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| Image from Sahin Kalijii on UnSplash. |
Growing up, I had what I considered to be a very dark and escape proof gender closet.
I was part of the pre-internet/social media generation so I
could not find the latest online tutorial on improving my makeup skills. And of
course, I could not run to my mom or girls’ peer group for any information
either. I was stuck with no light in my closet all by myself it seemed.
I stayed that way for years until gender pioneers such as “Virginia
Prince” began to shine her faint light into my closet. I had little to no knowledge
that individuals such as me even existed in the world. Once I did, I was very
relieved I was not the only transvestite as Virginia called us then in the
world and I set out to meet others. Before I could open my closet door even a
little, I had to convince my second wife that it would be OK to do it. She had
known from the beginning of our relationship that I was a cross-dresser but did
not like it when I began to let others know of my so called “hobby.” It
actually marked the beginning of me opening my closet door to the world and
proclaiming I was a transgender woman, not a part time man putting on a dress
and makeup.
Along the way, another problem I had was deciding when to
take the chance to open my closet door and to which person. I did myself no
favors when for the most part, I tried to internalize all my feminine feelings which
made me an impossible person to get along with when I was looking in the mirror
at my male self and hating what I saw. All the times I ventured out of my
closet only to have to hurry back in was wrecking most of my life as I knew it.
Not to mention the life with my wife who I envied because she was a ciswoman,
and resented because she would not let me explore a feminine side which was
trying to see the light of day.
I found my male self-had installed a powerful spring closer
on my closet door which was designed to keep me in. Deep down he knew his part
of my life was in danger every time I was able to escape the closet and get out
into the world. I felt so enlightened and natural when I did, I never wanted to
return to my male life and all its drudgery. I was so sick of wearing the same
old collection of ties to work every day when better/brighter fashion choices
awaited me in my closet at home.
I discovered that the more I outfitted my closet with
brighter lights and bigger mirrors, the more I wanted to test my new fashions,
wigs, and makeup in the world. Away from my mirror which had the tendency to
lie to me. I can’t tell you how many times the mirror told me I looked great
only to be rejected quickly in the public’s eye. It took me years to realize
that I was expecting too much on just looking like a ciswoman, I had not yet
paid my dues on becoming myself and then having the ability to relax and enjoy
myself even more.
It helped me too when I began to venture further away from
my closet as my confidence as a transfeminine person began to grow. To get
there, I needed to be able to look another woman in the eye and communicate one
on one with her about the world around us. Men entered the picture too but briefly
since most of them did not want to have anything to do with me anyhow. More and
more, I did not have to scramble back to my closet following a bad day or night
out into the world because I was doing better in my feminine life. All my male
could do was sit back and helplessly watch as his hold on me slipped away and
all he ended up being was a provider because of his good job.
I arrived at a point when I needed to expand the small dark transgender
closet, I had always lived in. It all began with me having to accept who I really
was and had much more to do than just expanding my closet for all the feminine
clothes I was buying. I was making a huge lifestyle choice that I had spent way
too long deciding to make. All of this moving things around in my life led me
all the way to leaving my closet totally behind and looking for a transgender
house to live in. I had taken my time (decades) to make my decision, and it
occurred to me that I had taken too much time but by then there was nothing I
could do about re-winding the clock. I took the good and lived on until I was
able to carve out a new transfeminine life.
As I look back, it does not seem possible to me that I have
come from the lost, lonely boy staring longingly at himself dressed as a girl
in his closet’s mirror to the person I am today. But none of would have been
possible had I not been able to embrace the help of several key ciswomen around
me to make it happen. I wonder what would have become of me if I was not able
to meet them. On the bright side, stepping out of my closet (as scary as it
was) enabled me to meet all of them to start with. So, destiny was on my side
as my life went full circle from a dark closet to the bright existence I live
with my wife Liz now. I was just fortunate as my hunches that everything would
work out if I stayed on my gender path. I just had the super strong hunches
that they would.
Thanks very much to all of you who read and interact with my
writings. All comments are always welcomed!
