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| Image from Sara Dabaghian on UnSplash. |
Yesterday, I went with my wife Liz to her eye doctor appointment and assumed my position as a confirmed people watcher.
Even though the office for the most part was sparsely populated, I was able to view a wide variety of people including the gay person who checked Liz in as well as a variety of women from very plain to very attractive. While I was watching, it occurred to me as it always does, at how many do not really “pass well” in the traditional sense. And, how hard it is to do it for a transgender woman on the gender fence looking in.
Of course, none of the women I saw were dressed “to the nines” for their visit but most of them were wearing casually stylish leggings or jeans and sweaters or sweatshirts. Which was close to what I was wearing so I fit right in. The most attractive woman I saw all morning was a blond wearing a white sweat suit. I never did get a chance to see her face, but from the side, she seemed to be wearing makeup which was different from most of the women around her. She was just picking up glasses, so I did not have the chance to watch her much closer than I did.
After she left the office, it occurred to me how incredibly difficult it is for a woman to live up to the intense standards of beauty that society imposes on us. Nature has to endow us certain characteristics to build from and we have to work forward from there. Or, if you are a trans woman like me you started with nothing and had to do your best to put together a feminine image from there. The advantage most every other woman had on me was they were born female with the hormones to femininity them from birth and the socialization in society to go with it. I had no sleep overs with the other girls I grew up with to experiment with makeup, talk about boys and clothes and I resented it. I was stuck dealing daily with a male gender I wanted nothing to do with and even had a difficult time adjusting to. Leaving me with a blank gender workbook in my life to catch up on continually.
That was when I began to do the best I could to become a serious observer to everything feminine. Of course, I knew I would never have the chance to be the prettiest girl or woman in the room, but could I make it to the point where I could blend in with the rest of the ciswomen in the world who were not the most attractive but made the most of what they had to work with. As I learned too that there had not been a woman, yet who was totally satisfied with her appearance. She was either attractive in the face then did not like her hair or the body she had. Back in my male days, I could not understand the more voluptuous women who were complaining about their bodies because I found them to be more attractive and would just die to have a body such as theirs.
I also never understood the women who never took the extra effort to utilize the strengths of what they had to make the most out of their looks. Again, I am guilty of being jealous because until I was made over by a professional makeup artist, I did not think I had any feminine qualities to work with. Then I understood the power of a good makeover in my life. Along with why so many women make it a priority to stop at a quality salon regularly to have their hair done. It was all just part of understanding the place I fit in as a transfeminine person in an exciting new world where I don’t know how successfully I passed but do know I was finally able to blend in well. In a world run by ciswomen everywhere I went. Which was good because the cismen wanted nothing to do with me. When I did, I zeroed in on one of the big problems I had when I first left my mirror and went out into the world.
What happened was I kept having all those negative experiences because I was dressing for the wrong gender. I failed miserably when I dressed like my old male self-told me to do in tight short miniskirts which drew unwanted attention to myself. It was not until I let my feminine side talk me into more age-appropriate fashions. Then I was doing the best that I could to flatter my testosterone poisoned body which I had no choice but to work around. It was the first step towards putting my old male ego behind and working on my gender dreams.
It became increasingly important for me to stay in tune with the women around me as I tried my best to be accepted. Fortunately, my feminine presentation skills had improved enough by that time that I could concentrate on other important matters such as my all important communication skills. I have had comments from readers asking me how to do this and sadly there is no easy answer than just getting out there and doing it. You have to pay attention to the different ways women communicate than men. Which in my case I needed to begin to listen closely to everything I was told so I could pick up on the nuances of what I was hearing. I even took my communication skills to a vocal coach who would give me homework every week to work on. For example, I was given a list of words that women use all of the time which are interpreted differently than men. It came down to a point with me that I did not have to worry as much on how I sounded, but I really needed to pay attention to what was being said.
Passing skills are not a given with all ciswomen. Like womanhood itself, they are a socialized gift you can learn on your own. In my case it took years of trying before I got it right. I could not ever be the attractive woman I always wanted to be, but I could be good enough of a woman to lead a successful life. Which was good enough for me.
As always, thanks for reading along with my ideas of having a successful life as a transgender woman. I hope it helps you no matter where you are on the gender spectrum! Comments are always welcome.
