The Second Half

 

Image from Nik
on UnSplash

Relax, this is not another sports post...As I approached the age of sixty, my gender feeling of something not being right grew ever stronger. 

I knew then, if I didn't immediately make a move to correct my issues, I never would. Even though I was in a fairly comfortable position to keep living as a man, there was still time to get out while I still could. It would mean the possibility of sacrificing the remaining family, friends and job security. I had to do it and I still needed to move forward into a life as a transgender woman.

Once I decided to begin hormone replacement therapy and my external appearance began to change fairly quickly to an androgynous looking person there could be no turning back. The whole process took me by surprise when it happened so fast. I adjusted to the progress and moved on. I found living fulltime was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. When I threw out all my male clothes and was responsible for dressing feminine every day, the whole process changed dramatically. I needed to be able to plan long term for my appearance and not just rely on short term bursts of wardrobe creativity to get me by. Like it or not, looking at myself in the mirror every morning when I got up became a gender dysphoric process. Some days I thought I looked feminine and others I looked terrible. The same old guy.

It turned out too I had several other main issues. One of which was I going to consider any major or minor surgeries. I decided no to all because I felt I could barely present well enough to get by and I didn't need any painful major gender surgery to allow me to feel any better as a transgender woman. Plus, at my age any major surgeries such as gender realignment surgery could be a health risk to recover from. My motto became "don't pay anyone to hurt me." So I stuck with my HRT and hoped for the best and for me it worked and I didn't have the money anyhow.

The second major issue I needed to face rather quickly was how was I going to explore my sexuality once I transitioned into a transgender woman. During my life as a man, being with another man never appealed to me so would it change now? Even though I dated and kissed several men following my gender transition, I found nothing had really changed.  Being with a man most certainly validated myself as a woman in public but it didn't lead to much else. I did interact with a couple men I thought I could be friends with too but it turned out my sexuality in the future would firmly remain with women.

I became entrenched with a very kind and giving small group of cis women who I was able to learn so much from about being a woman in todays' society. When I did, my sexuality never did have to change from what I had felt my entire life. 

Other issues were more mundane yet still very important. I wasn't independently wealthy so I needed to figure out how I was going to live and support myself. I was fortunate when I grew close to early Social Security retirement age. I took it and supplemented my income by selling vintage collectables my second wife and I had collected. I remember vividly my last day at a job I disliked as I walked across the parking lot into a new world. A world where I was free enough to re-create myself as a brand new person. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that new person had been there all along just waiting for her chance to emerge. She was good people which made interacting with the outside world much easier. I found very few people are ever given a second chance at life so I needed to make the most of it. 

I did and found myself moving and marrying my current wife Liz following her finding me on line over eleven years ago now. I would have never dreamed the second half of my life would take me this far.     

Set Back to Come Back

Tom on Left with the Author
at a Witches Ball. From the 
Jessie Hart Archive

I have always rooted mainly for the underdog in most things I follow. Especially in sports. Nothing is as thrilling to me as seeing an underdog come back and win. Unless it is against one of my teams.

Lately, as we approach and go by the Fourth of July, there are no more visible underdogs these days as the transgender population. We are easy pickings or low hanging fruit for many politicians who have chosen not to know us at all. Then seek to gain votes by using lies against us. We are even still the weakest link in the LGBTQA+ field because of many reasons.  Primarily because we do not have the economic clout of the gay community. 

However, I didn't want to write a political post today, because you regulars (thank you) know where I stand on the subject of a certain political party which peddles hate of all kinds rather than offer any constructive legislation. Here in Ohio, where I live, they are even leading the charge to change any amendments to the state constitution away from a simple majority just ahead of a vote on abortion this fall. Needless to say, I will be voting no on the issue (one )to keep changes as a simple majority.  

Other than our rights taken away from us, I have other reasons to have rooted for the underdog in my life. The biggest one for me was facing up to the fact I was transgender at all. I took many years of gender experimentation to realize I was deep down a woman all the time just trying to act like a man. It finally took my wife Liz years ago to kick me over the cliff for the final time. I discarded all my male clothes, began hormone replacement therapy and never looked back on my old unwanted male lifestyle. Little did I know ten years ago, the amount of potential hate I could be facing today. Like it or not, I need to beware of my surroundings more than any other woman.

During the period of my life when I was making many mistakes with my presentation it made it more difficult for me to navigate the world as my authentic self or transgender woman. As I said, I still needed to make the final determination I was trans to begin with and what did it mean to me. I was fortunate enough to be just stubborn enough to keep trying when I was rejected as a transgender woman. Plus I found friends who helped me along. They helped me to come back strong when I was set back. Being the underdog they were rooting for, I needed to make sure I was worthy of their attention by doing my best to become a quality person. During that time, I became quite the gender "observer."

These days, as I have written,  I am trying to do more in the transgender community as far as out reach goes. In fact, in addition to the Alzheimer's committee I am going to serve on which spot lights diversity, I signed up for another Veteran's Administration group yesterday which will spotlight VA trans veteran care. My goals for participating in both are if I can help anyone who comes after me, it will be worth it. I don't want them to suffer the setbacks I did.

My setbacks were many and varied and can be turned into comebacks if I can help others in any way from my experiences. I just hope I can.  

 

The Wasted Years?

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

 Many times when I am asked what my biggest regret in life is, my quick answer is I didn't transition quicker to my authentic feminine self.

However, after taking a deeper dive on the subject, sometimes I have to come up with a bit of a different answer. Most assuredly I miss not being able to have experienced all the facets of life a younger woman goes through but then I needed to realize not all early life feminine experiences were good, as hopefully she made her way to being a woman. Not every female can claim womanhood as it comes through a socialization process.

Also, saying I wasted nearly fifty years of my life living as a man would be wrong to say. I did have good times as well as experiences I am intensely proud of. Plus I think several of the experiences made me a better transgender woman when I transitioned. For example, even though the process had its ups and downs, there is no way I would have traded the experience I had when I served three years in the military. Or how could I ever give up the years when my only daughter was born and grew up. Obviously too, my second wife and I could not have made it twenty five years together if there were not some good times mixed in.

I guess you can say I became a survivor of all my male years. As I was surviving, it's important to note I was experimenting the entire time being feminine. I studied how the cis-women around me carried themselves and reacted to the public situations the best I could. And, although I could have never gone as far as I wanted to with my experimentations, the thoughts were always there in the back of my mind. Finally I made it to a point where I could develop a plan to see if I could in reality follow my dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Every time I was successful trying one adventure, I was able to move on to another. I learned one way or another I wasn't the only novice transvestite or cross dresser in the world as I began to successfully navigate clothing stores and malls where I lived. When I became bored, I started to go to more challenging venues such as restaurants and test the environments there to see if I would be accepted  When that worked I began to work on my overall communication skills and again concentrated on improving my presentation which was an ongoing process.

So, in reality, I wasn't wasting any time as I attempted to live a life between both of the main binary genders. Trying to do both nearly killed me before the doors opened wide and I again could pursue my life long gender dream. Could I ever really be brave enough to leave my male past behind, along with all the privilege I had earned and live as my authentic feminine self. 

The more I lived as a transgender woman, the more I felt I was doing the right thing and began to resent the fact I didn't try earlier. Throughout the whole process, it was easy to forget the evil days when I disliked all aspects of being male. But over the years I came to realize it was all a learning experience anyhow and helped me to realize how I could lead a more complete life.