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| Image from Brian Lawson on UnSplash. |
Looking back at your gender transition, was it ever too easy or too difficult? From many of the comments I receive, I would say the answer is difficult. Even if you are an everyday cross-dresser all the way to a post opt transgender woman.
For me, it went both ways like my gender as it depended on
the experience or even the day. For example, when I was getting laughed out of venues
I should have been passing in, my whole life was too difficult as the opposite of
gender euphoria set in. My inner stubbornness set in, and I just had to do
something to make my life better.
By this time, I was in survival mode. Clinging to every
shred of gender euphoria I could find. By taking the time and effort to make my
dysfunctional life better, I was making it worse. Just in time, when I was in
total despair, I learned what I was doing wrong in the world to blend in and
begin to prosper as a novice trans woman. Mainly I was dressing way too inappropriately
for a woman my age, and when I started to look around at the ciswomen around
me, life began to change. As I began to build a new professional women’s
wardrobe, suddenly I found myself presenting and blending into feminine
situations I never could before. It was not easy, but I was getting closer.
By closer, I meant my all-important confidence that I was doing
the right thing was growing too. It helped when I was able to look another
woman in the eye and have a face-to-face conversation too. It was very
difficult for me to get there because of my inherent shyness and other factors
but with a lot of work I did it. I was far from perfect, but I was learning.
Before I knew it, I became an accepted regular at the ciswomen’s
get togethers after work at a local TGIF Fridays and I was in heaven every time
I did it and wanted to branch out into other similar venues which accepted
single women at their bars. Even though I was having no problems at those
venues, it was never easy for me as I was always waiting for the other foot to
fall when someone would ask me why a man in a dress and makeup was doing there.
Needless to say, it never happened and I was able to enjoy my drinks in peace. I
did not think of it then, but I was suffering from an age-old condition which
was instilled in me as a kid that nothing was ever good enough. If I was succeeding
in the venues I was going to, why shouldn’t I try new ones.
In other words, I was not stopping my trip up my male to
female femininization journey to enjoy my progress. I was still looking over my
back for trouble. Another problem I always mention it was how ill-prepared I
was for the internal lives' women lead. I had never been allowed to see behind
the feminine gender curtain and was left to my own to imagine how it was. Naturally,
I played up the good such as the pretty clothes, hair and makeup and downplayed
aspects such as passive aggressive behavior all the way to having to learn all
the basics of womanhood from peer group approval. I had no sleepovers with
other young girls to work with or mascara lessons from mom. As it turned out, I
was probably wearing more makeup at a younger age as the daughter she never faced
the fact she had.
Which always made another part of my life difficult because
deep down I wanted for her to accept me for who I was. Even though I tried to
explain to her one night that I always wanted to be a woman, the best she could
do was reject me and offer therapy. We never mentioned it again as I struggled
for acceptance in my new feminine existence. I could never understand how she
could reject me so quickly with no discussion whatsoever. She was part of the “greatest
generation” which I guess did not include emotional support for gender issues.
Since I was used to my parents not making my life easier emotionally, it was
easier for me to move on.
As I did move on in my own new and exciting transfeminine
world, I was able to discover social sources of emotional backup they never knew
they provided. What they provided was a learning experience for me to do away
with any vestiges of my male past. After the years of fighting the gender
changes, he was facing, my male self finally gave up his throne fairly easily
and let my long hidden feminine self-take over and erase the scars from all the
fighting she went through. Most importantly, my new circle of ciswomen friends
never questioned my femininity and I flourished with them. Making up for all
the lost time I had as a man trying in vain to hang on to what he had in male privilege
he had earned but had never had the chance to appreciate because he never
really wanted them after all.
It all brings me to the now of life. I still bear the recent
scars of the two new Veterans Administration nurses who kept referring to me as
“he” behind my back because my doctor never does. The difference is now the
gender slings don’t hurt for long because I have long since concluded, I am only
me and that must be good enough. Plus, I just learned that the VA is facing a shortage
of the Estradiol patches I use and I only have a couple weeks of patches on
hand to use. So, once again, hormonal injections may become a reality for me. It’s
another bridge I am building that hopefully I will not have to jump off.
Perhaps I will always carry with me some of the difficulties
which come with a transgender life that I never started with any natural
feminine qualities. Testosterone poisoning tore me up and I have paid the price
ever since. But, like before, I will get over the bad and embrace the good from
the family and friends who are around me.
Thanks for reading along and I hope you gained serious insight
from my writings. Any comments or claps are always appreciated by you!
