What Came First?

For nearly a half a century I considered myself a cross dresser rather than a transgender woman. Part of my excuse was the term transgender wasn't even used for most of the referred to half century. However, the biggest part of the blame is on me for refusing to realize the person I truly was...a trans woman. Also, I never really agreed with the old school idea of transsexual women having to have "the surgery" then disappearing into the world with all their knowledge and life lessons. Thus, the beginning of the term, "trans nazi."

For another idea, let's check in with Connie:

 

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 17, 2018 at 12:04 PM

"Maybe the spark has to come first, and not from the expression or presentation itself. As trans women, many of us spent a lot of time living a male-oriented life, cross dressing as time and situation allowed. The spark that leads to cross dressing is the anticipation of the feeling of the end result. Cis women don't see it that way, and I believe that transitioning trans women eventually reach a point where their perspective is closer to that of a cis woman. That is, femininity is not so much a feeling as it is another aspect of their womanhood.

It seems that the binaries of male/female, man/woman, and masculine/feminine all are bookends for their respective spectra. They are not mutually exclusive, and the possible combinations are endless. I think that many trans women - especially those who are satisfied with being occasional cross dressers - are often more in search of that "feminine feeling" from the perspective of their male-selves. We may well be picturing what we see as the ideal of femininity, and then we proceed to try to mold ourselves to fit that ideal. For some, that act can lead to not only good feelings, but outright euphoria. Then, there are those of us who have come to a point where the thrill is gone. It's just not realistic or sustainable on a day-to-day basis.

I was never secure in my masculinity. For most of my life, I tried to feel good about myself by looking and acting in what I thought to be was an acceptable (if not ideal) masculine way. The results of my efforts were never satisfactory because the premise was wrong. Suppressing my innate femininity simply could not make me masculine. Now that I've shed any expectations of masculinity, however, I have become more secure with my femininity (even while doing things that may be considered to sit more toward the masculine end of the spectrum). I don't need to get all dolled-up to feel feminine, but doing so often makes my feminine-self feel good.

This past weekend afforded me that opportunity for three different events. I felt happy about my physical expressions of my femininity, but I don't really think I felt I was more feminine because of them. In fact, because we had quite a wind storm Friday afternoon, we arrived at the home of our hostess to find that she had been without electricity for three hours. Not only had she not been able to, as she called it, "swank herself out," the light from the fireplace and a few candles was not enough to reveal our efforts, either. Yet, I don't think anyone felt any less feminine. My wife and I laughed on the way home about how we'd gone to so much trouble for nothing. I joked that we had literally left our hostess in the dark, but there was little doubt about our femininity. "

I like the term "swank herself out!" Thanks for the comment :)

Monday-Monday

Actually this Monday is the beginning of a very busy week.

Yesterday, we went to a newly opened nail salon, my nails are a festive shade of red to match the season and I am ready to go! By the way, I was happy with the new salon. All the people I interacted with were nice and I could almost understand all of their broken English. Which I can assure you was better than any attempt I might have at their language. So, for the first time ever, I was able to relax and enjoy the overall experience.

Back to the upcoming week. Wednesday evening, I am going to Liz's martial arts instructor Christmas get together "potluck." A potluck is when everyone brings a dish and if you are lucky most of them are great!

Thursday is the transgender-cross dresser Christmas party. It is semi formal and is being held at a very nice restaurant this year. Approximately forty have laid down their forty dollars a piece to attend. At the least, seeing what everyone wears should be worth the price of attendance. As we get closer, I will describe in more detail what I am going to wear.

Finally, Friday, is a small Yule get together with a group we are part of.

Monday is kicking off a very fun week!

Transgender Femininity?

On occasion I feel, people in the community place too much emphasis on looks. An example would be, equating how feminine you feel by how good you look. Having written that, I am the first to point out there is nothing better than feeling you are looking your best.

My point is an example from last night. I wore the outfit I described in the last Cyrsti's Condo post and felt just OK but nothing dramatic. Did I feel any less feminine? No, I didn't. Then again, I didn't feel any real spark from the outfit.

Perhaps I have crossed the transgender boundary into womanhood. I don't believe most cis-women live or die about their daily outfits. There simply isn't the time to do it.

If you are curious (as I was) the cross dresser who sets up the dinners, is now a "former" cross dresser. He said he was going back to the permanent male side because he can't find any women to hang out with. It was pointed out to him by another trans woman, he was perpetuating the fact that doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is the true sign of insanity. By spending time with us, there was no chance of finding a friend to share his life with.

At any rate, despite his constant advances on Liz, I didn't have a bad time and yes I did enjoy my transgender femininity, despite feeling I could have looked better.

Legging It Out

We just got home from a whirlwind day, doing errands and sitting through a couple of Liz's appointments. Nothing out of the ordinary today except a nice conversation with a middle aged man about a wonderful restored hotel in French Lick, Indiana. It's relatively close to where we live.

Now I have a short break until it's time to re-invent my makeup and change my clothes before we go out tonight.

Today I wore my black leggings, boots and green speckled cowl neck long sweater. Tonight, I am going to change into my patterned leggings, black flats and fuzzy lace trimmed olive green sweater for dinner.  As I have written before, we are going back to an upscale Italian Restaurant we frequent quite a bit. It will be interesting to see if the cross dresser who invited us comes as a guy or a girl.

Now, all I need to hope for is for all the rain we have been having to stop!

Nailed It

Yesterday in Cyrsti's Condo, I wrote about the basic differences for me going to a nail salon versus having my hair done. Basically I have always loved the hair experience and found the nail experience to be rather mechanical and impersonal. Admittedly though, much of it is my fault because of where I go to get my nails done. Due to financial considerations, I am fairly sure I am sacrificing personal service for cost. I only have a basic cut, trim and polish done and it costs around twenty five dollars, including tip.

As I also discussed yesterday, I have a problem too with the language barriers I encounter in the salon where the main spoken word is Vietnamese. If it was in Thai, it's possible I still would remember a few words from my old Army days. One way or another it would be more fun as I always like to converse more. As it turns out, clear out in the Pacific Northwest (from me), Connie has some of the same problems:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 13, 2018 at 5:56 PM

"It's definitely more fun to go into a nail salon with someone else. Otherwise, there usually is nobody with whom you can have a conversation. It is a bit unnerving, though, when the women who work in the salon speak a different language, and have their own conversations going on around, over, and through you. If their conversation is about you, though, I suppose it's best that you don't understand it. I often have to remind myself that I have no control over someone else's thoughts, and if they are thinking ill of me, it really is just a waste of their time; I'm never changing myself for their sake, anyway.

I'm going to try to get acrylic nails again tomorrow. It's getting harder to find a salon that does them anymore, especially one that does a good job at a reasonable price. It seems that every time I find one I like, the technician either retires or moves on to a different salon. My own nails have all been smashed at one time or another over the years, so that they grow all gnarly and bent. The only option, then, is to have acrylic nails if I want them to look good. Then, I have to schedule two-hours of time every three weeks to keep them looking good. Oh well, it's worth it...because I am worth it! (no matter what they're saying in Vietnamese)"

I guess I am fortunate enough over the years to have worked basically non manual labor jobs, so my nails aren't in bad shape. Liz gets the acrylics though and some day I am going to try them!

More Holiday Parties

The closer we get to Christmas, it seems, the more holiday invitations we receive. In fact, yesterday, we got two more.

The first, is a small get together at the restaurant we go to regularly this Saturday night. The second is a bring your own dish affair after Liz's martial arts class Wednesday night. Which means we will have places to go three nights in a row next week. Two not fancy and one really fancy.

Looking ahead (for once) we have decided to get our nails done in advance this weekend, while we have the opportunity.

I don't get the feminine kick which others do going to the salon. I guess it partially comes from not understanding the language which is being spoken. If someone has something to say about me, I want to know it. Then again, I might be making the whole thing up...which is worse. 

At any rate, the prices are reasonable and Liz has been going there for years, so all is good.

The Anti "PTSD"

My last blog post here in Cyrsti's Condo revolved around Transgender PTSD and how I experienced it Sunday. As luck would have it, the pendulum swung and today was absolutely wonderful.

I accompanied Liz to three of her doctors appointments and encountered several nurses/doctors who I realized have met me several times over the past several years. They were very nice as always. But, it was the other patients and nurses we encountered who made the difference in the day.

I don't know why yet but if I get a good start on the day and feel good about my overall presentation, the day just goes better. It is easier said than done, I know I should attempt to get off to a good start all the time, then again any woman feels better on different days.

Today on elevators (another of my biggest paranoia's) I even participated in conversations with other women, two of whom called us "ladies."

There is no worse feeling than gender dysphoria going wrong for a transgender person, and no better feeling when you don't have to worry about it.

If you remember my last blog post about dysphoria gone wrong in the ladies dressing room, Connie had another take on hearing heavy footsteps:

 FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 11, 2018 at 5:04 PM

"Heavy footsteps may have made me wonder if there were a cross dresser in the next stall.

One of the rules (written into the bylaws) of the local cross dresser social club is "no talking in the ladies room." Of course, if you have your feminine voice perfected, that wouldn't be an issue.... unless a baritone voice answers back. :-)

As I've often said, there is always something on any given day that will burst the bubble, reminding one of her transgender status. Fears we have from the past, whether real or imagined, can be triggered by the smallest thing. I'm glad you were able to shake it off and compose yourself in the moment."

That's a great idea! I should have stayed around to find out! 

As far as my voice goes, some days I think it "passes" better than others.

Transgender PTSD

Sunday, when we went to pick out Liz a new outfit for her Christmas parties, I experienced a feeling I hadn't went through for awhile...Trans-PTSD.

If you don't know what PTSD means, here is a short definition from the "National Institute of Mental Health" :

"PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.

It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems can be diagnosed with PTSD."

It's been awhile since I have experienced a short time like I did Sunday. To start with, Liz picked out five dresses to try on. As she was going back to the women's dressing room, I was prepared to stay out side in the store until she (Liz) said, get back there with her to tell her how she looked.

Without hesitation I followed her back without even a look from the girl monitoring the rooms. I felt OK until I heard heavy footsteps coming into the stall beside us and all of the sudden, I was expecting a knock on our door asking what we were doing in there. For an instance all the ancient memories of rest rooms past came flooding in on me. To the point I could barely take a breath! After a moment though, my panic subsided and I felt so relieved (as well as a little silly). 

I just don't know after all these years without a problem, I would still feel this way. Perhaps I always will.

"Mo" Privilege

Gender "privilege " is a difficult subject to write about.

First of all, I am going to get to Connie's comment:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 9, 2018 at 5:22 PM

Well, had you had male privilege, I imagine your haircut would have cost at least half of what it did!

Trans privilege? That may be an oxymoron. However, hard work and effort, along with some smarts, can get one more advantages than can any privilege alone. For those of us who are mtf, at least we have the advantage of knowing what male privilege can really offer (and it's not necessarily all that women might imagine it to be)."

You are right about the price! And, speaking of price, the State of Ohio just repealed it's very discriminatory "Pink Tax", which added tax on feminine hygiene items as well as other items used almost exclusively by women.  

I have always used an over simplification of male privilege. To me, privilege among men exists mainly from strength, looks, material possessions and/or athletic prowess. Possess one of the tour and you have a better chance of an easier life among your peers.

As easy as that sounds (or doesn't), all is not what it seems. Until you walk the proverbial mile in one gender or the other's shoes, you don't know how many football players would rather wear a cheerleader's uniform or how many powerful men would rather be a soft woman. 

Knowing "Mo" Privilege is often not as easy as it seems.

Male Privilege

During the last hair stylist appointment, I told Teresa (my stylist) about the Cyrsti's Condo blog and she suggested a post about male privilege.

Of course I told her we have discussed it many times but it seems to always be a current topic. An excellent example was how the transgender - cross dresser social Friday night quickly turned from being a girls night out for some of us, to a man dressed as a woman social. I suppose it is a natural reaction from those of us who try to cross the gender frontier (and return) frequently.

I always try not to be too flippant when writing about privilege though.

Mainly, it is a very serious topic when it comes to male privilege and potential violence. Men just don't grow up with the same problems with potential personal violence threats as women do. I learned very quickly the gender differences when I began to journey out of the closet and into a feminine existence. I was lucky, I escaped a couple potentially dangerous situations by simply not paying attention to my surroundings. 

Other privilege situations of course happened when I discovered I had become a second class citizen when conversing with men and had lost much of my perceived intelligence.   

I am proud to say, now, with much prodding from my partner Liz, I have been encouraged to regain a good part of my social interaction with the public.

I guess you could call it "trans privilege".

Thanks Teresa! 

Friday Night Lights

I did remember to get Liz to swap pictures last night with me after our latest adventure out to the cross dressers - transgender karaoke party. Once again I was dazzled about how so many of the attendees have not lost any of their male privilege. for the most part, I have always thought if you go to the time and effort to look like a woman, you should try to act like one too.

But, I can contradict myself too.  As most of you know, I am as current on most of sporting happenings but am careful to let it not dominate my conversation. My example was last night, two of the cross dressers carried on a very boring two way conversation about coaching little league teams and jobs. I had to keep reminding myself, they were cross dressers and less involved in the total
feminine experience.

I also found it interesting only one of the gender fluid folks even commented on my hair...pro or con. While three of the cis-women mentioned it.

Liz also got her hair styled and she deservedly stole the show. I was so happy for her. The new "style" really suits her continued weight loss of over 110 pounds.

My partner Liz