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| JJ Hart |
I saw on the news this morning that shortly after the Fourth of July holiday is the busiest time to travel during the year. It got me to thinking about my own major vacations when I shed my male self and began my life as a transfeminine person.
Mainly, I remember the times when I just needed a passport to
go past my natural fears, put my cross-dressing past behind me and step into the
world of a transgender woman. That invisible passport was difficult for me to come
by since I needed to overcome my fragile confidence to step out of my gender
shadows to get it. It was difficult because my earliest days of going public as
a trans woman were often brutal when the public got ahold of me and I was laughed
at routinely. It literally took me years of work in my cross-dressing workbook
to get to the point where I could go out into the world and make a good effort
to blend in. When I did, I began to earn my vacation away from my male self.
The more vacations away from him that I had, the more I
began to appreciate the new world of ciswomen I was allowed into. As rock and
roll idol “Billy Idol” was singing, the more I did, I wanted “More, More,
More.” (Rebel Yell, 1984) Early on, I was naive and did not realize what I was
getting myself into and partially thought my need for a gender passport would
eventually burn itself out and go away. But of course, the need to have a
passport just burned brighter in my soul. It seemed because of the need for
femininity increasingly felt so natural to me.
It turned out at that time, when I was out in the world as a
trans woman, either I was getting it very right or very wrong. Mainly because I
did not know what I was doing such as how to move the best I could as a woman or
how I communicated with other women at the time. Because they were
overwhelmingly the only people who were interested in talking to me at all as
nearly all men shunned me. I was amazed at how many women in their own unique
way wanted to see my gender passport and let me in behind the gender curtain.
It all led me to finally legally change my name with the
help of my daughter. We came up with a family name which honored one of my
grandparents and my mom too. Who never supported her new daughter, but I
forgave her and took her first name as my new middle name anyhow. As a plus, my
new initials were easy for my three young grandkids to remember me by, so the
name was well accepted by all.
Since I had my new permanent name in place, I could start
building a new permanent feminine persona every time I went out to try to carve
out a new life as a trans woman. As I was carving, sometimes I hit very hard
granite and had to stop and start over until I could find the sandstone softer
rock and keep moving towards my gender goal of living fulltime as a transfeminine
person. As I carved, I needed to make certain I was always on the outlook for
cave-ins which could cause havoc with my male life. Which was still very much
in the picture. Because he still controlled most of my life the public saw as
well as life with my second wife (who wanted no part of losing a transgender
spouse) and a very good job I had at that time too.
As life moved on for me, I discovered brief moments of
gender euphoria which kept me going through the dark days of my male to female femininization.
Such as when I was able to leave the gay bar venues which I felt uncomfortable
in and set out to be accepted in straight sports bars which I knew so well as a
man. I was in my gender heaven when I worked my way into regular status in
several of the venues I coveted. Once I was accepted by the staff, I could be accepted
by their customers also and I thought I had it made. Sadly, by that time the
one lesbian bar I used to go to and was accepted in closed its doors and that
outlet for me was over.
These days, the closet thing that I have (so far) to an
actual passport is my drivers license which has a “F” for female on it and my
relocated copies of my name change documents I recently went with my wife Liz
on the three-hour round-trip journey to my hometown to pick up. With all the turmoil
caused by the idiots in Washington DC it seems in the future I may need a real
passport to vote. So, I am getting ready for that if I need one.
Other than that, I am satisfied with the lifetime of
progress I have made by having a suitable passport which allows me to live a public
life mainly with the acceptance and help of the ciswomen around me. I was able
to ignore the occasional hater like the pharmacist long ago when I started HRT
who insisted in a crowded pharmacy in screaming loudly did, I know what the Estradiol
medications would do to me. Not that she cared, but I promptly took my business
elsewhere. It was no business of hers to judge me anyhow and try to out me to
the world.
The passport I earned allowed me to open fantastic gender
doors that I never thought I could do and the one I need to get will allow me
to vote I am afraid here in backwards Ohio. I am not planning to ever travel
outside of the country again in my life, so I won’t need a passport for that.
Just the one I have already earned the hard way along my gender path.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you
who take the time to read along with my writing! It always means so much when
you take the time to read and comment.
