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| Image from Gayatri Malthroa on UnSplash. |
Throughout nearly half of a century, my male self-fought the complete transition I made into a feminine lifestyle.
During that extended period of time, I think I tried
everything possible to convince myself that I was wrong to want to play in the
girls’ sandbox at all. As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I “purged” many
times of my feminine belongings. Leaving me with nothing but my most cherished pieces
of girl’s/woman’s clothing and makeup. The makeup was easy because I knew I
could always buy more. Perhaps the most precious items I never threw away were
the nice wigs I was able to buy and the silicone breast forms which ironically
were given to me by a fellow cross dresser who was purging also. Deep down
inside, I knew I would need the wigs and breast forms again when my urge to
cross-dress returned. As my own personal history told me it would.
It turned out that purging was not my last defense, no
matter how hard I tried. In fact, the more I tried not to be feminine in any
way shape or form, it seemed I slipped closer and closer to it. Especially when
I learned I could dress to blend with most of the ciswomen around me. It was
then I learned how natural I felt when I began to get it right and could feel
all the gender euphoria I could feel.
What I did continually feel was my masculinity slipping away
and I only used it on occasions with my wife in mixed company and when I was
working in a high-pressure environment. For years, when I was out in the world
experimenting living a new life, I felt as if I was sliding down a steep hill
towards a transgender cliff which I had no idea of how I would be able to land.
In all fairness to my second wife, she never opposed me
cross-dressing and knew about it when we got married. But on the other hand, completely
opposed any idea of me becoming a transfeminine person. Between her and my male
self, they made formidable opponents in my life when I thought about living as
a trans woman. What made it all worse was when my wife kept saying she did not
want to live with another woman and did not agree to that when we got married and
I had to agree with her. Putting me in a very difficult situation in my life. I
escaped the best I could by sneaking out of the house behind her back at any
given time I found to test the world time and again to see if I would be
allowed to go back behind the gender curtain. Which in many ways, represented escaping
the last defense to staying in the male world I had.
Of course, my wife found out on numerous occasions what I
was doing as a trans woman and resisted all my progress. When she did, we had
giant battles which she normally won and I tried the therapy route to help me
with my gender issues. Therapy helped me in many ways in my life but not so
much with my deep-seated gender issues. I was expecting too much when one therapist told
me if I thought our sessions would ever relieve my tensions, I would be wrong until I was able to
make the final decision on if I was able to be a woman or not. At that point, I
had two of the most far-reaching quotes that I ignored which were told to me.
One of which was the time I was told I was the only one who could decide my
gender future and the second was when my wife told me to go ahead and be man enough
to be a woman. I was so sure I could do it my way and it cost me dearly.
Especially, in terms of my overall mental health when juggling two genders and
two lives at once became too much to handle. I did not know if I was coming or
going on which day it was on how I was expected to act.
As many of you know, my second wife tragically died of a
massive heart attack, leaving me with only my male self to do gender battle
with. His last defenses deteriorated quickly as I became deeply unhappy and lonely
and took solace in my inner female self for comfort. She stepped up big time,
and very soon when I was not working nights, I was in one of my regular drinking
venues seeking company. That was when I discovered I had more in common with
the lesbians I met than with any man. Since most of them rejected me anyhow for
leaving the good old boys club. I was able to say good riddance and go forward in
my life into a world I never thought possible could ever be a part of. I had never
really got along well with men in my life, and it turned out nothing had really
changed. Except the way I was exploring the world. Finally, as my true self. As
I was finding me after all those years of searching.
The last defense my male self-had was when my third wife Liz
and only daughter came to my rescue with unwavering support for my final dive
off the steep gender cliff. They made the landing very soft, and even easy. More
precisely, Liz made me a believer in myself again and my daughter gave me
support I needed from what blood family I had left since my brother rejected me,
and my parents had long since passed away. Add in the couple of lesbians I
always socialized with and I had all the support I needed to succeed in where I
had dreamed of going and being accepted behind the gender curtain.
By far, I would be remiss if I did not mention the power of
HRT or gender affirming hormones in removing any of the final defenses my male self-had
going for him. I could not believe how fast the hormones acted as my body began
to change, inside and out. It would take a whole post to describe all the
impacts the hormones made to me. In fact, I have my annual appointment with my endocrinologist
coming up this week, and with it, the chance to get refills on my hormonal
patches.
Maybe I can thank her then for helping me to win my battle
with my male self. Since I receive my HRT meds through the Veterans
Administration, I always hope nothing changes from the top down with my ability
to keep receiving a huge part of what makes me whole. I worked too long to get
here.
Thanks again for joining me on my journey and I hope my
experiences help you too.
Any comments, claps or subscriptions are welcome and make my
work so worthwhile!
