Watching the Wrong Movie

 

Image from Mason Kimbarosky 
on Unsplash

Recently it occurred to me the biggest problem I had in life was, I was watching the wrong movie. 

The movie I was born into was simply the wrong one and I ended up not being able to escape from the theatre for too many years. It took me way too long to finally decide I was transgender and get on with it. The problems were not unique to me and ran deep within the transvestite or transsexual community. I wanted to be a pretty cheerleader instead of a football player, I wanted to wear the beautiful gown and be courted at prom. The list went on and on along with the wrong movie. Also, I spent hours daydreaming of how it would be to be a girl/woman along with hoping I would wakeup and be able to live my dream. 

As with all movies, the one I was living in had it's ups and downs. Even though I didn't want to experience a male existence at all, I was forced to and managed to find pockets of satisfaction when I was successful. The greatest one was when my daughter was born. The rest of the time, I was mainly locked in the wrong theater and forced to be part of the unwanted movie. It turned out during most of this time, I was working behind the scenes for when the movie ended and I could escape. During this time I managed to break out of my gender closet and begin to explore the world as my feminine self. The times I was successful at watching a new movie just helped me to wanting to see more of it.

The new movie was so interesting when I saw more I just knew I had been forced into the wrong theatre my entire life. The new movie featured the women I wanted so badly to become, if I could fit in and be accepted in the show. Many aspects were correctly pre-identified by me from my years of closely observing women. Such as, women were the high maintenance gender and nearly always on stage if they liked it or not. I needed to become used to the more or less constant attention from both genders. The part I could never pre-learn was how it would be like to really live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. The communication aspects alone of being in a new movie were scary to say the least. Not only did I feel I had to be equal to the cis-women around me, I had to be better to be allowed to continuing to watch the movie.

As we all know, movies change and have plot twists in the middle and being up to date on what I was watching became very important to me. Was I dressing to blend, how was my voice were all part of key elements I needed to face daily and not get rejected from the new movie I loved so much. As the movie unfolded it was clear I always should have had a ticket. Sadly, I did but I took so long to use it.

Another key to knowing I was finally watching the right movie was I never lost interest and haven't to this day. I love the new transgender movie I am in and try to live it to the fullest.

Transgender Crisis Management

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I suspect many of you have experienced your share of "crisis management" during your life. It applies to you no matter how you identify as a transvestite, cross dresser, transsexual or transgender person, you have experienced your share of potentially embarrassing moments.

It all started early in life for all of us (in the extreme majority) who did not grow up in a gender supportive family. We needed to be extremely careful when we dressed in our feminine wardrobe, or clothes we "borrowed" from sisters or mothers. We had to be careful not to ruin the clothes we were trying desperately to wear. Plus when we tried to wear makeup, there was the problem of taking it back off. Crisis management became very important to me if and when someone in the family came home early and I needed to take off all the clothes and makeup in record time. 

Little did I know crisis management would follow me through my life. When I got married to spouses who totally didn't approve of me cross dressing so much, I would need again to rush to take all the makeup off along with the clothes of course. Life with my second wife was the worst because we made a deal I ended up breaking many times. The deal was I had three days a week to cross dress as a woman any way I wanted. Even to the point I could leave the house as a man, rent a motel room and redress as a woman. It was heaven to me for awhile until I became so successful as a feminine person, I wanted more and more. I came to the point where I was sneaking out of the house every chance I had and breaking the promise we had set. In essence I was cheating on my wife with myself, the other woman in my life.

Along the way, I sustained many other crisis management situations. Looking back they are humorous now but at the time were anything but. The most embarrassing I can remember is when I had the brilliant (not) idea to use water balloons as breast forms. What could possibly go wrong, right? One night as I was enjoying the "bounce" I experienced from my falsies, one exploded and my water balloon broke. Fortunately I was on my way to the women's room anyhow, so I was able to hide in a stall, dry myself off and sneak out when the coast was clear. It turned out to be all right and I didn't have to tell someone I was pregnant and my water just broke. Or explain how I had just lost my bustline. 

Another of my mis-adventures occurred when I decided to wear my high heeled boots to my regular venue on a snowy night. I was certain I had navigated the boots in the past and if I was careful I could do it again. Of course I was wrong and when I had to stand up from where I was sitting at the bar, down I went. Not exactly the feminine exit I wanted in my new fancy boots. Very quickly I gathered what was left of my confidence, summoned  what was left of my dignity and walked out. I was lucky my dignity was all which was hurt. 

Through it all, my previous experience with having to deal with any crisis served me well. I was prepared for having my heels get stuck in a sidewalk all the way to the more extreme situations I described. Just think, it all started with me rushing to remove my makeup when my brother came home from school early. I was prepared for the worst and expecting the best. I was lucky, my gender glass was always half full. No matter how much misfortune I was experiencing. 

Similar to everyone else with deep gender dysphoria, I went through my share of crisis management. Even if it was based in reality or was all mental, somehow destiny was telling me I needed to see it all as I followed my own transgender path. 

One thing you could say was somehow even with advanced crisis management, life was never boring.

Regrets?

 

Image from Lucien Andrei 
On UnSplash

Recently I wrote a post which in part involved any regrets I may have had when I transitioned into my authentic feminine life.

Today I decided to go a little more in-depth on such an important topic. Why? Because I can not write enough concerning all we transgender women and trans men can lose we we attempt a gender transition. Families, friends and occupations can all disappear quickly when people close to us and can not adjust to the gender adjustment. 

The biggest mis-conception comes when ordinary citizens think we actually had a choice when we transitioned. Like anyone wants to give up potentially their whole life to live as they please. Often it comes down to a life or death decision when it comes to transitioning. Suicide or self harm becomes a very real possibility for many transgender people, including me. So when it came to regrets, I didn't have many because I was able to transition and preserve my life as I knew it. In essence I wanted to change my life dramatically while I kept my soul. 

Through it all sadly my male person kept hanging on. Somehow he knew his days were numbered because once I had determined I needed to follow a different binary gender path, as a transgender woman, I could never go back. The regrets of leaving a lingering male existence behind were lessened when several obstacles disappeared. The first of which was how much of the old baggage I was able to take with me into a new life. Could I still enjoy several of the same things such as drinking a beer and enjoying my sports teams with like minded people. Or did I always need to plan ahead for hours to put together a feminine outfit everyday I went out. Jeans and a nice top would work to blend in with most of the women in the venues I was used to going to. Life began to normalize out quite nicely when I learned my only child (a daughter) accepted my MtF gender transition totally. The trade off was I lost my brother who did not accept me but the blow was softened when my wife Liz's family took me in. 

As it turned out, life didn't hand me many regrets when I transitioned. I know I was fortunate and probably not the norm when it comes to the transgender community. All I really had to do was find a way to basically financially support myself. I knew there was no way the company I worked for would accept a radically different me interacting with others in the people intensive industry I worked in. I solved my money problems when I decided to retire early and do my best to augment my income with selling collectibles. From that point further my regrets were few and I was free to proceed ahead with living a fulltime life as a transgender woman. 

Of course the biggest regret factor I experienced was the fact I dodged the self harm aspect of not being able to live an authentic feminine life. Once I progressed past that dark period of my life, I was free to concentrate on learning a whole new life, almost. First I needed to mesh my past male self and all his baggage with my new self and her future life. Once I did, any further regrets went away and I embraced a bright future. One I never thought I could ever achieve.