The Pain of Gender Transition

Image from UnSplash

When anyone states gender dysphoric individuals or gender fluid folks who seek to live as their authentic selves did it because they  had a choice, I think they are crazy. They obviously don't  know anything  how much pain and suffering goes into our journeys.  Most of us from our earliest days grew up with unapproving parents. It took me until my early twenties to come out to my Mom. Which at that time I was rudely rejected by the offer of psychiatric treatment. At the same time I never came out to my Dad and both of my parents have long since passed on. In fairness to both of them, at that time, there was very little information available on any gender issues. 

Even still, none of that excuses the pain I suffered. I went through days and even weeks wondering currently exactly which gender did I want to be on any given day. Of course the more I researched my mind, the more I knew I wanted to be feminine. I just couldn't find a path to get there. Plus, once I started to find my way, I needed to figure out if it was the correct path and what were the roadblocks going to be in the future. As it turned out, there were plenty.

As I always mention, the thought of losing my male privilege's as well as friends, family and work consumed me. The pain led me to drink too much alcohol as well as developing an active self harm personality. 

As far as my male self went, I fought every feminine encroachment as hard as I could but it seemed the only way I could numb the pain was to give in to my gender desires. No matter how many times I tried to relieve the pressure to be feminine by cross dressing, all was good for approximately three days or so before the urge to present my femininity began to build to a pressure point I could barely maintain. In the meantime my old male self became a disaster to be around. To this day, I don't understand how the significant others in my life stayed around me. On many days I didn't want to be around me. 

As my pain and suffering continued and even increased the tearing of my inner self approached the point of no return. I made it to the point I thought death would be an improvement to the way I was living. A place I found no one should ever be but an overwhelming number of  transgender are. In itself, the threat of suicide should prove to the doubters being transgender is far from being a choice. It is a deep desire and need. 

Sadly the transgender transition path is lined with many obstacles along the way. Once we conquer one roadblock more complex ones crop up. The whole process again proves those following it are in it for the long term and it was never just a choice.   The pain was real.

Escaping the Closet

 

Photo Courtesy  Becca McHaffie
on UnSplash

During my long path to finally discovering I wasn't a man at all, I realized I made many mistakes along the way when I considered how I treated women. First of all, I was very shy around girls and or women, so I had a tendency to go slow when I actually met one. In fact my shyness held me back from really getting to know the gender I was so attracted to, for all the wrong reasons. By the wrong reasons I mean I didn't really want to date or be with a girlfriend, I wanted to be them. For this reason, I think most women weren't particularly attracted to me. I certainly wasn't one of the so called "bad boys" but came off as being too nice. I had one woman in college tell me something to the effect I was similar to dating a comfortable living room chair. Which was the last time I ever saw her.

I guess I was trying too hard not to be the guy around me who only mentioned a girls' physical attributes. When at the same time, I secretly wanted to be the girl the guys were making all the fuss about. In turn, these girls were the focus of how I wanted to look like in front of the mirror when I had the rare privacy to cross dress. My feelings also carried over into my sports activities when I would watch the cheerleaders instead of concentrate on my position on the football team. I again thought the cheerleaders had such an easier and glamourous life, so I wanted to be them. 

About this time, the military draft stepped in to change my life forever. I was forced to go to college earlier than I should have so I could put off the draft as long as possible,  The whole experience reinforced my inner opinion women had it better because they didn't have a forced military adventure in their future. For some reason, after my current fiancé and I called it quits, I decided to go it alone during my three years in the Army. Sure it was lonely and often I was envious when my friends received all their letters (remember them?) from home. The only correspondence I ever received was from my Mom. I learned the hard way what didn't kill you made you stronger. The true reason, deep down, I didn't follow up on any possible female attention I could have had was because I wasn't so sure of where my deep seated gender dysphoria would take me.

It turned out to be my own forced loneliness was the smart way to go. The whole process enabled me to see the extent of my gender dysphoria and try to come up with any sort of plan to deal with it. Of course that was easier said than done. When I returned to civilian life, I basically started back in  where I had left off. Secretly attempting to sneak in dressing in women's clothes whenever I could find the time and privacy. Plus the birth of my daughter, all of the sudden added another spectrum to my life. Like it or not, she brought stability. Which for me was often hard to accept. Even still, stability did not bring any major changes to my gender issues. During this time I was suffering from undiagnosed Bi-Polar mood swings and gender problems dealing from not being able to get out from behind the mirror and free myself from my gender closet. 

With therapy to help my mood swings and gender knowledge from the internet to help me, I slowly began to see the light at the end of the tunnel was not the train. In essence I had to set aside most of my past male self and learn all I could about living a life from a woman's perspective. The entire process was terrifying, exhausting and exciting all at the same time. Before I knew it, I could put a huge portion of my past behind and start building a promising new future. Free from my dark and lonely gender closet. 

No Gender Fear

 

"Rest Room Selfie" from the
Jessie Hart Collection

On the rare occasion I hear from someone who thinks I was brave for pursuing my gender dreams. First of all I consider the "brave" word should be reserved for those who really deserve it such as those in the military, first responders etc. I was just doing what I needed to do to survive my reoccurring gender crisis stemming from my extreme gender dysphoria.

Looking back, I can vividly remember all of the times I was positively frozen in fear when I was trying for the first time to express my femininity. The times when I felt all eyes were on me when I first entered a new  venue and the walk from the door to where I was going to sit seemed to be at least five miles away. I also felt as if my feet were stuck in sand as I tried to remember to mimic every feminine move. Of course the harder I tried, the more I would mess up. It wasn't until I became more relaxed that I began to do better and enjoy the experience.  

Then, there were the dreaded rest room visits. Since I was known to consume lots of beer, a rest room visit was more than a luxury, it was a necessity. I found out early in the presentation game to beware of women who would quickly follow me into the rest room. When they did, I needed to be especially careful to follow the basic etiquette of using the woman's room. There were so many (and continue to be), all the points would fill another blog post. Again, it took me awhile to settle down and relax before I could even think about being accepted. 

As I climbed the invisible ladder to being a more presentable transgender woman, it seemed the times I experience extreme panic would come and go. Many times I felt how my overall presentation was working dictated the results I was going to experience. Examples included the nights I hurriedly was  sent packing in a lesbian bar I was frequenting. From the well documented time I was forced to sing karaoke with a big butch lesbian in a cowboy hat all the way to another woman who said she ought to pick me up and take me home, my fear set in and I rapidly left the bar. After all, what would my wife say?

As you can tell, fear struck me in many ways. Since I was basically a shy person to begin with, I was extremely intimidated by the idea of talking to another person (woman or man) as a feminine person. On one hand I was flattered they wanted to talk to me but on the other hand what would I say. In those days I still basically was dealing with the usual male life topics such as work and sports. I was truly scared when I came to the communication aspect of transitioning. I never planned ahead because I never considered I would make it this far. When I did indeed scale the gender ladder to a point I could reach the transgender woman level, of course I was scared. Among other things, I was scared of losing my family, friends and living. I was never scared of anything more in my life. 

The farther I went in my gender transition, I was able to put my fear in my past. Mainly because for the first time in my life I knew deep down I was doing the right thing. It wasn't bravery, it was survival.