Internalized Transphobia?

Internalized trans phobia is often a difficult subject. In many cases I relate it to how we treat each other as a transgender person. As we all know, for whatever reason, it is not the best. Unfortunately, it seems the ravages of transition has left persons deeply flawed. Or they simply were before their changes took place. The only place anymore I interact with another transgender person is the occasional cross dresser - transgender meeting I now attend by Zoom. Or, through comments here on the blog. I do my best to remember why I started this blog. It was to provide any help I could to anybody.  I am so fortunate to be able to say, over the years I have received very few transphobic comments to respond to. My favorite continues to be someone who wrote in and told me I was just another old guy on hormones. 

Looking back on other instances of transphobia in my life came from the site where it turns out I met up with Connie and Marcia for the first time. There was a person who lived relatively close to me here in Southern Ohio who I thought might be interesting to know. My ideas came to a screeching halt when all I found she had to talk about was her former law practice and all the operations she had endured. Obviously, it was clear early I didn't meet her standards of being transgender. Even at a point when I was desperately trying to find my new self, it was obvious she wasn't the answer.  

For a more in depth look at how trans phobia can work within a person, let's take a look at how Connie perceives it:

"I know that I am retaining some internal transphobia. It is the reason that I am now working as an hourly employee instead of running my own business, as I did most of my working life. I know how difficult it is to grow a business, in the best of circumstances, but being rejected by a potential customer or client because of my "transness" would be stifling. I've had it happen to me once, and I am too afraid to put myself in that position again. Not closing the deal for any other reason, such as a high bid, can be hard enough to accept, but that's a reflection on my business skills - not on myself for who I am. Unfortunately, being a transgender woman is not on the list of "secrets to success for starting your small business." I have, pretty much, taken the route of going stealth (in the traditional sense; not as I see many people using it as a term simply for not coming out). I mainly just go quietly about my life, and I try to avoid putting myself into situations where my being trans has anything to do with what I'm doing. I see myself as a woman who happens to be trans, rather than a trans woman, which helps to keep my internalized transphobia at bay. Having nothing to do with the current virus lockdown, it's been a very long time since I've had a face-to-face meeting with another trans person. It's so difficult to not start a discussion about trans issues with another trans person, and I've often walked away from an encounter with another trans person asking myself why we didn't simply talk about something else - just as we would have with a cis person. Sure, it's what we have in common, but it's not the only thing. In fact, I remember having a discussion about that very thing with a trans woman! That, I think, is partly out of some transphobia. Even the time I spend reading and responding to blogs is partially a response to my own phobia. It's as though I need to defend myself or make some sort of explanation. I keep telling myself that what I write may be of help to someone else, though; maybe even right now (?)".

Great point...thanks!

More Growth

As a few of you may know, I share the Cyrsti's Condo blog content over several different social media or blogging platforms. I have decided to share this well thought out and wonderful comment from Jen concerning the "There is no Growth without Change" post from one of the other platforms:

"What a hard time it had to be when you had these earlier experiences of your journey. I’m glad you had the courage and took the chances of making those first purchases. If not, by letting that fear hold you down, you probably would have struggled by not getting to live your life to its fullest and be who you are today. Also, that question probably would have always haunted you, “What if..”

Now days, I know its not completely 100% accepted by society to dress and live as we wish. However, this generation has help along the way with things such as support groups, internet tutorials, television and with the lifestyle starting to be more common. (though we still have a long road ahead) What I’m saying is the gratitude for you, my beautiful friend and others that have taken on the hard part to pave the road to our future generations. I know for a fact that suicide can be a factor in the torment that one suffers just to live as who they are. I lost a dear friend to this. My friend was humiliated and publicly found out of his lifestyle. It affected his job and when his mother found out, he couldnt take the pain of the disappointment that he felt he put on her. My heart still to this day breaks. It shouldn’t have been that way. He wasn’t hurting anyone yet the stones were cast until it finally took his life.

I am so very grateful for the road that is being paved for the generations to come. So hopefully people will not have to live secretly having the fear of rejection, cruelty, guilt and disappointment of this world come at them, trying and tear them down. This road is being paved by you and others that have opened up and share their stories that I hope will reach the one feeling alone and feeling as though they have no choice and have to live a miserable life in hiding or even implicating suicide. Thank you. By discussing these things and others being open minded, it may save the one who’s suffering by this world being able to accept and not discriminate.
That very person may come across this blog and find the support and encouragement they need to live and not only to live, but to live the life they want and know that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing. "

Thanks to you for commenting!

Pictures

Very rarely do we learn the story behind any of the pictures we see on line. In fact, I stopped even looking at one site I used to be active on because I was beginning to doubt more than a few of the "glamorous" transgender women or cross dressers weren't actually cis women in reality. I tried to tell myself too, pictures can be photo shopped and are only moments in time. So much more goes into presenting as a woman than is represented in a picture. 

But, the neat thing is about pictures is, they often are all we have to pass along idea's and remember where we were at a time and place, Take this picture of me for example. First of all it was taken a couple of years ago when I had longer and a darker/auburn hair. Secondly, it was taken in one of those mirrors with special soft surround light, All of which contributed to making me look different than I normally did. Finally, it was taken during one of those rare moments in time i had my finger nails professionally done. All in all, the picture is still me...with an asterisk. I have to add though, nothing of what I did would be different than many cis women would do to enhance their appearance in a picture. 

In a recent Cyrsti's Condo post, I used one of a couple of Connie's pictures I happen to have on file to accent one of her comments. Here, is her return comment:

"So, the pic you chose was taken about eleven years ago. It was that very day that I came out, in person, to a woman friend. It was the first time anyone from my past life had met me as Connie (other than my wife). My friend had no idea of what she was about to see, when she stopped by my house on her way home from work. It went well, but I decided, afterward, that I would never surprise another like that again. I realized that it wasn't really fair to the other person, as it can put them on the spot. Then, it took another three years to come out to most everyone else - except most of my in-laws (about 100 of them, if you count cousins and such). The word had spread, though, so it was just a matter of making a gender reveal, of sorts, at a (very) large family gathering, in 2014. I don't remember exactly when we first met on that (pastel color) site, but, with all the back-and-forth yapping we did, I can't believe we waited so long to finally take action. I look at that pic of myself, and I see that I was beyond ready to transition at that time. I may not be as young, and less wrinkly and saggy as I was, but I'm still every bit the smartass. Sarcasm is not limited by gender! ;-) BTW, in my story, I was both of the people in the Thunderbird. I have had dreams, since my pre-teens, of being behind the wheel of a turquoise '57 T-Bird. I'm in a cute halter top that is tied at the midriff to show my skinny waist, my natural long blonde hair covered by a silk scarf, with big sunglasses and red lipstick on. Oh, and I can't forget the perfectly manicured and painted fingernails, as my lovely hands are resting on top of the steering wheel. Too late now; I can't get there from here, either."

Nice! Thanks for the memory!  Also as many of you who read the post comments know, Marcia also remembers our (witty???) give and take on the website I mentioned (not by name) because I believe it still exists. It's a small world in the trans community if we like it or not.