Connecting a Few Dots

 I have written here several times here in Cyrsti's Condo about my possibility of being transgender influenced in my mother's womb by an drug designed to aid at risk Moms deliver healthy babies. It turns out Michelle has researched the idea farther and had this comment: 

 " Just as with Sara Michelle, I too may be a DES baby. I could never find out if my mother was given it but with the research I did into the DES era, it was a strong possibility. Back in the 50's, doctors gave pregnant mothers DES to insure a full term pregnancy happened.

I remember feeling and acting like a little girl back in the early years. I didn't help that the hand me down clothes came from my big sister till I couldn't fit in them any more. I remember during puberty, when I started developing breasts which I was told by our family doctor that it was just a condition that I would grow out of. Guess what didn't happen.
I've included a CDC link to their finding on DES (Diethylstilbestrol).
https://www.cdc.gov/des/consumers/about/index.html I also included a link to the DES Action news site which includes information about DES Sons. https://desaction.org/des-sons/ As you can see the Action site seems to have more info for women but does provide link to other informative sites."

Thanks Michelle for researching this for us all.  And now another old picture of me from a summer past when I was out walking my old dog in a park.

What If?

 This is actually a continuation of the Cyrsti's Condo post on transgender choice and did any of us actually have any. And finally, why did it happen yo us at all. Of course there is no real answer except it becomes clear to trans people we never had any choice and fighting our gender issues was fruitless. The more I fought mine, the more it tried to kill me. Once I tried to cross the line between being a cross dresser in my mind to really trying to see if I could live successfully as a transgender woman, and succeeded, I knew deep down I could never go back. I felt so natural in a feminine existence. Unfortunately I was totally immersed in a macho male life. Naturally, my life was hell before changes came along and I could live full time as a trans woman. 

I spent hours trying to connect the dots concerning the "why me" of my life. Another person who sent in a comment on nearly the same issue was Sara Michelle :

" I also wonder what choice did I have as well, I was born in 1956 to a mother who had several miscarry's. I can't connect the dots either but I suspect from what I have found on the internet that she might have been given DES (diesterstilbastrol) ? not sure on spelling, as I look at it either enough went right/wrong on the final attempt and here I am! And there's that nagging question "what if ?"

Thanks for the comment! I suppose Connie can come up with suitable idea of what to write to describe when life gives you lemons, make sure you make it lemon based makeup!

Old picture from my cross dressing days

 

More Kansas

 The blogging Goddess was seemingly looking down on me when I discovered this post about Kansas's first out transgender woman politician who is about to become the state's first trans legislator. Her name is Stephanie Byers and here is part of her story from the Washington Post:" LGBTQ Victory Fund endorsed candidate Stephanie Byers (below) won her primary for a Kansas state House seat and is on-track to become the first out trans person ever elected to public office in Kansas. Byers was unopposed in the primary and her Democratic-leaning district makes her the favorite to win the general election in November.

Mayor Annise Parker, President & CEO of LGBTQ Victory Fund, released the following statement about Byers’ victory:

“Stephanie has shattered a long-standing political barrier in Kansas and is poised to join a small but growing number of out trans state legislators across the country. At a time when trans people are targeted with hateful policies and legislation by the Trump administration and in so many state legislatures, Stephanie’s race is a powerful reminder of where our country is headed. Stephanie’s victory, like every victory for a trans candidate, will inspire more trans leaders to run for office in their communities and that will be transformative.”

What Choice?

Every so often, I will happen upon a post when someone else thinks transgender women or trans men actually had a choice in the unique direction our lives have taken us. 

I wondered yesterday where my choices were as I waited for a mammogram. Over the years too. I wondered how I ever chose an existence which led to ridicule and rejection. After tons of introspection, I finally came to conclusion none of this was my fault, somehow I was born into being transgender. Then, as I researched further, I found our trans tribe has been around since the ancient  times and actually was looked up as being special by many native civilizations.  

Personally,  I happened upon a study of a hormonal therapy for at risk expectant mothers prescribed in the late 1940's and early 1950's. There was some sort of an idea the extra estrogen the medication put in the womb could have resulted in transgender babies. The reason I cared at all is I was born in 1949 and my Mom was an extremely high risk Mother. It all never really mattered though because she passed away and I could never connect the dots anyway.

If I had a choice at all, it would be to have back all the years and time I wasted hiding, scheming, lying and running from myself. If I had a choice I would take back all the passive and active suicide attempts I tried. 

It would have been interesting which direction my life would have taken...if I had a choice.   

Not in Kansas Anymore!

 With all apologies to all of you who actually may live in Kansas, this post concerns a few of my thoughts during my annual mammogram yesterday. It's not as if I didn't know what to expect since this was my fifth go around with a mammogram. Depending on the person giving the test, the whole process is normally a fairly quick process with minimal discomfort. 

Yesterday, as I was sitting and waiting barely covered from the waste up with a flimsy hospital gown, I had a chance to think how far I have been afforded the chance to come. Thanks to my hormone replacement therapy, my breasts have become nearly the size of the silicone breast forms I used to keep hidden in a drawer at home. For some reason, I thought of Dorothy's immortal comment from the "Wizard of Oz" movie...I was not in Kansas anymore. 

Fortunately, I didn't have too much time to think about classic movies as it was time to do my contortions with an big white machine which looked like something out of Star Wars. It whirred and clicked approximately four times to four different poses and I was done and on my way.

Equally as amazing, was the fact early this morning, I received an email from my hospital account telling me everything was fine. I am especially sensitive to the news since my grandmother passed away from breast cancer.

On the positive side too, the two booster shots I was scheduled for at the VA Monday finally have stopped bothering me. Now, I am done for awhile with all my invasive appointments.  Thank goodness!

Pin Cushion

Yesterday was another medical travel day to see my "Primary Provider' at the Veterans's Administration. I was scheduled to see her in person a couple hours after I had an on line appointment with my therapist. Too bad the appointments weren't reversed since I always have to answer questions on my moods because I am bi-polar. During my second appointment I went ahead and caught up on all the shots I needed (shingles etc.) I was a big baby and they hurt! I.m always asked if I thought about harming anyone. Maybe a little bit in this case :). At least, after the mammogram is done Wednesday this week, all my painful medical appointments will be done for awhile. Between my blood labs last week and the phlebotomy, when they took a pint of blood to control my iron, I have very much felt like a pincushion. On the bright side though, most of my tests have come back very positive. 

On a different note, Connie commented again on our transgender - cross dresser "Role Model" post. She added Monty Python and the Kids in the Hall to the list.  Who could forget Dave Foley as a hooker? Evidently I did! Thanks Connie.

 

Role Models

Recently, I wrote a short post here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning a few of my influences growing up transgender. Since that time, both Michelle and Connie have commented. Coincidentally. both mentioned Flip Wilson's cross dressing Geraldine, who I missed most of since the television show was on when I was serving in the Army. 

As I wrote, my list was short and Connie added to it here:

" I had no transgender role models, growing up. Even in adulthood, I looked to cis women for my inspiration - if not aspiration. Cross dressing as a means for comedic entertainment may have interested me, but I usually found it to be disappointingly not funny. Flip Wilson's Geraldine might be the only exception. Movies such as "Some Like it Hot," "Tootsie," and "Mrs. Doubtfire" were about men who cross dressed for the purpose of deception, as was the TV show "Bosom Buddies." I always thought that it was ridiculous that any of those characters were actually fooling all of the people around them, and, although I had a deep desire to be able to pass for many years, I did not want to pass with any ulterior motive; I wanted only to be seen as the woman I felt myself to be.

I remember so well the first time I saw a cross dresser in real life. I was fifteen, and had been expressing my femininity in private for about four years. I was waiting at a busy crosswalk in downtown Portland, and I was curious of the well-dressed young woman standing in front of me. I was asking myself, "Is she or isn't she?" until the light changed and she walked on ahead of me. It was then that I noticed her matted leg hair beneath nylon stockings. To me, that was a total gross out. It was internalized transphobia decades before the term ever existed.
*The side story here is that I was downtown that day with a band mate, who was purchasing a wig to wear on stage when we performed (no long hair was allowed for boys in our high school in those days). The whole time I was in the wig shop, I was trying to figure out how I could use the excuse to get my own wig, too. I was looking at the feminine styles, though. Anyway, I commandeered his wig about a year later, and I fashioned it to fit my own style. At least I no longer had to "borrow" my mother's wig.

I was vaguely aware of Christine Jorgensen in my youth. I was too young when she initially made headlines, and then had moved into a deep suppression before she began making the circuit as an entertainer. I had admiration for what she did, but I had no desire to become a novelty act. I can only imagine how she might have cried herself to sleep, having been forced to make a living by conducting what many must have thought to be a freak show. As a musician and singer, myself, I could see how it might have been a way to make lemonade from a lemon, but one has to find the sugar with which to sweeten it.

Remember the Maury Povich episodes of "He or She," in which he had about a dozen people on stage, half of whom where cis and the other half some iteration from beneath the trans umbrella? Whether they were female impersonators, drag queens, cross dressers, or transitioned trans women, they all looked good enough to compete with the cis women on the stage. I used to record those shows on a VCR that I had hidden in a closet and had rigged up so as not to be discovered (the hidden cable wire is still there to this day). I was always so turned off by the concept of the show, but I would study it, when alone, just to see how I might accomplish what they had.

Throughout most of my life, I think that I can sum up my exposure to media influence by borrowing the Bugs Bunny line, "What's up, Doc?" It always left me with more questions of myself than answers. As far as cartoon characters go, I relate more to Betty Boop.......or maybe Jessica Rabbit. :-)"

Thanks for the help!

Rain Valdez

From Wikipedia :" Rain Valdez  is a transgender  American actress, writer, and producer who rose to prominence with her award-winning short film, Ryans. She stars in the web series Razor Tongue, which she created and which has earned her a Primetime Emmy nomination in Outstanding Actress in a Short Form Comedy or Drama Series.'

Weekend

It's amazing under the quarantine for Covid 19 how fast the weeks come and go. It seems like yesterday when I was enjoying a frosty blended Margarita on the patio of our favorite restaurant. When it was last Saturday. Now it seems, the only trips outside the house I have are my walks in the morning and the occasional medical visit. Which are even rarer since I even see my therapist now on a VA televisit set up. 

Next week, I have a virtual therapist appointment and the pre mentioned Mammogram to go to. In the meantime, I am still awaiting word on how my hormone tests went from my Endocrinologist. For some reason, in the past, the results have not been recorded on a VA on line site which contains all my personal records. 

Just in case, I called the Endo doc's nurse and told her I went to have the prescribed blood labs done and (by the way) I have been thrilled with the results so far. Even my partner Liz has commented she has noticed the changes going on. 

I wonder when the virus finally moves on, I will look back on this period of quarantine on the Cyrsti's Condo blog and wonder just how this transgender woman found things to write about. 

Since my Mtf gender transition has taken me past the predominant makeup and clothes topics, it has been tough.