No Way to Solve a Problem

 

Image from Babi on UnSplash.

When I discovered my true gender issues that were disrupting my life, I needed to try to solve the problems they created.

In order to do it, I set out on a lifetime journey of discovery. Like most of you, I began my explorations in my mom’s clothes and even tried my hand with her makeup samples. My mirror often lied to me and told me I presented as a pretty girl. Of course, in my pre-teen years before testosterone began to change me, I had an easier time of looking the best I could as a young girl.

When testosterone came along with puberty my problems became real. At the same time, I was becoming better at hiding my collection of feminine clothes I found and was able to buy from my meager allowance. I became very resourceful when it came to my cross-dressing desires, as I even resorted to a cheap Halloween costume wig to get me by for years until I could finally afford to buy one.

As I chased my feminine tail from one close call to another with my family, I wondered why I was cursed with the gender problems I had. In addition, I felt as if I was the only one who had them. I was trapped in a male dominated family who would never understand a boy who deeply wanted to be a girl. My only choice was to keep trying the best I could to solve my problem.

It took me years to realize my so-called problem was more of an opportunity than anything else. But first of all, I needed to face my problem woman to man. No more of my second wife telling me to be man enough to be a woman. It turned out, I was man enough to be a transgender woman, but it was going to be a real battle. By this time in my life, I had accumulated quite a bit of male privilege I knew I had to lose in order to be successful. Basically, for a while, my female self’s main strengths where she felt so alive and natural when given a chance to shine.

As she took advantage of her time in the public’s eye, almost all of my problems seemed to melt away, and I began to feel having the opportunity to experience both binary genders up close and personal in my life was not a problem at all. I just made it one due to my inability to deal with it. I just had too many gender obstacles to overcome. I had accumulated too much male baggage I doubted I would ever be able to live without. It turned out, I could live without most of them, and surprisingly, I could bring some of the baggage along. My prime example was my lifetime love of sports, which I found a group of cisgender women who were as serious about sports as I was, so I was able to fit right in and even have fun.

The new and improved me proved I had lived most of my life as a man as a lie. All the time I spent worrying about wearing dresses and makeup was a waste of time. I had my whole life backwards. My wife was right; I was not man enough to be a woman for the longest time. Once I was though, I never looked back. I can’t say I was prepared for all the changes I was about to make; I was excited about the opportunity I was given to make them. Which most people never get.

It was certainly never a way to solve a problem; I learned the hard way.