A-Ha Moments

Beaded Trans Hair Piece by
Liz T Designs 

 This is an extension of several recent posts I have written about  my gender transition but few of them were about a-ha moments along the way. I guess you could call them rare moments of gender euphoria before I ever thought of such a phrase which I of course didn't invent. 

The first a-ha moment I had was early in life when I realized dressing up as a girl wasn't enough. Being a girl was the best idea. There was no way I could know this was the first indication I was transgender and not a cross dresser. 

Fast forward several years of gender struggle, my next moments of gender euphoria could all be wrapped up in all the Halloween parties I went to. Through them all I learned the power of dressing as a woman was real and I loved it all. Especially the parties when I was mistaken for a well dressed woman not in costume. More on those parties when I spotlight Halloween in my October posts.

In essence Halloween taught me there was a chance I could pursue farther the idea of living my life in a feminine world and survive. 

Finally Halloween became just another day for me and I moved on to other a-ha moments came when I decided male dominated gay venues weren't working for me. I became quite frustrated when I was treated like a drag queen or when I was completely discriminated against for simply being myself. When I learned I could frequent large sports bars or the occasional small lesbian bar and be much happier.  Often I learned the hard way I could live in the world and play in the girls sandbox. The more I did it, the more I wanted to do to expand my knowledge of being an out transgender woman. Which in itself was a true revelation.

About this time a-ha moments came fast and furious as I learned the hard way how to exist and communicate with other women. For the second time in my life woman's fashion took a back seat to more important functions such as establishing myself as a brand new feminine person. All of the sudden I was completely immersed with communicating with the world as a transgender woman.

Perhaps the biggest a-ha moment in my transgender life came when I started hormone replacement therapy. For once I was syncing up the inner woman who I strongly felt needed to live with my external testosterone poisoned exterior self. In a short period of time, my breasts and hair grew wonderfully along with a softening of my skin and features. Perhaps most surprisingly were the changes to my emotions. I became decidedly less aggressive when dealing with world. I guess you could say HRT softened my world.

Of course there are many other a-ha moments which may come along in your life such as passing a mirror and noticing a woman looking back at you. Hopefully your positive moments out number your negative ones.  

Living the Dream

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

For so many years I lived with what I thought was the impossible dream. That dream of course was wondering if I could ever live a life as a full time transgender woman. Although for the longest time I didn't see how I was ever going to make it to my goal, slowly but surely I kept moving towards it. 

I like to say I was a serious cross dresser for fifty years of my life. During the half century I made a few strides in makeup and fashion only to find myself headed back to the cross dressing drawing board time and time again. The only positive aspect of the experiences were I tried to learn from each one. What worked and what didn't. Every positive gave me hope for the future. 

Along the way I have written concerning the gender maze I found myself in. I felt everytime I achieved one goal and turned the corner, I found another corner to deal with. Almost all with no positive intervention from any other person. Even though my wives knew of my cross dressing activities, they were rarely participants. And, if the truth be known, many times I didn't want to follow the ideas of what a woman meant to them. Even to the point of trying my best to dress to blend when and if we ever went out together as girlfriends. Examples were when my second wife and I used to journey to Columbus, Ohio to eat at a LGBT friendly restaurant. It got the point of me wearing jeans and a sweater and she (my wife) still didn't like the way I looked. Deep down I knew I was struggling to find my feminine identity and I stayed on course with what I wanted to wear. 

Slowly but so uncertainly my small successes added up and my dream of living full time became more than a distant reality. After the fewer and fewer setbacks I had, I righted the gender ship and realized yet again how natural my feminine side felt. When I went out as a novice transgender woman I felt the world was in the right place and I even went as far as feeling out of place when I went out as a guy. 

Finally even I could not deny it any longer, I was meant to live as a transgender woman. I started hormone replacement therapy and started to transition my exterior as close as I could to match my feminine soul. It all worked so well and I was left no alternative to living my dream. The hormones fueled the fire which burnt my final bridge back to any male life I had left. 

After I made the commitment to giving away all of my male clothes, a new voice inside of me was asking what took so long. My only answer was I was stubborn and wanted to hang on to whatever white male privilege as long as I could. Most certainly giving it all up was one of the best decisions I ever made.

My biggest lesson from my lifetime of experience is, not trying at all is the biggest disaster.

Trans Dar?

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

 Trans Dar to me means recognizing another transgender woman. All of it seems so simple but it is not. 

First, you have to decide if your transgender instincts are correct. An example occurred when I was arriving I saw another woman who arrived just ahead of me for our recent transgender - cross dresser group dinner. She was well dressed in a summer dress with low high heels. More than likely, if I had just been coming to the venue on a regular night, I may have not given her a second glance. But she was by herself and she set off my Trans Dar. She beat me to the table and later I found she was a self professed cross dresser. 

Approaching another transgender person for me has never happened. Back when we used to shop regularly at a couple grocery stores I used to see on occasion a couple of women I perceived to be transgender. The most I did do was try to get a closer look to see if I could be correct if she was another transgender woman. On occasion I wished I had the courage to speak to them but I didn't. The main reason was I was afraid I could be wrong. How rude would it be for me to try to strike up a conversation with a stranger for no specific reason. 

Another reason for not approaching another transgender woman is many don't want to be read as trans and approached. Normally anymore I am in my own little world and would be really surprised if I was ever approached. Also I would have to examine what I was doing wrong with my presentation as a feminine person to blend in with the public. Which is something I didn't always do.'

I am sure when I went to many venues such as grocery stores or big box stores, I was the one who didn't blend in my tight short skirt with heels and hose. I was the one who went to a mall in a tennis outfit I put together. Which did get quite a bit of attention from the old men who were exercising in the mall. It all led to a heightened sense of Trans Dar whenever I saw an overdressed woman in a store where nearly all women dressed very casual.  

Whatever the case, Trans Dar is a difficult topic which does it part to keep our transgender community apart. I go back to the example of the cross dresser I met for the first time the other night. If it wasn't for the dinner, I would have never had the chance to meet her. 

To start with, we transgender tribe members are an exceedingly rare part of society and need all the companionship we can get. Sadly Trans Dar is not the way to do it. 

Count Your Change

Photo by The DK Photography 
on Unsplash 

 I vaguely remember the days when I used cash to purchase my needs. Those were the days I used to accumulate quite a bit of change. On the other hand, my wife was a bookkeeper and kept track of all of our finances. 

About that time was when I started to explore the world as a novice transgender or an experienced cross dresser and needed feminine clothes. Which was easier said than done. First I had to decide where to go for the best deals and better yet to try to figure out which size would fit me and flatter my masculine figure. 

Money was hard to come by as I attempted to put together a feminine wardrobe. Not only did I have to sneak out, I had to slowly accumulate the money to shop without my wife wondering where the cash was going. 

About that time is when I really discovered thrift stores. In the stores, I had the freedom to shop to my heart's content without anyone to bother me. I could also purchase clothes at bargain basement prices which I could experiment with. Fashion attempts could be kept at more of a minimum thanks to thrift store shopping. Also, once I learned what I could wear I could go to a more upscale clothing store and buy a similar fashion item. 

It was about this time when I learned the etiquette of using the changing rooms. Of course at the beginning I was very paranoid about even asking to try clothes on. As time went on, I hitched up my big girl panties and asked for access to the changing rooms. I am happy to say I never received any negative feedback about using the women's changing rooms. Nothing from the clerks I encountered and nothing from other women. I don't know what would happen today with the advent of "Karen's" or self entitled people who take it upon themselves to police others. Plus, today I always have Liz with me to "clear the way" for any potential negative circumstances.

My fashion life has become so much easier now that my male past is behind me and I don't have to worry about maintaining two wardrobes. I have only my full time feminine clothes to worry about. And currently my biggest problem is rediscovering all my fall clothes. Most of which still fit since my size hasn't changed that much. Along with my eyes which I had recently checked. I still have the beginnings of a cataract in one eye which doesn't require surgery yet. So new glasses will soon be my new fashion update. 

Even though I use my bank card for almost everything I buy, I don't have to count my change anymore to buy my clothes. Plus one thing I forgot to mention was on line shopping . Liz is a huge fan but I am not so much. Having to return something because it is the wrong size is such a hassle. I still appreciate going to a store and shopping. 

Time in a Bottle

 

Photo Courtesy Nickolas Horn
on UnSplash

With all due respects to Jim Croce who wrote the song "Time in a Bottle", I decided to title this post by the same name.

The bottle I am referring to is the alcoholic one. I grew up in a home where my Dad used alcohol regularly so it wasn't much of a surprise when I became of age I started to drink alcohol also. Along the way, I developed the habit of being able to hold my liquor well. If my friends and I could somehow get around the age limits to buy it. As with any other potential vices, we found ways to do it. 

By the time I got to college I was well versed in drinking with everyone else. Even if I was still underage due to Ohio's liquor laws. I guess you could say I was ahead of the curve when it came to alcohol.

Then came the military. Of course my time in basic training took me away from any drinking activities as did my time in Thailand. Due to the lack of drinkable beer. But then came the exact opposite when I was sent to Germany who really take pride in their quality beer and wines. Very quickly I acquired a taste for our locally produced beer and a few wines.

Fast forward to what any of this had to do with being transgender. As most of you probably know, alcohol often brings out the best or the worst in a person. People often become braver in many areas of their lives. Ultimately liquor enabled me the courage to first come out as a transvestite to my friends after a Halloween party. Which could have gotten me into any number of problems in the pre "Don't ask-Don't tell" era of the military. Here I was coming out in plain view to a few of my friends and risking a less than honorable discharge. All because of alcoholic infused bravery.

All of this turned out to be just the beginning. I tried to come out to my Mom after a night of drinking and was soundly rejected. But I kept trying. 

When I first started to try out the world as a feminine person, the bottle proved to play a major role in the process. When I gathered the courage to stop for lunch, I would always order a beer to steady my nerves and later give me the courage to try out new and exciting venues. Of course the further I went, the further I wanted to go. 

As I went further and further into the feminine world, I chose large sports venues and small lesbian bars as my favorite places to go. It was very difficult for me to conquer the fear of rejection I was feeling and my use of alcohol helped me. Even though it was only beer I was drinking, I was emboldened to continue. After a period of time, it was difficult for me to separate my desire to become a transgender woman with my desire to drink.

Finally I came to the point I didn't need it. About that time I had a scare concerning my liver so anymore recreational drinking was over. Without hesitation, my time in a bottle was over. Plus, I didn't need to find the courage to live the way I had always dreamed of, as a woman. I had arrived and now my alcoholic consumption is approximately two beers a month.  

From the Gender Ledge

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

In many ways, this is an extension of yesterday's post. Along the way I mentioned and showed a photo of a guy looking over a steep ledge. My comment was I was at the ledge looking over the edge when I was considering moving away from my old cross dressing male life and moving to a full time existence as a transgender woman. 

Naturally, I was terrified of leaving behind a fairly successful life as a man with a good job, friends and family. I had to prepare myself to lose almost everything I had worked so long for. I had reached the magical moment when white males become privileged citizens by default. On the other hand, I was near retirement age so wouldn't have to worry about finding a new job as a transgender woman. On another hand, sadly, almost all of my close friends had passed away and my parents had long since passed on. All of a sudden the ledge didn't look so steep.

Still remaining were the normal everyday hurdles we face in life. I had to consider even the smallest details of life. For example, I would have to go into male dominated spaces as a transgender woman. Another aspect was how would I present myself to the world everyday. No longer would I have to stress compulsively on how I looked. Thanks to hormone replacement therapy, my whole make up routine was shortened to a point when I only needed a light application of eye make up and lipstick if and only if I was going out. I was always fortunate in that my hair grew on it's own to a point where I didn't have to wear wigs.

I won't sit here and try to tell you jumping off the ledge was easy. Often the landing was bumpy and uneven. The only words of wisdom I would have are to try to stay loose and flexible. Always assume new changes are right around the corner. Just when you thought you had everything figured out. Like when I went with Liz to get my ears pierced. She got her smile on when I protested slightly when the pain hit. For all of you considering piercing your ears don't think it is painful because it is not. I am just a huge baby when it comes to any kind of pain. 

I can't say enough how important it was to me to have formed a strong support group around me when I decided to jump off the ledge. I can't thank them enough. I was able to find them by taking the steps to put myself out in the public's eye. On the other hand, all of them were open minded enough to embrace me as a friend and as a transgender woman. They made my gender landing much softer. 

Transgender Evolution

Photo courtesy
Jessie Hart

 I am biased but I continue to view the transgender experience as human evolution. I mean how else where you are forced to cross the binary gender divide to sample how the "other half" lives. Surely it is a difficult journey but at the end of it we all have a chance to build a new/different person. Often from scratch.

We have to go through many of the same issues cis women go through on their journey to become women. Keep in mind, being female does not guarantee you will ever achieve true womanhood. Similar to males becoming men. On our journey to finding our authentic gender selves we are capable of encountering as many toxic females as males. Sadly, we don't often possess the life tools to deal with them. In my own case, I tried my best to stay away from most all males. So I never had the chance to find out if they were toxic or not. It were the females who surprised me.

As life went by it seemed I attracted the attention of far more females than males. For the most part I was accepted into the feminine world without much of a problem. On the other hand, there were plenty of times I was made to jump out of the girls sandbox and regroup. For whatever reason I was rejected, especially in a few lesbian circles. Another example was when Liz and I were minding our own business at a lesbian Valentines party when a stray female forced her way into my world asking what my "real" name was. I don't know what problem she had with me me except she was a huge transphobe looking for trouble. After me basically ignoring her, she finally went away.

Even though I had my share of unpleasant encounters and I was sent home in tears, I knew deep down, it was all a learning experience.  No one ever said life was going to be easy and I found out the hard way how true it was when I made it out of my closet and into the world as a novice transgender woman. Seemingly, destiny was on my side when I had just enough pleasant or positive experiences to keep me moving forward. Such as the night at Fridays restaurant and bar when I made the conscious decision to try to go out and exist as a woman. Not just look like one. A huge mind shift for me as I was considering moving from being a cross dresser to seeing if I could exist in a feminine world. 

Naturally I evolved with my overall skills as I transitioned. Mainly I learned to blend in and communicate with other women successfully. 

Finally I arrived at a point where it didn't make any sense to continue in a male life I was miserable in and I made the final evolution into a full time transgender woman's life. My future wife Liz said it best to me. She pointed out how rare it was for a person to have a second chance at life so do it the best you can.

Between the Transgender Rock and the Hard Place

 

Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash

Sadly, many of us in the transgender community have experienced losing a spouse as we continue our journeys towards living as our authentic selves. 

Equally as sad is the fact for many the trip turns out to be a selfish and solitary experience. In addition, our spouses all too often have front row seats as we slowly slip away. First there are the clothes and the makeup, then comes the occasional trips to test the public's eye and those turn out to be the simplest part. 

In my case I have written often how my second wife (deceased) accepted me being a cross dresser but rejected any ideas of me transitioning into a transgender woman. It led me to sneak out behind her back as much as possible and into huge fights when she caught me. All of the hostility led her once telling me to be man enough to be a woman. 

She unfortunately was gone before I transitioned and I will be forever interested in what she would have thought about the new person I became. I loved her very much and held on to the bitter end. Looking back, had she lived I am sure we could not have survived as a couple. The draw to live a feminine life was just too strong and felt all too natural. I can't imagine her accepting me changing my name for example. 

Having said all of that, I have several transgender women friends who have managed to hold together a marriage through a transition. Slowly and often begrudgingly spouses have decided to stay with their trans mates for any number of reasons, including children. Another subject totally. Some kids just seem to accpet more than others. 

I can't imagine if my spouse decided to transition to being a trans man. Of course I am biased and think there would be no problems but deep down I'm not so sure. Even though on occasion Liz is more masculine than I ever was even when I was trying to hide any toxic masculinity I ever had. 

The whole process certainly puts us all between the rock and the hard place when it comes to our gender transitions. Deep down we know it's something we have to do regardless of the number of years we have put into a marriage. I was at twenty five years and counting when my spouse passed away. We faced problems in the relationship when I was the girly girl of both of us. So much so, she asked me to help with her makeup on special occasions. 

The whole process for me was similar to a slippery slope. The more I did as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. As I was finally syncing up my feminine soul with my exterior and exploring the world, the better I felt...for awhile until the pressure to explore again began to build on me. It was then I began to feel I was between the rock and the hard place. Having someone who love but not as my authentic self. 

The whole process eventually led me to a suicide attempt. The rock and the hard place was a brutal place to be. As I looked over my gender cliff, I didn't know where I would land and how soft the landing would be. New friends made it all a success. 

  

The Weekend

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

 It's Saturday which means college football and tomorrow is pro football day. Sandwiched in between is the paranoia I feel about going to a long put off eye appointment Monday afternoon. It's been since 2016 since I have had an eye check up so I am primarily worried about having the beginning stages of cataracts at my age.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Also my paranoid noggin is suggesting to me I will have some sort of a hassle of getting my female glasses, not male. I didn't have any problems before so I shouldn't  have any problems. As you can probably tell, I am good  at making my own problems up. 

The last two days of the week I virtually visited my two therapists. Both went predictably smooth. I have seen both for years and they know me well. Out of the two, my actual therapist tries to find things I should do and pressure me to do them. None of which have anything to do with me being transgender. The latest example is my CPAP machine. For those of you who don't know, a CPAP machine helps you to have a better nights sleep by basically adjusting your air pressure. By wearing a decidedly unsexy mask. I received one years ago from the Veterans Administration and found out several months ago mine was on a recall list to be replaced by the company. I sent in a replacement request in February and haven't heard anything back yet. However the company said at the time it could take a year to replace. 

So much for the boring things, the wedding still beckons and of course I still haven't figured out exactly what I am going to wear. I have a whole month to decide so why hurry, right? Plus I am not a fan of fancy wedding gowns so the extra expense is out. None of my previous wives (2) bought fancy gowns and did just fine, so I should also. It is nothing to me. Out of all my dreams as a young feminine wannabe, being a bride wasn't one I admired and wanted to do. 

Another major decision I want to make before the October 16th wedding is if I am going to have my long hair trimmed. Liz has volunteered to do it. No pressure! 

Other than that, my my home state of Ohio (typically) is trying to pass a measure to force the state school board to discriminate against LGBTQ students in the state. The local television station here in Cincinnati ran an interview with the legislator pushing the bill. Typically he looked as if he was in the closet of his own but was masking it all with religion. Tragically for transgender youth in the state, it will probably pass. Groups such as Trans Ohio are organizing a protest but sadly we live too far away to attend.