Every so often, I will happen upon a post when someone else thinks transgender women or trans men actually had a choice in the unique direction our lives have taken us.
I wondered yesterday where my choices were as I waited for a mammogram. Over the years too. I wondered how I ever chose an existence which led to ridicule and rejection. After tons of introspection, I finally came to conclusion none of this was my fault, somehow I was born into being transgender. Then, as I researched further, I found our trans tribe has been around since the ancient times and actually was looked up as being special by many native civilizations.
Personally, I happened upon a study of a hormonal therapy for at risk expectant mothers prescribed in the late 1940's and early 1950's. There was some sort of an idea the extra estrogen the medication put in the womb could have resulted in transgender babies. The reason I cared at all is I was born in 1949 and my Mom was an extremely high risk Mother. It all never really mattered though because she passed away and I could never connect the dots anyway.
If I had a choice at all, it would be to have back all the years and time I wasted hiding, scheming, lying and running from myself. If I had a choice I would take back all the passive and active suicide attempts I tried.
It would have been interesting which direction my life would have taken...if I had a choice.
I also wonder what choice did I have as well, I was born in 1956 to a mother who had several miscarry's. I can't connect the dots either but I suspect from what I have found on the internet that she might have been given DES (diesterstilbastrol) ? not sure on spelling, as I look at it either enough went right/wrong on the final attempt and here I am! And there's that nagging question "what if ?"ReplyDelete