The Essence of Time

If I had to store words the old fashioned way, I would have a wall full of notebooks, tablets and stacks of paper.  Thank goodness for me, I have learned to store my stash of words on those little black things I call "info stix". In addition I literally have tens of thousands of words on an E-pub site called Vook and of course approximately 2,000 posts here in Cyrsti's Condo.

I equate the "hoard" on occasion to what is in my "noggin".  This morning for example my dog and I were headed to a local park for a walk and we passed a "20 something" woman heading for her mailbox. Nothing special except for the way she moved. I just noticed how utterly feminine she was in her denim skirt and white top. She was feeling her girlness from the inside out. Then instantly, my brain raced back in time to a trip I made to our family mailbox so many years ago and I could identify with her.

I estimate I was approximately 14 or so and for some reason found myself home alone one fall morning.  I was never one to let an opportunity to dress as a girl go by.  I pulled out my secret stash and did the best I could with my meager wardrobe of clothes.  The end result was a short skirt, a neutral boys jacket of some sort, make up and my shoes I bought with my allowance/odd job money.

To this day, I remember the anticipation of thinking "Wow, this could be the day I open the front door to the world and take a step out". And I did. My life and steps suddenly went to slow motion as I opened the front door to our house, walked to the drive way and made my way down to the mailbox. I estimate the round trip distance to have been around 50 yards and all I felt was the heavenly freedom of the air on my legs and up my body. Oddly to me at the time, the feeling was more of being free rather than a sexual rush which became hugely important later in life- as I began to discover I was transgender and not a cross dresser.

The problem with most of these feelings with me is the aftermath. I waste too much time wondering about the  what if's. What if I had come out then. What if I had come out after the Army?  Who cares-right? The only benefit at all from living in the past is what it can teach us-the true essence of time.

This morning of course was no different.  The girl who walked to the mailbox so many years ago was just walking her dog this morning and I wondered where the woman I saw bought that wonderful top! Obviously she thought so too.

Past, Present and Future?

Most of us here in Cyrsti's Condo have lived through bits and pieces of this:

Who Wrote "Hypocrite" on my Mirror?

I received two quick responses (thank you!) on my "Wedgie" Cyrsti's Condo post this morning.  One is just plain truth and one led me to think I'm not so keen with the written word on occasion. The first is from Alexis:

"Hey, I wish you best wishes as you begin to step out in public. It is a difficult thing to do, especially if you do it right in front of all those who have known you as your maleness. When I did that, I found that what others had told me---not everyone will be gracious and accepting of this transition. Though I suffered no physical hurt, the number of friends and family who suddenly began ignoring me like I no longer existed still bothers me today. So, again,good fortunes on your road ahead. I know I did what I simply had to do, and I have never regretted doing it for a single moment......alexis"

You are so correct in everything you said! In this post I tended to think everyone was a mind reader and  I neglected to fill in much needed info.  Such as I live a huge percentage of my life out- as a trans woman with a group of friends who have never met what is left of my male self. But not in the town where I live.  More and more I began to feel I was a bigger and bigger hypocrite and I hate that. It is time in my life to do more than nothing about the situation where I live. Just sitting back in bigger cities around me and saying...yes it does suck in my town just isn't good enough anymore! Thanks so much Alexis!!!!

Sharon added:

"There is more condemning in the bible for those that get a divorce or playing around with more then their intended mate then there is for being a gay person"

Kind of funny how that works...right Sharon?  But speaking of the righty bible bitches...one of the methods they are trying is to drive a wedge between the TGLB community and the traditional Civil Rights community of color...divide and conquer.  The work of a true Christian? "Me thinks" not!

Thanks Sharon