Maybe It is About You

Paula from https://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com sent in this response on my recent post about gender transitions being selfish:

Photo Courtesy
Paula Godwin

" I am reminded of an occasion when my wife said to me "Not everything is about gender" I feel for very similar reasons. My whole world had become centred on my own gender identity ~ for me at that point everything was about gender, and how I could resolve my issues.

I had become very selfish and my need for resolution was all consuming. Although I loved my wife and wanted to preserve our marriage, I needed to sort myself out before I could try to do that, and by the time I had sorted myself out it was too late.

Of course transition is selfish, we do it for ourselves, it is our resolution to an existential problem, and there will be casualties along the way, casualties in the form of relationships, careers, status etc. Sometimes we have to be selfish just to survive."

Thank you Paula for such a thoughtful comment.  Sadly you are correct when you consider what a transgender person has to go through to complete a gender transition. We do normally have to undergo an almost complete interactive experience to follow our path to our authentic selves. We even take it to another level when we expect our spouses to come along in our journeys. Often to the point of wanting them to provide gender secrets they learned the hard way as they were progressing towards their own woman hood. My theory is no one is born a woman or a man, it is a socialization process. In nearly no one's case do they have any experience to start with with another transgender woman or trans man. So it takes extra time for spouses or friends to adjust and accept the new you. Too many don't stay around long enough to realize the improvement you realized with your transition. With the weight of the world lifted off our transgender shoulders we become better humans.

It is also true we have to be selfish to survive. The will to open the gender closet door and explore as our previously hidden true selves just becomes too much to live with. One reason for the extremely high number of suicides in the transgender community. In other words we find ourselves between a lifetime of living between a rock and a hard place. Often a beloved spouse is the rock and our gender dysphoria is the hard place. I found myself living that life for years and it nearly destroyed me. My old male self just didn't want to give up all the privileges I had accumulated and my second wife flat out refused to live with me as another woman. Similar to Paula I had to be selfish just to survive. I am of the opinion also you have to learn to love yourself before you can fully love another. 

Another of the hardest problems to explain to an non understanding person is we had absolutely no choice when we decided to complete our gender transition. Proving we are not going through a phase or some sort of fetish is often a long or even impossible process. This process proves once again we need realistic and/or sympathetic characters in the media or in the public eye to prove once again we transgender folk are not so different from anyone else. The only problem is at one point the gender process had to be all about ourselves for survival. 

Class Reunion?

 Have you ever attended a class reunion as your authentic self? Facing the daunting experience of facing your former school peers who knew you in the past. I admit for several reasons I never have. I do believe Stana of the Femulate blog has attended one of her reunions but that is it as far as any other transgender women or men I know. 

As far as I am concerned, I haven't attended  any of my high school class reunions. Even my fifty year class reunion which happened several years ago. I did attend one AFTN Radio and Television network reunion in New Orleans also which occurred years ago. But I attended it as my old male self and just brought a set of feminine clothes I could change into and explore the city after our get together was over. Ironically, there was another transgender woman at the reunion. I didn't know her from our years in the military in Thailand and was sadly unable to even say much of anything to her. She appeared to be quite early into her transition and unfortunately very ill at ease. I tried to get her attention to talk to me but never made it happen.

Photo Credit
Jessie Hart

There are many reasons I did not attend any of my high school class reunions. The main one being I knew very few of the other students in the school to begin with since I transferred in from another very small school. I was very shy and was able to develop just a small group of friends in the school. So I never felt a part of the overall fabric of the school to begin with. Leading me to feel a disconnect I have to this day. As far as my gender issues go, of course I experienced them in high school also. I dated very little but did manage to land a steady girl friend during my senior year. Due to circumstances out of my control I wouldn't have the opportunity to meet up with her and show off my new improved self anyhow because she went to another school and also ended up committing suicide when her second husband left her. Past that there were only a couple of other people I would be meeting up with after all these years anyhow. So I didn't bother on going. Plus I had it in my noggin thinking I would win some sort of insane most changed contest. None of the process appealed to me.

As far as college reunions went, I guess because I had never donated any money after I graduated that I never received an invite to any  reunion of any sort. Another function I didn't have to worry about. At my age also, just out living everyone else is a challenge. 

So no I haven't made it yet to one of my class reunions and at this point don't need the ego boost by proving to myself I could do it. Maybe if I live long enough, I will try to make it to one just to see how anyone who is left changed themselves. Especially the ultra popular girl who sat near me quite a few times in study hall and homeroom because our names were close together alphabetically. Out of pure curiosity it would be interesting to see how time has treated her. Of course back in those high school days I was driven by out of control hormones similar to everyone else. Not similar to everyone else was the fact I was in the middle of a testosterone fueled transition to my body I didn't want. It could be the reason I don't want to return to or reminded of a period of my life I hated. More than anything else going to a class reunion wouldn't help me. Not even a triumphant return from a life I didn't ask for would help me decide to attend an event where no one knew me before or after. 

    

It's Not All About You

During my often one sided obsessive goal to be a better transgender woman, my second wife often told me it all wasn't about me. The truth be known, it was all about me. At the time my one sided gender obsession only included her when I wanted to go out with her to dinner dressed as a woman. It was normally all good when she caved in and decided to go out with my feminine self. The problem was,

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

she didn't like my woman self. I believe now it all started with my propensity to dress as what I considered in a sexy nature. To no avail, even when I attempted to dress down for her, it was never enough. It was probably because she felt I hadn't learned enough about what being a woman was all about for me to be considered worthy to be one in her eyes. Along the way she had always accepted the fact I was a cross dresser but never entertained any thoughts of me going on hormone replacement therapy and transition my exterior self to a woman. 

All along I learned and accepted it was all about me. The end result was it was my life and I was attempting to live it the best I could. It just so happened my internal problems with life centered on my gender dysphoria which could be a very visible problem to conquer in public. As I tried my best to present as a woman, I would do things such as wearing sunglasses to see if others were staring at me all the way to trying to look in a mirror at peoples reflections to see if they were looking at me. Eventually I learned it indeed wasn't all about me. The great majority of people had their lives to lead and didn't really want to include me in their lives. 

In other words, my wife was right for perhaps not all the right reasons. She of course was considering the future of a possibly fast disappearing relationship to consider. While I was considering if I could salvage the marriage at all with my gender issues weighing me down. She had to decide what the future would hold.  Since I dearly loved her the entire process was torture for me. 

By now you probably have considered the fact it all was all about me. Call it selfish or not I ended up doing what ever I could to survive. My premise all along was gender was one of the most powerful decisions we ever have to consider in our lives was proven to be correct so many times. The fact the vast majority of people don't have to worry about it at all was a benefit to them. They never had to wake up in the morning wondering what gender I would have to be that day. I would not wish the experience on anyone. 

Perhaps, most importantly I learned the hard way I finally made the right decision as far as my gender transition was concerned. When I became a full time transgender woman I became a better person. Partly because such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was so tired of living a life cross dressed as a man. I say that because it turned out my dominate personality was female. A fact I knew all along but didn't have the personal courage to face. 

It was all about me.