Sunday, August 9, 2020

What If?

 This is actually a continuation of the Cyrsti's Condo post on transgender choice and did any of us actually have any. And finally, why did it happen yo us at all. Of course there is no real answer except it becomes clear to trans people we never had any choice and fighting our gender issues was fruitless. The more I fought mine, the more it tried to kill me. Once I tried to cross the line between being a cross dresser in my mind to really trying to see if I could live successfully as a transgender woman, and succeeded, I knew deep down I could never go back. I felt so natural in a feminine existence. Unfortunately I was totally immersed in a macho male life. Naturally, my life was hell before changes came along and I could live full time as a trans woman. 

I spent hours trying to connect the dots concerning the "why me" of my life. Another person who sent in a comment on nearly the same issue was Sara Michelle :

I also wonder what choice did I have as well, I was born in 1956 to a mother who had several miscarry's. I can't connect the dots either but I suspect from what I have found on the internet that she might have been given DES (diesterstilbastrol) ? not sure on spelling, as I look at it either enough went right/wrong on the final attempt and here I am! And there's that nagging question "what if ?"

Thanks for the comment! I suppose Connie can come up with suitable idea of what to write to describe when life gives you lemons, make sure you make it lemon based makeup!

Old picture from my cross dressing days



  1. Just as with Sara Michelle, I too may be a DES baby. I could never find out if my mother was given it but with the research I did into the DES era, it was a strong possibility. Back in the 50's, doctors gave pregnant mothers DES to insure a full term pregnancy happened.
    I remember feeling and acting like a little girl back in the early years. I didn't help that the hand me down clothes came from my big sister till I couldn't fit in them any more. I remember during puberty, when I started developing breasts which I was told by our family doctor that it was just a condition that I would grow out of. Guess what didn't happen.
    I've included a CDC link to their finding on DES (Diethylstilbestrol). I also included a link to the DES Action news site which includes information about DES Sons. As you can see the Action site seems to have more info for women but does provide link to other informative sites.

  2. When life gives you lemons, and you want to make lemonade, first you must squeeze the juice into troubled water. Many of us get that far in the process, but then just find ourselves living a rather sour and troubled existence for far too long. It's the sweetness, which we find within ourselves, that must be added to the mix, in order for it to be palatable - if not refreshing.

    When I learned of DES, I considered it as a possibility of an answer to my gender identity issues only briefly. By then, I had already decided that knowing the "why" of it wasn't going to change anything. I could give a bunch more reasons for how my mother might have been the cause of problems in my life, but DES would not have been her fault, anyway. The last words she uttered, before she died in hospice twelve years ago, were, "It's nobody's fault." Although she wasn't clear as to a particular thing, I have to believe that it was, at least, partly in reference to my gender identity. As sure as I am that it was her way of asking for forgiveness, it was also an expression of forgiveness for everyone else - including my feminine-self.

    I could argue that there is nothing to forgive for my gender identity. There is an awful amount to forgive for how I manipulated things and others in dealing with it, however. I've often heard of the "sweetness of revenge," but that sweetness quickly gives way to bitterness. Forgiveness is the only way toward lasting sweetness in life. Put that in your lemonade and drink it!