Different Language?

On occasion I sit in my Midwestern American environment and forget Cyrsti's Condo is on Al Gore's world wide web and I get feed back from the world!  As Gomer Pyle used to say "Golleee"!!
Vicky Woods, another one of our UK girls who stops by the "Condo"  passed along this comment concerning the use of the "Tranny" word as a gender slur in the Davina Willis video:

"I enjoyed that Crysti. I think that it shows the slightly different way in which we in the UK treat the word TRANNY. Although as a mtf transsexual it is not my favorite word it does not instill in me the outrage that an American would feel. I think partly because over here in the UK it is often used without malice."

I did a little further research on Davina Willis/Davina Moore. She works as a customer services adviser in Romford, Essex in the UK. No one seemed to know which direction she took in her life with a gender selection.

Thanks Vicki!

Been There...Done It

One of the most frustrating, destructive and disappointing times of my life were what I called the "middle years".  If I was to put a date on them, I would say from the time I was 25 to approx 50.  I fought as hard as I could to do anything to stay firmly in the closet and not face the truth about how I identified. Was I a cross dresser, transgender person or transsexual? I would not wish the process on my worst enemy but looking back, I can simply tell you, I got through it- worse for wear.

Along the way, even back in the day I did find a beacon of hope called Tri Ess. The organization which was so instrumental in getting me out of the closet has faded away for me but every once in awhile, one of you passes along a comment about "Tri Ess".. Recently,  Pat brought them up with this comment on her name:

"I sort of backed into my name when I joined Tri-Ess some 20 years ago. When sending in my paperwork I was surely not going to disclose my real name. After all before even sending them a letter of inquiry I went an set up a post office box for my T mail. When they asked for my name I simply looked at my initials and went with that as a first name and the name of a co-worker as a last name. When I first became active on the internet I picked a name based on what I saw in front of me at the time"

And Dear Abby, referenced them in this answer to a transvestite getting busted by his neighbors:

"Dear Abby: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together. During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We're not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. — CAUGHT IN A PANIC

 Dear Caught: Because you would prefer to keep your cross-dressing private and this is October, you could tell your neighbors your female attire is what you'll be wearing to a costume party. It's plausible. However, when someone is "caught" engaging in a private activity once — that's an accident. When it happens three times in one week, I can't help but wonder whether on some level you would like to be more open about your lifestyle.

 If you're not aware, a resource, The Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess International), offers support for heterosexual cross-dressers as well as their spouses, partners and families. It has been in my column before and is the oldest and largest support organization for cross-dressers and those who love them. It promotes cross-dressing with dignity and decency, and treats spouses on an equal basis with their cross-dressers. You can learn more about it at www.tri-ess.org."

The part of the answer which said,  "perhaps on some level you want to be more open about your lifestyle" definitely resonated with me.  I was crying out for help and no one was listening, not even me.

Transwoman Admirer out of the Closet

A very touchy (no pun intended) subject in the transgender community is how "male admirers" fit in, or don't.  It's a true, "damned if you do, damned if you don't subject."  If course a huge majority of trans women covet the attention from a man for any number of reasons. Some transgender women seek a male for companionship, or for validation or sexual needs.

Over the years though, the term "admirer" has been known in very negative terms. In my own life I can see why with my limited contacts with "admirers". Fair or not, the majority of my experiences were on line "back in the day" when I was seriously transitioning for the first time.  As I have written in Cyrsti's Condo, I tried to give each gender an equal look. Before I did anything in the process,  I had to get past the validation factor. Like any other cross dresser trying to "pass" over the years I fantasized about being on the arm of a man to further the process.  As I transitioned though, I wondered about a guy accepting me for what I am and vice versa.

Turned out, that was difficult. I went on a couple main line paid dating sites which were tough to navigate because of their lack of any transgender groups at all. In other words, their sites were set up in strict gender binaries only. Men wanting women, women wanting women, men wanting men etc. After a while I would change groups every week ago, because I could.  The results? Two one and done dates and numerous "no shows".  So you guess I can I'm reasonably biased against admirers and that is wrong. Why? Being trans I should be the last to  stereotype any other group, specifically admirers, as I read in this post from Salon called, "I'm attracted to Trans Women":

"The heteronormative world in which we live had successfully convinced me that being attracted to transgender women meant I had a fetish. I began questioning my sexuality and even my masculinity. I didn’t even know what to call my sexual orientation. Finally one day, after hours of searching, I came across two terms that described what I was feeling. Trans-attraction and trans-orientation.

Neither one is official or common, but their use is growing due to the increasing demand for a way to categorize people who are attracted to transgender people. When I saw these words, a feeling of relief washed over me: I was not alone. I don’t always describe myself as trans-attracted, but the label helped me feel like I had a place in the queer community and it helps others understand my sexuality."

The simple act of the matter is we probably are facing most of the same obstacles to relationships with men as genetic women.  The sexual tension is always there but how do you build a relationship around it? Talk to most any single  woman of any age at all and she will bemoan the lack of quality men in the dating pool.

The sad part about all of this admirer drama is we trans women do provide certain positives we can bring to a relationship. Which is another subject.

On the bright side Shelle, one of regular visitors here in Cyrsti's Condo, has a great success story I want to pass along.  She found a male type person in the most unlikely of places. Because she didn't quit. Follow the link above for the story. I totally respect Shelle, because I can't tell you how many other trans girls I have interacted with who told me they had tried all the sites I was on with no luck and they quit them.  Then they wondered why they were sitting at home by themselves - miserable.

One way or another, admirers represent a very unique dynamic in our community with their own set of gender/sexuality issues. Only they can decide if they want a transgender woman for more than a one night stand in a cheap motel. There I go with another stereotype, sorry!