more comfortable after I relaxed my "costume" requirements and started to wear flats to the venue. You can't see what I was wearing from the waist down in the second picture but I chose soft flowing legged pants along with my black flats. 

I still have one final fairly dramatic Halloween post which I have been saving for the end. In the meantime, the Witches Balls I attended played a major role in me transitioning from being a cross dresser into my authentic life as a transgender woman.