Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

“Transitioning is such a personal decision.”

While Angel Qinan, Sacramento’s first transgender model, is sounding off on Bruce Jenner’s presumable dilemma, she may as well be talking about her once-upon-a-time private struggles.

Angel Qinan was born Angel Castillo and attended La Salle Greenhills, a private Catholic school for boys in Manila.

 

Angel Qinan waited patiently for the right time. The FilAm photo

“In grade school I wondered why my mother dressed me only in plain shirts, shorts and trousers. I preferred the girls’ clothes–pretty blouses, skirts, and dresses!” she remembered. “Feeling like a girl, I wanted to wear girl clothes and was frustrated that I couldn’t!”

Such feelings were taboo in a strictly Catholic society like the Philippines, so she kept them to herself for years. At age 17 she first expressed her desire to become a woman. Angel’s mother urged her to keep those thoughts to herself because she wanted to shield her son from gossip, ridicule, and sometimes physical assault. Angel patiently postponed her transition.

Read more here from GMA News

"Eye-Eye" Mamn

As Momma Fortune would have it, as I was beginning to write this Cyrsti's Condo post, I jumped over to Femulate  and read what Stana was up to. It turns out she had written a very interesting post about the concept of "passing".  I think it is very much a which came first "The chicken or the egg?" concept. Indeed, how much does attitude factor into navigating the world as a feminine person and does it come after one has achieved a certain level of knowledge of how to present one's self. 

How Stana's post worked into mine happened yesterday, as I mentioned briefly in my last post. Essentially, I was wrapping up a long day. After the therapist visit I made the 100+ mile trip down to Liz's in time to help take her 89 year old Dad to the Doc. We then got him home in time to ship a package at USPS before they closed and only then had a chance to stop and get vittles for dinner.

By this time of my day, I had had no time to touch up the make up I happening to still be wearing by the time we went into a close by regular big grocery store, close to Liz's house.  As we came through the front doors, I just happened to make eye contact with a nearby woman.  Normally anymore, my eye contacts with women are fleeting and without much reaction. This person was different in the fact she was nearly as tall as I am and happened to show up again in the checkout line next to ours.  By this time, I had alerted to Liz to take a look at her and see if we knew her.  She said no but Liz began to watch her as she watched me. 

I was just interested.  I am pretty much way past how peeps view me.  Sure I get looks but most of the time I am with Liz, so I am passing by default.  I am living my life and the world is living theirs'.

Like Stana (and so many of you) I work hard on the image I present to the public-because I want to and I have to. I do think the effects of HRT have helped me to quote "pass" but the added confidence I have from the shear amount of life "lessons" I have learned (and continue to)-probably helps me more.

Finally, I go back to one of my basic "passing" concepts: You can look as beautiful as you can in your mirror -or in a picture but as soon as you enter the world, it's a whole different gender universe- no matter if you identify as a cross dresser or a transgender woman.  One really has to act like she has been there before to "pass" and by the way-didn't the egg have to come first?

Training the Therapist?

Well, what turns out to have been my last VA therapist visit for awhile, went very much without any amazing results.  I don't think therapy in essence is designed to have instantaneous mind blowing results. (No pun intended-yes it was!)

In yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned perhaps offhandedly about not thinking my therapist may be qualified to talk to me.  Michellewhois (Thanks!!!) mentioned in a comment, I could request another. It turned out my therapist is leaving the VA for greener pastures and I didn't have to-if I wanted and she offered. I respectively declined. Historically, for the most part, I have been able to balance the many facets of my life without therapy. Please remember though, to each their own as far as therapy goes.

Perhaps the most meaningful part of the visit grew out of when she told me "I seemed 'more grounded.' (Remember, I did my first session with her in guy drag.) I just said, I am more grounded now because I have very simply "synced" my gender with my outside self.  The conversation "morphed" into perhaps I had a bit of an easier time of transitioning into a feminine lifestyle because of my previous experiences working with groups of generics.  Specifically, power structure differences between the genders. 

All of this lead us into coming up with her three major male gender influences-or what men really care about (other than sex). I don't remember her other two, but I added power to her list. After all, it has been a very relevant topic following the release of the "Fifty Shades of Gray" movie.  I just told her, like so many aspects of a guy's life, power is a much simpler concept than a woman's. Just toss in equal parts of physical and financial powers and pretty much you got it.  The sublets of athletic prowess and looks fall into the physical parts and the financial speaks for itself.  Yet another benefit of working through a MtF gender transitioning I told her, was watching men. Interact in their world-one which is no longer mine.

So, that was it.  On another bright side, my primary doctor's lead nurse literally ran into me in the hall and she was able to update all of what has been happening with me within the VA.-a highly desirable deal!!  Before the day was over however, people watching was very much back into my thoughts. Not with men though, but with a generic (I assume).  More coming up!