The Sweet Spot

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

 Relax, this is not another post about food. Following my post called "Cake" I almost went searching through out  the kitchen looking for baking supplies to augment my non existent baking skills. This post on the other hand, concerns the gender sweet spot we encounter when we finally are able to align our inner feminine gender selves with the exterior we show to the public.

As we all know, attacking the problem of presenting a respectful exterior self to the public as a brand new gender is very difficult. We face all sorts of issues from the lack of peer pressure to having (or acquiring) a knowledge of clothing and makeup In other words, we had no mothers, sisters or girlfriends to provide feedback on our journey to public womanhood. Through it all the pressures of maintaining some sort of a male existence  while at the same time trying our best to express true womanhood seemed to be an impossible task.

For those of us left literally alone on the gender frontier, often the mirror became our only friend. The problem was the mirror only showed us what we wanted to see. Not what the public was seeing in reality. The process led me to suffer tough love when I tried too many fashion statements. To put it mildly, they were ill fated and led to public rejections. The extra pressure of trying to disguise my testosterone poisoned male body was intense. Following more failures than successes , I finally found what I was searching for... a chance to live my life as my authentic self. The basic lesson I learned was when I began to dress for other women and stopped dressing for my outdated ideas of what men thought women should look like.

What my new path set in motion was a chance to live a life I had only previously just dreamed of. Even though I had set my new life in motion, it turned out I still had a ways to go before I found my sweet spot where my internal and external feminine genders aligned.  I knew I was coming close to alignment when gender euphoria set in for any number of reasons.  Primarily, one of the main changes I went through was when I was forced into communicating with the public as a transgender woman. To more than a few women I knew I was a curiosity but it was all good because we were learning from each other. They had a chance to learn why a man would want to join their "club". On the other hand, I had the opportunity to learn from the women how it was to communicate one on one with another woman. 

The more I was able to explore finding my sweet spot, the more I knew I could never go back to my old male self. Even though I knew it was a certainty I could not go back, I still stubbornly held on to my past. For what ever the reason, it finally felt as if  I was jumping off some sort of a gender cliff. I was on a very slippery slope until I hit the very edge and I let go. I was fortunate in that I had friends to catch me when I landed. All were women and I can never thank them enough. The whole process was similar to going to some sort of a finishing school.

Locating my gender sweet spot was a lifelong journey and was often very difficult. Deep down I knew the process was something I just had to do and it all became worth it. 

Cake

Image from Katie Rosario 
on Unsplash

I'm sure you have heard the term "Having your cake and eating it too." In itself the term brings a complex meaning to the average transgender woman. If there is such a thing as an average. I equate having my cake when I reached a point in my feminine presentation when I found the confidence I could blend in with the public at large. Little did I know I would have such a long way to go to be able to finally taste the cake I so desperately wanted.

Baking the cake took longer than I anticipated mainly because life got in the way. Before I knew it, I was trying to mix in a liberal dose of cross dressing with attempting to raise a daughter and make a living. Also, several wives were mixed in, all of which knew of my cross dressing urges before the relationships even started. The problem was my cake recipe at the time did not include anything which remotely included dealing with transgender issues.. As I would discover over the years my cake recipes kept being ruined when I faced my gender truth. All my poor recipes were being destined for failure because I did not diagnose my own gender dysphoria as more than just wanting to appear as an attractive woman. I can compare the process as being given a great looking piece of cake only to find out it was dried out and nasty. 

At that point, following more than a few bitter battles with my second wife over what a woman really was, I began to adjust my gender recipe after deep research into what she really meant. It took awhile but I finally began to learn what she meant and I set out to eat my cake. The wait was worth it and my new improved recipe enabled me to live a life I had only ever dreamed of. I could live as a full time transgender woman and as my wife told me being a woman went far beyond just looking like one. Appearance just turned out to be just part of the recipe which included portions of ecstasy mixed in with a large portion of agony. There was nothing better than when my look seemed to come together and my presentation confidence reached an all time high and nothing worse when I ended up looking like a clown.

When I finally was able to bake my feminine gender cake with confidence, I was able to attempt larger more complex cakes and eat them too. I was faced with the massive challenge of communication for example. If I had taken my overall presentation to where people were prepared to talk to a woman, it was time to not disappoint them. I learned the hard way communication meant much more than how I sounded, I had to build into my recipe how what I was saying was important too.

I had plenty of time to perfect my transgender recipe, nearly fifty to be exact. I ended up eating lots of cake, along with wearing plenty of cake also. On occasion, I thought I would never be able to get it all together. Plus when I added feminine hormones to my recipe my future was decided for good. Of course I could always go back without my hormones but I never wanted to. 

As a self professed "gender baker" the time and effort I put into my cake was so worth it. The fun part is we all have the opportunity to bake our own unique and distinct cakes. 

   

The High Mainetenence Gender

Image from Amin RK on
Unsplash

I don't think I would receive much argument from women or men that women are certainly the high maintenance gender of the two. An example would be what a woman (trans or not) has to go through to appear well dressed in public. Instead of just putting on a nice shirt and pants as her man does, the woman in question has to make sure her legs are shaved all the way up her body to how her hair looks. Plus, I didn't even mention applying tasteful makeup and adding extras such as jewelry as well as other matching accessories. 

In addition to the physical aspect of being feminine, there is the actual bodily changes a woman goes through in her life. The major changes of puberty all the way to menopause isn't very long when you think about it and I am not even mentioning the impact child bearing has on a woman's body. Estrogen doesn't get the press testosterone does as being a powerful hormone but I can tell you from my viewpoint coming from being on both, estrogen does pack a wallop. Just consider the hormone surges a woman goes through at puberty and pregnancy and the reversal when menopause sets it and I wonder why I ever wanted to cross the gender frontier and live full time on hormones as a transgender woman.

As I look back, much of my love for cosmetics and the obsession with the way I presented as a woman was fun to me. Or at the least it was all very satisfying, when it worked. It's easy to forget all of the times it didn't work and I came home crying. Still I wanted desperately to become the high maintenance gender. I wanted to be the well put together woman if I was attempting to blend in as a business professional woman or a boho hippie. I was having fun doing what felt natural to me.

At the same time, I was leaving all the boring male trappings of society behind me. I was bored with all the same old drab colors and fashion which never changed. Being the high maintenance gender was heaven to me. Even as I become older and my introduction to estrogen has been part of me for awhile now I have even changed the way I think about pregnancy. Whereas before I always considered it "woman's work" to carry a child, now I consider it a blessing to be able to bring another new life into the world. 

I guess my life wasn't complex enough as a man, I wanted more. As a member of the high maintenance gender. This morning is an example. Just to go to the pharmacy, I had to make sure I was wearing a light foundation, eye makeup and lipstick. Along with my long hair pulled back. I wonder if my Mom would approve as she was the standard bearer for me as an example of the high maintenance gender.