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| Image from Nicola Dowie on UnSplash. |
Recently, I had a response from a young transgender man on how he should attempt to come out to the world.
First of all, thanks for the comment and yes there are many
ways to leave your closet and enter the world of the gender you are trying to live
among. I know too that I have many trans men who stop by and read my comments which
flatters me because as we flip the gender script, often the worlds we must
conquer are not that different. Gaining the female or male privileges when you feminize
or masculinize yourself often are the biggest issues. After you come out to
spouses and family.
Over the years, I have read about coming outs that have
ranged from just showing up cross-dressed as your authentic self, all the way
to writing letters trying to explain the way you feel. As far as I am concerned,
just all of a sudden showing up as a woman (or a man) has too much of a shock
value and is counterproductive when you are trying to explain how you want to
live to the person sitting across from you. Writing a letter may be more
preferable if you feel more comfortable expressing yourself with written words
rather than speaking one on one with someone. In my case, even though I did not
feel comfortable talking to family about my upcoming changes, I hitched up my
new big girl panties (under my male clothes) and asked to speak privately with
those family members closest to me. My
first attempt at coming out was with my only child, a daughter and as I always
write about, she took it extremely well. Just to show me life could never be
that easy, my coming out to my only brother went off the rails quickly and we
have not spoken since about 2014.
Having said that, I do caution trans women and trans men who
are just coming out to family and loved ones that you are in a marathon not a
race and sooner more than later, your family might come around. Plus, there is
an increasing amount of information available now to explain your desire to
live as yourself. If you have the chance, you maybe able to direct them towards
the positive aspect of what you are doing and away from all the negative news
they may see from politicians on the media ads. In my case, the split between
my brother and I ran so deep when he refused to stand up for me and invite me to
our family’s traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, I just can’t forgive him for that.
On the positive side, the relatively few people who knew the
former me notice almost immediately that I am happier now. And if you give
someone the chance to calm down and see the real you, they will respect that
and the real you.
Of course, as we flip back to the negative side, there are
always those family members that will try to throw religion in your face. Unless
you are more of a biblical scholar than I am, I usually just give up on them.
Overall, I find the different sides of transitioning between
transgender women and transgender men to be interesting. Since I was raised around
the male dominated world of trying to force my way through difficult situations,
I never gave much thought to trans men having to adjust to not being passive
aggressive so much. Then there is always the idea of using the restroom which
hangs over both of us. Even though trans men are in a new world in a men’s room
where no one wants to make eye contact or speak, there is always the idea of
having to still find a stall to use. Which conceivably could attract unwanted
attention depending upon how well you present and how long you have been on
testosterone. I know I have oversimplified the men’s room process and if you
are a trans man, I am always up for ideas on restroom survival.
Flipping the script again, using the women’s room as a trans
woman is something I know quite a bit about. The first thing I quickly learned
was I needed to make contact and speak when someone else was in “the room.” From
there, much of what I learned was either common sense such as never placing my
purse on the floor and making sure my stall still had toilet paper all the way
to trying to pee in the bowl a certain way to mimic the ciswoman in the stall
next to me. Then, no matter how much I was in a hurry to leave, I had to always
stop at a sink, check my face and always wash my hands.
Anyway, you cut it, when you have desire to cross the gender
border either way from male to female or female to male, you must learn so many
nuances of the moves you are making. Even though there are strict rules you
need to follow, often times you will find yourself making up your own rules as
you go along. It is just the nature of the ultra-serious game we play. What has
worked for me in the past may not work for you and often I hear from readers
who have supporters and non-supporters in the same family. The only advice I
can offer is to embrace your new gender allies and hope your detractors come
around.
The end result always must be it is your life to live and
you need to live it to be happy. Sometimes your path will lead you the wrong
way, just like your GPS does on occasion but it is not time to panic until you can
get readjusted. Be patient, and it will happen.
As always, thank you for the comments I receive, often they
are difficult to answer seeing as how we dealt with such a complex issue such
as gender. I just hope, in my small way I can help.
