It's October and Time for Halloween

What are your goals? To pass for friend and foe? To dress up for work? Just to slut it up and party? All of the above?

If you and new to all of this cross dressing, perhaps you have spent a ton of time thinking about those questions already. If not, here are a few hard fought lessons I learned, mostly at the expense of my feet.

Way "back in the day" during my first real Halloween in drag, essentially I learned three things. Mainly, those three or four inch heels I picked out were simply not built for any sort of comfort (for me) and very quickly I was in agony. I also learned the demarcation point in doing a "ha-ha" drag impersonation and being way more serious is shaving your legs. I did shave mine and heard about it for weeks from my cis woman friends. And finally, getting the compliment "you have great legs" does not mean you are one of the rare few men who are naturals at making the external transformation into women. You may have the great legs as many men actually do, but it's what above them that often counts with your broad shoulders.

Regardless of all the warnings, I found Halloween to be a great time to get out and "strut my stuff" at the time in my life I couldn't. Plus I could live vicariously through a couple very effeminate servers on my staff at a couple restaurants I ran. One in particular was cross dressed by his girl friend and looked so convincing, many of my regulars asked when the new female server started. I was more than a tad envious as I was dressed in my old Army uniform.

On the other hand, Halloween was similar to a huge wad of cotton candy to me. After the evening was over, I couldn't figure out how I was going to make it another year until another "fix." How I began to get around all of that is a story for another blog post but essentially marked the point when I began to test my feminine presence in the world.

Over the remainder of October I'm going to try to pass along a few of my Halloween stories. Some scary, some fun and some flat out exciting.

It's All in the Awareness?

Both my "muse" and my daughter commented on my last post, being "guarded" more as my transgender self than at any other time in my life.

Ironically both came up with similar points called awareness. I don't think it is too much of an over statement to say women need to be more aware of more things in their lives than men. I have always said women lead a more layered existence than men anyhow and when you look at a guys' power structure, it's more obvious. A man can lead with his muscle, looks, athleticism and maybe sometimes even his brain and that's it.

Women of course have much more including families, kids and yes, men themselves -trying to beat them up in record numbers. As soon as I was on HRT for any length of time, somehow the world softened for me and my senses heightened. But...

It took me several instances of being in the wrong place at the wrong time to learn being threatened as a woman was no laughing matter.

So awareness indeed is a better word and never one to use just with men. I learned the hard way when certain women would come after me with their claws hidden, sharp and headed for my back.

As I always mention, if you are testing the public waters as a transgender woman for the first time, watch for the dark alleys. Literally and figuratively!

Guarded? or Guarding?

She's "baaaaack!" from the trip to Maine and yes it was beautiful. I now refer to myself as a "Lobstah-Snobsta."

On the trip of course I ran into all kind of peeps in the group who accepted me for who I am, or quite frankly didn't. They got over it. We did meet a woman who was traveling alone whom we became close to and along the way I committed my number one sin-I outed myself to her.

My excuse is once I start adding in my two cents (or more) to a conversation about my previous life, it's tough to separate the gender aspect of it. As I was spending so much time and energy being macho. As a point of reference, she didn't seem to care much but was more surprised and had no idea. (I was flattered.)

All of this carried indirectly into a conversation with a dear friend I call my "muse" Sunday night. She asked several of us what the one word we would use to describe ourselves would be. I thought for a moment and said "guarded."

For some reason I never got back in the conversation enough to say I'm not guarded with her. With the general public though I am. I let them make the first move towards acceptance, or not and go from there.

I suppose it comes from years of early rejection before the public has become more aware of the transgender community. Aware we won't bite and have had our shots for the most part. Plus there is the minority of peeps who flat out find us interesting.

So, I just haven't gotten to the point of merging two distinct lifestyles to let my guard down totally and perhaps I never will.

Thanks though, to all who have encouraged me to do it. It means more than I can ever say!

You "Make" A Better Looking Woman?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

You make a better looking woman!

You've probably heard the comment.
Unless you are like the recent "Tyra Show"guests. I'm referring to the 7 and 8 year old transgender kids who are living in their preferred gender. You've likely agonized over the duality within you. .When I played defensive end, I wanted to be the cheerleader...you know the story.
My experimentation with the opposite gender didn't really start until I was about 12. The magic elixir of seeing a girl in the mirror was powerful.  I've often wondered if some chemical endorphin in my brain is the catalyst for the creature I am today.
And what about the comments that I made a" better looking woman than man"?  (Halloween party gossip) Comments such as those used to destroy me! How could I even consider stopping this shameful "hobby"? Where was my "get out of jail free" card to end this madness?
Obviously, I didn't stop. In my mind there is nothing more powerful than a beautiful woman so I listened to the comments and obsessed to get better.  Better I did become.

The world knew me as one gender or the other and for the most part I went out of my way to create two existences.  Chance encounters with people who knew the male side of me never produced any recognition. Life was balanced.
Until New Years day this year.

Symbolically, I started the year and decade as Cyrsti for the first time ever. Checked into the hotel as a girl, went to the clubs with friends and left the next morning in girl clothes. On the way home, I changed into my favorite teams jersey (filled it out a little different!) and stopped and watched the first of the bowl  games.
On the way home, I was totally into girl mode when impulsively I stopped at my regular grocery store to pick up a couple things. On New Years Day I figured none of the regular cashiers would be working.  If they were, they wouldn't know me anyhow.  Wrong, wrong and WRONG! Both of the regular cashiers were working.
Of course one of them picked me out of the crowd immediately. I knew it and she knew it...she thought. I bought my groceries and took off.

I went back the next day to see if I was right.  It took her about ten seconds to start asking questions since I was alone in line.
She said "I know how you will answer" but "do you have an alter ego" or did I lose a bet.
I was naturally evasive as I considered "outing" myself and just said I was at my brothers watching football.
I did not out myself to her so she got bored and  wrapped it all up with "Who ever it was was very attractive and really looked like you".
Nearly three days later I ended up in the other cashier's line. Following a similar Q & A, she just said "if you ever had to go that way, you would have no problems, she was beautiful."
Not my ideal way to go fishing for compliments.

Fortunately, my gender balance wasn't too difficult to restore.  Many around me know of my duality and I don't care.
I did spend some time considering the old questions about how challenging it is to live life this way.
But you know I wouldn't miss another shot of that "magical elixir." Life would be soooo much more boring!

Full Moon (Archive Post)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Night under the Full Moon!

In my youth, my family and I fished a lot. The waiting game was never one of my strong points but adjust I did.
Some believed if you fished on a full moon , you caught more fish.
To para phrase Alan Jackson's "It's Five O Clock Somewhere" tune, I was sitting under someone's full moon this weekend. (we were not under one) None the less, I caught a lot of fun.

Normally I try to stay out of the way. I hate to stay home, so I go out to be alone or socialize with a couple friends. Regardless, I've always considered my evenings out a fishing trip. Wait and see what happens.

Friday night I made my way into a real quiet little gay bar. I frequent it because it is small and quiet. About half way through my first beer a couple came in and sat a couple seats down at the bar. Very quickly they both were sizing me up and as close as I could tell, he was gay and she was his sister. Then the fun started.
The girl (a real one) was his friend and liberally intoxicated. She was a hairdresser/make up person by trade. Her credits included some stops in New York, San Fran and others. She was home and rowdy and soon setting next to me.

I was flattered that at first she thought I was "real". Then she told me " why would a single girl be hanging out in a gay bar." We exchanged names and drinks and it was time for the girl to girl smoke break  on the patio (Ohio is a non smoking state). She filled me in on her past and even offered to critique my "look".
Wow!

I loved it. Most of my make up passed except my lips (too much lipstick) and I got some great tips on my eyes.
Better yet, I got an  an offer to go with them to their next stop, a bigger club with a drag show. It's a club not known for it's support of the transgendered community.  In fact I really boycott the place except when I get an invitation like that night. (Yeah, I sold out)
The clientele is probably 95% gay male who don't have any reason to accept "girls" like me. I don't need acceptance but I don't need passive aggressive either.
Didn't matter, I had my engraved invitation. Walking in  with her and friend made a remarkable difference. He was as friendly to me as her so I had plenty of attention. Even from the performers who thought I used to perform with them. Wow.
All good things must come to an end however and I hung around for awhile when she got really wild. I headed out for a calmer finish to my evening.
What a great experience it was to get some real beauty hints and of course the great interaction!
Maybe some day I'll see her doing makeup or hair on a reality show!
I need the "full moons"  if my life is to be as exciting as some perceive it to be! If it was, I wouldn't be able to walk or talk. I would be exhausted. After all, we know our lifestyles on both gender coasts are SO exciting and decadent! Ha!
If I don't notice you on the sidewalk, I'm just on the outlook for a "full moon" Sorry!

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A Life in Gender Flux

She "Popped" the Question

Sunday, June 6, 2010

She "popped" the question!

Not THAT one!
When I begin to think I feel comfortable in this  life I lead, reality always pays a calling card.
For years, conversations have progressed rapidly into "are you?" or "how long" or even "why?".

Last week, it all changed.I was sitting in my regular hang out when a woman slides in beside me.  This is not too uncommon because both of us were single girls at the bar.  The remainder of the 25+ seats were guys or couples.
She probably was seeking safety in numbers (our 2).

In a very short period of time she started a "small talk" conversation.  During this conversation we were approached by a serviceman just back from Afghanistan attempting to buy us a drink. Very flattering since both of us are on the long side of 40 and he was probably in his mid 20's. Yes, the "cougar conversation" was fun!  Instead of letting her solo the conversation, I just jumped right in too and offered to by HIM the drink. Seemed proper, since he was serving in the military. I was amazed how natural I felt.

Suddenly I was playing the game to win, just not to lose. Being two single girls at the bar was fun!
Well, I was on my own personal "cloud nine".  Here I was talking "girl talk" and getting free drink offers from younger guys. I also knew he didn't know because he offered a handshake when I offered him a drink.  The shake was the lite "guy to girl' hand rub.

The interaction  soon led to a lengthy conversation about the men she was attracted to.During all of this, if she had any questions about my gender she didn't let on in the least . Typically, most women don't care and find me to be a curiosity, but you know "we know your little secret!" I'm not complaining.
Soon  she asked me what kind of guys I was attracted to. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I  had really never considered guys an attraction.  Not at all until  last year. (if you've read my other blogs)
The question positively confused me.  I mumbled some weak explanation and excused myself to the Ladies Room. One of the ultimate female moves. Run, hide and collect yourself and return.

Played with my hair, touched up the makeup and came up with my ideal guy! A humorous bigger guy who likes sports, food and music.  No "stay at home" types. Let's get out and live life.
Of course I managed to work bits and pieces of all of this epiphany (love that word!) back into our conversation.
Before we parted, I found we shared some common social places in the area.  I'm sure we will meet again and this time I'll accept that free drink!

Biker Girl (Archive Post)

Monday, May 31, 2010

Biker girl?

I have been frequenting a couple of the casual chain bar/restaurants in the area for over ten years. On my first visit, I was so scared I took a seat next to a supporting post around the bar and tried to blend with it! Nothing in my closet that screamed Oak, so that didn't work.

I lived that night and found out the world wasn't trying to destroy me and continued to return. In fact, a couple of the bartenders that have waited on me since the beginning are still there!

I also became pretty good "buds" (no not the beer) with the crew of the companies' other unit. I ended up one night sitting next to one of the bartender's sister. I had heard stories about the exotic "stripper sis" and wasn't sorry! She was exotic with some well placed tats. Her other job was as a hairdresser and she proceeded to tell me how much she loved crossdressers and gave me some tips on my appearance. She even went as far as inviting me to sister #3's bachelorette party. (another story)
Her husband was always with her. He was a big guy with a classic Triumph bike and the look to go with it. He ran a lumber yard. What a threesome!
The only problem was she loved to trade shots and the extra Jaeger and Tequila was hard to survive!

About three months later, she broke up with her husband. I guess exotic strippers have a hard time with monogamy? One night after the breakup, he came in with about three other friends that I knew..
Regardless of his decision making process with women, the poor guy was heartbroken. I tried to lend some support the best I could and away I went.
A week later, he was in the bar again and came over to sit next to me. Much to my (and the bartender's amazement) he was really interested in talking about things like his bike and music. He was leaning into me ever so slightly and added some light touches. He had to be at work early the next morning, gave me his cell number and left. He never asked for mine.

One of the bigger mistakes I've made is that I never called him. Only saw him once after that and he moved away.

At that point in my life my profile would have read "no men" After my brief encounter with him, I changed that profile. Ever so briefly I connected with a person who shared many of the same interests with me. Ever so quickly, I never tried to see the gentle bear of a guy again.
All of a sudden spending time with a guy wasn't such a bad thought.
I often wondered what that ride on the back of his Triumph would have been like!

Disclaimer

As you all read the next four posts or so, please remember I won't be available for comments for a week and these posts were all from 2010 and a lot can change, and does!!!!

Thanks :)
Jessie

Spiritual Fall?

Even though we are expecting high's near 90 today here in Ohio, we observed the "Autumnal Equinox yesterday. It's like Momma Summer is saying "It ain't over, until it's over kids!"

This morning though, the "animal kingdom" around me is stepping up it's preparations for seasonal changes. As I was just writing, a squirrel nearly ran over my foot retrieving a well hidden walnut as a crow made it's loud presence known over head.  All of this under a half moon still visible in a crystal clear blue morning sky.

I could go on but then I am reminded why I am supposed to be writing this blog to begin with, everything transgender.

Possibly, the effect of HRT has made me more in tune with the world around me. I have always thought the world became more "layered" with colors, temperature etc than when I lived as a guy.

Next week, I am going to present some of the earliest blog posts I did here and maybe you can see too the changes I have gone through. Like most everyone else, I was very much into the clothing "passing" aspect of exploring if I wanted to make the jump from cross dresser to transgender.

In the meantime, I am going to resume packing for the trip!

Can't wait :)