The Peaks and Valleys

 Being Bi-Polar myself, I have become used to the ups and downs of my mood reactions to life. Quite possibly, before I was diagnosed with my own version of being "Bi" I did my share of hiding behind a dress to take my mind off the daily stresses of life. 

Of course, I could argue the simplest stresses came from trying my best to live up to male standards as I lived my life. 

The older I got and after I was honorably discharged from the Army, the worse my mental issues became. On occasion it was a struggle to just to get out of bed on certain days. Along the way, I finally resorted to therapy. The first guy I went to was a total waste of time as he didn't seem to want to discuss my fondness for cross dressing at all. I solved the problem by going to one of the very few therapists in Ohio at the time who had any knowledge at all of cross dressers as this was way before the transgender idea was even discussed. 

Ironically, it was her who diagnosed me being bi-polar and was able to separate it from my gender dysphoria. She was blunt (and truthful) when she said my desire to be a girl would never go away. For the first time in my life I felt a glimmer of hope. 

Even still, it was difficult for me to separate my two main issues and continue to live a reasonably successful life as a cross dresser. Meaning I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Years later when I needed to take advantage of the Veterans Administration health care, I was paranoid if I would find a therapist who would understand my complex problem. Fortunately I did and amazingly nearly ten years later she still is my VA therapist.

She was the "gold standard" for me as she signed off on helping me begin my hormone replacement therapy all the way to providing me documentation to facilitate changing my legal gender markers in the civilian world plus within the VA itself.  I consider her as one of my top three people who assisted in my early Mtf gender transition. 

These days, while I still have the occasional valleys in my life to climb out of, my medications keep my moods relatively stable and I am able to understand when  gender dysphoria  enters my life. More so than my Bi-Polar condition. 

Most importantly, I have done away with my self harm issues. It took a while to separate all of this out but thanks to a ton of help I have learned to live the peaks and valleys.

Truth

 This quote from an unknown person definitely could have come from a transgender person:

"Your perception of me, is a reflection of you. My reaction to you is an awareness of me.”

I found it on a blog called "Pointless Overthinking"

Why?

 It occurred to me recently, after my posts on going to the dentist, just what did all of that really have to do with a blog supposedly dedicated to a transgender lifestyle. 

Then I thought perhaps I was approaching it all wrong. Here is one example.  As bad as the anticipated discomfort and suffering associated with a long put off dental appointment was, the bigger fear came when I thought of the amount of gender confusion I had absorbed in the past. Would I have have to put up with being mis-gendered?

Because, as many transgender women and men know, a visit to a medical facility can bring on embarrassing mis-gendering situations. Even to the point of your "dead name" being screamed out in a crowded waiting room. 

Many times too,  transgender people are forced to educate their medical care givers who have never encountered another trans person.  All the way to being refused treatment altogether. 

Depending upon where you live, the situation is getting somewhat better, even in Ohio a few major hospitals and other organizations are stepping up their game as they offer and interact with transgender individuals. 

Plus, even webinars are popping up here and there focusing on LGBT elderly adults. In fact, I am attending one in May. 

Now if I could go back and erase all my unpleasant medical experiences from my past, I would experience less anticipatory problems. 

Retribution

 Well, yesterday turned out to be quite the day. My first trip to the dentist came and went, along with a trip to the phone store to replace my cell phone which did not survive a toilet swim. Outside of the obvious necessities, the day seemed like a "re-coming " out day for my fulltime transgender feminine self.

The dentist was first. As I mentioned before, the information form I filled out only had room for three genders...male, female and "unspecified." I chose the unspecified box and prepared myself for an appointment full of gender confusion. After all, this was one of a very few times in the past year I had spent any significant time without a mask. As bad as my teeth were, I didn't want to show them off which was impossible in a dentist's office. 

It turned out I didn't have to worry when I heard the woman who checked me in respond to the hygienist who was working on me as "she." My heart soared as my mouth hurt. 

To make a long story short, as I suspected, my top teeth (or what was left of them) were shot and my bottom teeth were in good shape. So, I was a candidate for top dentures. Subtitled,  goodbye stimulus checks. Finally, I will have my smile back.

After heading back home to pick Liz up, we went to the phone store. The young clerk who waited on us had no problem with calling me she and her. After another hit to my bank account, I walked out with a new phone. 

The whole day was wonderful in that it recharged my gender batteries. For once I didn't feel any inner imposter guilt when I was called "she" or "her." I felt it was my retribution for all the years of transgender struggle and gender dysphoria I went through to arrive where I am. 

One thing the pandemic taught me was how much I needed the public gender feedback I received to survive. I know who I am every morning when I wake up but sometimes it takes a little reinforcement from the public to let me know the real me. 

Truth