Transgender PTSD
Sunday, when we went to pick out Liz a new outfit for her Christmas parties, I experienced a feeling I hadn't went through for awhile...Trans-PTSD.
If you don't know what PTSD means, here is a short definition from the "National Institute of Mental Health" :
It's been awhile since I have experienced a short time like I did Sunday. To start with, Liz picked out five dresses to try on. As she was going back to the women's dressing room, I was prepared to stay out side in the store until she (Liz) said, get back there with her to tell her how she looked.
Without hesitation I followed her back without even a look from the girl monitoring the rooms. I felt OK until I heard heavy footsteps coming into the stall beside us and all of the sudden, I was expecting a knock on our door asking what we were doing in there. For an instance all the ancient memories of rest rooms past came flooding in on me. To the point I could barely take a breath! After a moment though, my panic subsided and I felt so relieved (as well as a little silly).
I just don't know after all these years without a problem, I would still feel this way. Perhaps I always will.
If you don't know what PTSD means, here is a short definition from the "National Institute of Mental Health" :
"PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.
It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a typical reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems can be diagnosed with PTSD."
It's been awhile since I have experienced a short time like I did Sunday. To start with, Liz picked out five dresses to try on. As she was going back to the women's dressing room, I was prepared to stay out side in the store until she (Liz) said, get back there with her to tell her how she looked.Without hesitation I followed her back without even a look from the girl monitoring the rooms. I felt OK until I heard heavy footsteps coming into the stall beside us and all of the sudden, I was expecting a knock on our door asking what we were doing in there. For an instance all the ancient memories of rest rooms past came flooding in on me. To the point I could barely take a breath! After a moment though, my panic subsided and I felt so relieved (as well as a little silly).
I just don't know after all these years without a problem, I would still feel this way. Perhaps I always will.
Heavy footsteps may have made me wonder if there were a cross dresser in the next stall.
ReplyDeleteOne of the rules (written into the bylaws) of the local cross dresser social club is "no talking in the ladies room." Of course, if you have your feminine voice perfected, that wouldn't be an issue.... unless a baritone voice answers back. :-)
As I've often said, there is always something on any given day that will burst the bubble, reminding one of her transgender status. Fears we have from the past, whether real or imagined, can be triggered by the smallest thing. I'm glad you were able to shake it off and compose yourself in the moment.