"Passing" as a Goal

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

First of all, let me contradict myself and use the term "presenting" instead of "passing". I just think it is more appropriate because presenting describes more accurately what we are trying to achieve. By saying I was trying to "pass", I was just trying to fool someone into thinking I was a woman. By presenting, I was seeking to show an authentic look at my inner feminine self. 

Whatever I referred to it as, the fact remained I was obsessed with doing it. I wish I had back a fraction of the time I wasted admiring all other women and wondering if or how I could ever look the same. What happened was I grew more and more frustrated with my results when I cross dressed and tried to admire myself in the mirror. The only relief I received was when the mirror lied to me and told me I was an attractive woman. The relief was short lived and very soon I was a very difficult person to live with as my gender frustrations increased. 

Very slowly and with a huge amount of effort, I was able to better learn the artform of makeup and which clothes actually flattered my male body. Even still, it took me years and years to get to the point when I could concentrate on being my authentic self rather than looking like a person I wanted to be. Nothing changed until the wonderful evening when I finally decided what I was trying to do or go with my life. By this time I was seriously considering I was more transgender than anything else. Considering it more than living it was a different experience all together. To do it, I needed to quit obsessing on "passing" and start "presenting" myself as a total feminine person. I chose a venue where I knew single, professional women were accepted and after a stern talking to myself, in I went to sample what turned out to be a new life. I was terrified to say the least.

After the evening turned out to be a success, I knew me "passing" was forever gone and now I could move on to exploring how my life could turn out if I lived my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Deep down I knew I could never go back to living as my old unwanted male life. I will never forget the evening and I am sure if my life indeed does flash before my eyes, I will see the evening again. That's an idea of how important the entire happening was. Plus, once just "passing" ceased to be a major part of my life, the being a fulltime transgender woman became another obsession.  I set out to try to do new and different scenarios in which I put myself in situations an everyday woman would face. Examples were when I decided to lessen my visits to malls and clothing stores and try to eat and associate more with the staffs at different restaurants I could go to.

Since this entire post has been primarily dealing with semantics anyhow, I guess you can say I associated "passing" with being a cross dresser or transvestite and presenting with being a transgender woman. None of it really mattered to me, if I was advancing my goal to live my new gender dream.  Which destiny showed me the way to do as it turned out to be a life or death situation.   

It's a New World

 

Raquel 

Without bringing up too much unpleasant history, it was possibly the time of Donald tRumpt's election when it became more and more in vogue to outwardly criticize transgender citizens.  I have an example. 

A long time acquaintance of mine moved from Ohio to Texas eight years ago and lives full time as a transgender woman, mostly with no problems. Recently though all of that changed when she went to a diner she knows well. Her name is Raquel and here is a partial look at what went down:

"I avoid news/politics. But I feel like I'm on people's radar lately. Yesterday as I was walking out of a diner, two drunk couples were in a booth, and this big tough guy gets my attention...

"GUY: Hey! You're not a dude, are you?

ME: [loudly] F***. You.

GUY: I'll take that as a yes!

(his friends are kinda looking around like WTF I'm not part of this)

GUY: No, you're beautiful! You had me fooled!

Coincidentally, this was the 8th anniversary of the day I moved to Texas, and it was also one of the only times I've been carrying pepper spray with me. Because people are crazy. And something's up. And nothing would make me happier than hitting this guy in the face with cop-strength capsaicin."

First of all, I admire Raquel's courage in not backing down from this guy but I remember her well and am not surprised. Years ago, she was with me the night three drunk guys started playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" non stop at a sports bar we were at. Both of us were determined not to back down and let them chase us out of the venue. I am also surprised all she was carrying was pepper spray. I believe she has gone through firearms training.

I get the feeling the public these days is more emboldened to leave their comfort zones and challenge our transgender ones. It is sad we have to go through all of this as well as all the anti-LGBTQ or transgender bills in the state legislatures these days. Little does the public know we have been a part of them since history has begun and we are not going anywhere now.

Even still it is important to note it is a new world and I am always prepared to be confronted about my gender status when my wife Liz and I go out in public. We have not gone as far as buying pepper spray but have equipped our key chains with devices which could be used to stab and hurt would be attackers.

More than ever before, it is time to be aware of our surroundings as transgender women. It doesn't look as if these times are going away anytime soon.

Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.