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| JJ Hart (center) with Liz (left) and daughter (right) |
Yesterday was one of those rare days when I needed to get out in the world and do several errands with my wife Liz.
The errands revolved around going to two of her doctor’s
visits she had in one day. That means playing the eye game in waiting rooms for
me because I always want to see if anyone is paying attention to the only
transgender woman in the room. I am happy to say no one did and I went on with
my life.
Since I was only going to waiting rooms, there was no reason
to do anything else but dress casually and cool since our temperatures were supposed
to reach near the one-hundred-degree mark (F) for the day. So, I chose my lightweight
new “The Ohio State Buckeyes” shirt and a pair of leggings for the day since
the “Buckeyes” first game is coming up later tomorrow. Also to try to stay
cool, I pulled my very long hair back and went with a light foundation and lip
gloss.
One way or another no one in waiting room number one paid me
any attention as I played a quick “eye-tag” game with them to again see if
there was any recognition of me as anything out of the normal.
It was not so long ago that I would have been paranoid about
even going at all, but I am happy to say all the old fears are past me now. It
is certainly no fun waiting for my wife Liz in a doctor’s office but it is
something we do for each other when we can and I need her help when I need to
go to the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital for an
appointment because it always involves a lot of walking which I need help with.
It is a great tradeoff for me.
In the second waiting room, ironically, it was my Ohio State
shirt which got me into a conversation with a woman who was older than even me.
She noticed my shirt and asked if I had any grandchildren who attended school there
and I said one graduated and one had just started a year ago. She responded
that she had one of her grandchildren who had attended OSU a couple years ago
and was a physicist now and I told her my oldest was a nuclear engineer as a civilian
for the Navy in Maine and they seem to like it. The conversation was pleasant
and made the time go so much faster as she waited for her husband to get
through in the bathroom and left before Liz returned.
Speaking of kids, today is my daughter’s fiftieth birthday and
I would like to send out my wishes to her as she climbs a mountain somewhere in
Maine. All I know about it is, it is on the end of the Appalachian trail. I am
so proud of her and my son-in-law for raising such a diverse and successful
family which includes one transgender child who is in Maine. She has always
been one of my biggest supporters.
It is always good to get out in the world and be accepted as
a transgender woman Making myself available to do so has sometimes been a
difficult task to take on, but I was fortunate enough to find ways to do it.
I am not sure that there is ever an easy path to living a
transgender life and a trans woman or trans man. Genders are so ingrained in us
from birth that they are so difficult to change. We get to a point where we try
to internalize our truths. Making them an even bigger burden to take on. Now,
just being able to interact with another woman on an equal basis means so much
to me and takes back to the days when I was just learning to do it. Then, as in
now, the secret to doing it was having the confidence to do it. Which for me,
was never an easy thing to do because I was always so shy to start with. It
seemed to me that once I built my frail confidence to a point where I could
enjoy it, something would come along and destroy all my work. Really, it was
not until I brought what was left of my of my old male building blocks into my
life’s equation, did I begin to see true improvement.
Among other things, he taught me how to stand my ground as a
trans woman during the difficult times. Deep down I was learning the life
choices I was making were the correct ones.
Which takes me full circle into being relaxed as a
transfeminine me in a room full of people yesterday and being able freely being
able to talk to a ciswoman about family in another waiting room. I was able to
learn the right way to do it from all the girls’ nights out I was invited to
where the main topic was not work but was family.
On the other hand, part of me is like our old family cat as
he seems to never be totally relaxed. Even when I am in the middle of a
conversation like I was yesterday, I was still closely observing the ciswoman I
was talking to see if she had any spark of knowledge that I was a transwoman. Perhaps
my life experiences will make it impossible for all my paranoia to totally go away.
Best yet, both appointments came back good for Liz’ health,
which was a great relief.
In the meantime, again Happy Birthday to my daughter who has
been so supportive of me over the years and I hope those of you who are just
finding your way long your gender path, I hope all goes well for you and thank
you for reading!
