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| JJ Hart from my Parttime Life. |
When I began cross-dressing at a very early age, I learned I was so much more than a casual visitor to my femininity.
I knew because the feelings of wanting to be a girl just did
not go away when the clothes came off and I needed to quickly return to my old
male world. I was very resentful that I needed to return to being male because
I had no choice in the matter to do it. Nothing seemed to help the way I felt except
planning for the next time I could be alone and be the feminine person I wanted
to be.
As I grew up, I did not grow away from my feminine instincts
and desires, I grew into them and decided to gather the courage and leave my closet
to see if I could make it in a world of ciswomen where I always wanted to be. Sure,
I was scared when I first faced the world, but it was a natural progression for
me if I was ever going to make it to my dream of living a transfeminine life. Following
the initial clownish attempts, I made to present myself to the world, I settled
in and learned how to present myself properly in a world dominated by the very
women that I had put up on a pedestal early in my life.
Ironically, the two women that I chose to be my primary role
models were the two women who tried to stop my transition the most. The first
was my mom who was a very dedicated and popular schoolteacher who ran a very
successful male dominated family from behind the scenes. Long before she passed
away when I got out of the Army, I sat down with her and told her of my desire
to be a woman. She quickly rejected me and said she would pay for a trip to a psychiatrist.
Which was exactly what I did not want to hear because recently I had come out
to a very small group of friends in the Army that I was a transvestite and was
accepted. There was no way I was going to let mom push me back in the closet,
so we never mentioned the subject again.
My second wife presented me with an entirely different
challenge to my identity. She knew from the start of our relationship I was a
cross-dresser but soundly rejected any ideas of me going forward into the
transgender world of women. I had to respect her promise that she did not sign up
to live with another woman, and it was the cause of many fights over our
twenty-five years of marriage before she suddenly passed away. Regardless of
all the negative feedback I received from both of them, I learned close up what
it meant to be a strong independent woman in the world. While at the same time
maintaining a family relationship. If I could ever be half the woman, they
were, I could be successful.
Now, let's get back to that darn pedestal I put women up on
for as long as I did. It took me years of trying to cross the gender border and
being allowed to experience what was going on in the girls’ sandbox to do it.
But when I did, I was finally able to destroy what was left of the pedestal I
had built so many years before. When I was out in the world as a transgender
woman, I learned the separate paths that cismen and women take. Since I had
already learned the hard way about the male path, my next big challenge was to adapt
it to the strong feminine world I was trying to survive in. One of the main
things I learned was once you were out of the men’s club you were totally out
for being a traitor and not following the fragile rules that men had set up
over the years. Especially the ones that included any reference to their sexuality.
Women, on the other hand, were much more sympathetic to my
cause. All the way to guiding me into women only spaces. There were very few
times when I was completely rejected by ciswomen as I tried to be in their
world. Probably the biggest reasons were they were curious about what I wanted there,
and I was not up to no good as I was just being my authentic self all the time.
Much more than being a part-time visitor. I knew from my experience as a man
that women were much more in tune for BS from the world than men and embraced
me when I did not have any of that negative aura around me as I was just the true
me. Which I had taken years to experience.
It is no surprise to me that some think I am not trans enough
to write about my experiences because I have never gone through any of the major
gender realignment surgeries. Long ago when I could not afford any of the major
surgeries, I decided I could live without them because my gender was between
the ears and not between the legs. So, I set out to discover the best I could
do to still live a complete life in a world of ciswomen everywhere. I ended up
putting years into my pursuit of learning a new life, but all the work was
worth it because I was able to carve out a new feminine life from the remints of
a successful male life. Proving I was so much more in the world than just a part-time
visitor into the world of women was certainly a challenge but with help I was
able to do it.
I had the fork in the path long ago, when I had to decide to
end my part-time infatuation with being a girl into the fulltime version of
living the dream that I always wanted. Then I put my two and two together and
hit the jackpot. I ended up winning my own personal lottery by finally
listening to myself and doing the right thing.
Thanks for reading along! Any comments are always
welcome!
