Woman Up

 Perhaps you have been told to "man up" and do something during your life. The best example I can come up with is going through basic training in the military. These days with the welcome influx of women in the military, basic training may be a different experience but in my days it was definitely not a coed experience. Since it was during the days of the Vietnam War draft days, I had no choice but to man up and make it through. Which I did. I ended up taking approximately twenty five pounds of fat

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

off and replacing it with muscle. All of that was good I suppose but at the same time I was desperately missing my urge to cross dress into my feminine clothes. There were times when we were on forced full gear long marches the only thing which kept me going was dreaming of the times I had when I dressed as a woman. I had to "woman up" or hitch up my non existent feminine panties and successfully concentrate on the task at hand. 

Over the years it became evident to me the whole Army experience became a focal point in my life. I learned the hard way I could eventually overcome almost any obstacle on my way to living as a fulltime transgender woman, On occasion I was certainly terrified of crossing the gender frontier and losing my male privileges' but I went forward anyway mainly because deep down I felt so natural doing it. As I entered the second major transition in my life from cross dresser to novice transgender woman, the thrill I experienced when I succeeded and survived was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It felt like I had finally had woman-ed up I did what came naturally.

The problem was all my good feelings were directly challenged by my wife's desire not to live with another woman. The process became a prime example of being stuck between a gender rock and a hard place. I felt I had to continue to explore living as a transgender woman but she was standing in my way. In all ways she represented any chance I had of continuing to live what was left of my male life. Finally one of our fights became so bad she told me to man up and become a woman. She was prophetic in many ways. After a failed suicide attempt on my part and a sudden death from her, the doors swung wide open for me to finally allow my dominate feminine being to exist. As it happened, my life really changed and I had to hitch up my big girl panties or woman up to survive in a world I had only dreamed of. As I discarded all of my old male clothes, with the limited funds I had I had to make sure I was buying useful utilitarian clothes which i could be attractive in and still blend in well with the other women I met. 

It was around this time also when I decided I could retire on early Social Security pay as long as I sold the house full of antiques and collectibles I owned. Through a couple of on line services I used, I was able to exist and retire so I didn't have to attempt to transition on the job in the very conservative company I worked for. I guess you could say I missed being able to woman up by transitioning at work and dodging a major hassle other transgender women and trans men face. 

From that point forward, the biggest hurdle in my MtF gender transition was my decision to woman up and schedule a doctors appointment to see if I could begin hormone replacement therapy. When I found out I could, I was ecstatic. I could now woman up again and take another major step towards achieving my gender dream. In life though nothing remains static and now I remain ready for the next challenge I have to get ready for. Or woman up again. 

How to be Transgender

What a question...right? All of us most certainly have a different but yet oddly similar answer to the question. Along the way here on the blog we have created quite the niche with transgender women who have decided to complete their gender transition later in life. A commitment such as that requires quite the sacrifice. Often we have to give up long time family ties losing beloved former friends and family who refuse to accept our new authentic selves. 

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Along the way, we had to learn our own ways what it meant to enter a new and very foreign feminine world. I know in my case, often the whole process was terrifying. It occurred to me  I was giving up years and years of effort to be a person I never really wanted to be. I know none of that sounds different than the path you followed. Other examples include time in the military and the time and effort you had to put in to grow up fast as your transgender self. After all, we didn't have the benefit of a mother, sister or peer group to aid in shaping our new world. For me it was very difficult to learn I would never be able to recapture a past as a girl I never had. As I write many times, I was guilty of trying to dress as a teenaged girl stuffed into an oversized male body still loaded with testosterone. 

By living my mistakes I learned how to become my unique form of transgender woman. More than likely many of you did also. Many of us are fortunate to have been shaped by the cis women around us. For each disapproving spouse there are so many more who often begrudgingly come to accept the new woman in their relationship. I know with me, even though my second wife never accepted my transition to a transgender woman, she still shaped my transition in more ways than she ever knew. Her comment I was a terrible woman was an example. It came after a practically successful time for me when I presented as a woman. It turns out she wasn't referring to my appearance at all but more about the remaining male ego I still dealt with. It took me years to finally realize what she meant. I'm sure many of you, similar to me, considered yourself to be students of all things feminine. It was difficult to figure out what was good and what was bad for me and entered into how I felt I had to progress towards how to be transgender.

Many of us also who were raised in the pre-internet generation feel our gender growth was stunted in many ways. Leading us to feel we lost the chance to work on a gender transition earlier in our lives if we only had the information to learn from. Since we can't go back in time, we just became better in working with what we had to work with. Sometimes we pashed too hard when we tried to explore outside our restrictive gender closets and had to dial our goals back just a bit until we could get back on track and put our lives back together. 

Together was the key term. Since we have lived longer, the more gender baggage we had to consider bringing with us as we crossed the gender frontier. For instance I had to decided what I was going to do about my lifelong passion for sports. I ended up solving the problem by discovering and being able to socialize with several other women who enjoyed sports as much as I did. How to be transgender for me suddenly became a positive experience for me. On the negative side, my brother who I used to watch many games with vanished from my life when he and my sister in law refused to accept my new feminine self. Of course there were many more important baggage items to consider such as property, jobs and family to name a few. It all is the exact opposite to what young transgender folks face. Their problem is how do they face the future of difficulties with employment and benefits as they build their lives. It seems nobody wins. 

The bottom line is how to be transgender is never easy and is for gender survivors only.

Should We Stay or Go

Perhaps you have heard of former Navy Seal Kristin Beck deciding to de transition from Kristin (a transgender woman) back to their original male self Chris Beck. 

I have followed Beck for years. In fact I donated a few dollars to their political campaign many years ago.

Image Courtesy 
Chris/Kristin Beck

While I was not so disappointed they de-transitioned, I was disappointed when I thought what anti transgender activists would make of the move. We transgender women and trans men are under too much pressure to begin with. Regardless, it is everyone's personal prerogative to do what they desire with their gender. 

I'm sure in most of our gender journeys at one time or another we have thought about going back to our previous selves. If I go back to my early purges when I threw out most of my feminine belongings, each time I felt this was it. I would never have the desire to look like or be a woman again. It never failed, after a very brief period of gender relief, I would always go back to what turned out to be a return to a strong desire to replenish my wardrobe of feminine necessities. In fact, not only did I add new items to my "collection" I was able on occasion to add accessories from other cross dresser acquaintances who decided to purge at approximately the same time. One in particular had to empty out his secret storage unit before his unapproving spouse caught on. As I remember, I inherited a very realistic set of silicon breast forms I couldn't easily afford.  

As I slowly stair stepped my way up the cross dressing ladder. I became too serious and ended up quickly separating myself from the so called "hobbyists" who claimed they casually put on women's clothes as a hobby. I found I more closely aligned myself with the more serious cross dressers who were headed towards living fulltime as what was known in those days as a transsexual. I had no idea if I was able to give up my successful male life to do it but on occasion I felt so natural when I was in feminine mode, I didn't see how I could ever give it up and return to a fulltime male life. I remember vividly the parties I went to at a friends house in nearby Columbus, Ohio which usually always included an impossibly feminine person or two I could measure myself against as I tried to determine my gender status. 

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to go through the stress and tension it would take to go through a transgender transition in a very public eye. We all were witness to the overall debacle which was the Jenner transition. Now we have the Chris Beck de-transition to deal with. I hate to think both of these ill fated moves has determined what people may think about me. What we, as transgender people, need to prove is we are not going back to our old selves not even thinking how easy it would be. Plus I wonder, no matter what, if one could jump the gender frontier without having lasting memories of how easy or difficult it was to live our truths. 

I just hope de-transitioners finally find their happiness.