Pre Thanksgiving Thanks

 We actually have a fairly busy time ahead for the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. On Thanksgiving Day we make the hour journey north to the Dayton, Ohio suburbs where we have an invitation to my daughter's Mother in Law's dinner. Which means a blog post for tomorrow will be an extremely difficult thing to accomplish.

Normally, the get together involves my first wife as well as many others. She also has another get together on Saturday which we can't attend because of a certain college football game between The Ohio State Buckeyes and the team up north (Michigan) the game has huge national football playoff considerations. So we decided to choose the Thursday meal to attend. 

Always before we leave and sometimes even during the dinner, I make sure I pass along my appreciation for being accepted into their family when my own rejected me after I came out as my authentic self...a transgender woman. It still feels different after all these years to need to pick out the proper outfit to wear. This year I have decided on a cream colored cable knit sweater paired with black leggings and my charcoal gray boots. Obviously I don't want to overdress the casual occasion but on the other hand don't want to go too casual. I don't go looking for compliments but it is always nice to be complemented by my first wife who was around for my early years as a cross dresser. Often with questionable results.  

I know how fortunate I am to have essentially two accepting families for the holidays. My daughter, her in laws and my wife Liz's family. I see so many LGBTQ and/or transgender women and men who have been totally rejected by their families when they broke out of their gender closets. I am also lucky in that even though I can cook, I prefer to leave the work to those you seemingly enjoy it such as Liz. 

Another extremely satisfying part of going also is the chance to see my transgender grandchild and their partner. I feel Liz and I are good role models. During a holiday season which was seemingly started by the tragic "Club Q" shootings, I feel blessed by the situation I am in. In other words, I am so thankful this time of year.

While we are on the subject of being thankful, it's time to repeat what I always say, how thankful I am for each and everyone of you who take the time to stop by and read my writings. I always try my best to answer any and all relevant comments. Plus this year, I have everyone on the writing platform "Medium" to thank also. It's not a contest but I thankfully have developed a nice small following on the platform. Again thanks to all who have subscribed to, commented on, or clapped to my writings.

Transgender Risk Management

Through life, transgender or not we face risks. Who do we marry, when do we have kids are just a couple of examples. We transgender women and men face many other risks other than the normal lifetime choices. 

Club Q Memorial

The major risks we face as we are beginning to emerge from our gender closets is to try to present well enough to blend in with the public and look like a clown which I often did. Unless we are one of the very few "naturals" who are very androgynous appearing to begin with, we face major hurdles as we attempt to grow into our authentic selves. In my case, once I learned to dress better and apply makeup more skillfully I was able to make it to the next level of risk. Which was trying to communicate with the world as a transgender woman. In a relatively short period of time I was able to master the artform of feminine communication. In other words I learned the subtleties of how to talk to another woman as a woman. The process was so fascinating and different. Once I had mastered this risk of  being able to comprehend what was really being said to me, I had to move on to the next level. Another example was being complemented on my appearance as a woman, when they were really saying I was a good looking woman for a man. 

Around this time was when I was extremely lonely and began to go out to venues I was familiar with as a single transgender woman. I called it going out to be alone. Again, in a short period of time I developed several venues which I considered low risk I go go to and be accepted. I didn't have many problems being a single transgender woman in those venues but when I started to expand my places to go was when I pushed too hard and tried new venues to see if I presented well enough to get by and hopefully add a new venue to add to my regular places to go. A few succeeded and others I had the police called on me, mainly when I tried to use the women's restroom. Needless to say, I never went back.

Another major risk I tried was when I began hormone replacement therapy. When I started HRT I was in my early sixties so I had my age to consider as well as possible health considerations. Would my body be able to accept the changes I was putting it through and benefit at the same time. Following a very slow exploratory time on hormones, my doctor determined it was fine to increase my dosage to a point where I could really see the changes. Even still, as dosages go, I am on a comparatively low dosage so as not to risk blood clots and other complications which could occur at my age of seventy three. In the words, I know I have been very fortunate to have been able to experience the deep feminizing wonders of HRT.

As I wrote this post, I decided to save the biggest risks for last. The risks we transgender women and trans men face when it comes to the high probability of losing jobs, friends and family when we gender transition. Especially as we approach the holidays, I see too many transgender folk in despair because they are alone when family has refused to accept them. Then, let's not forget the physical harm risks we all face which was tragically proven at the "Club Q" tragedy in Colorado. I believe two of the five killed were transgender.

With the future looking as if we LGBTQ individuals are going to have to struggle to overcome every risk we have to face, perhaps the most challenging opportunities for risk management are yet to come. 

Why Men Don't Trust Me

 I left the men's club is the main reason. Men don't trust me. I knew how to play the game. On top of just playing a game I never wanted to play, I was able to play it fairly well. I had a loving wife and daughter, a good job, two college degrees and my own restaurant when I decided to leave the club. I was macho and tried desperately to hide any feminine tendencies I inadvertently would show a friend or stranger. Cigars, many beers and sports were my best friends.  As you can see by the image I worked hard at it. 

My before picture cross dressing as a man.

The problem was, I didn't want to play in the club at all and never did want to play. In fact years later I finally came to the conclusion I wasn't cross dressing as a woman, my inner feminine dominant self was cross dressing as a man. Even though I took my time transitioning to my authentic self, there were still surprises I was too naïve to realize they were going to happen.  

What I am referring to is all the male privileges I lost and relatively quickly. In fact, I was able to measure how well I presented by how I was treated by men. I can't say I was treated as a cis woman because I didn't know exactly what that was, I just know I was treated differently the better I presented as a woman. The first time I felt it was a night in a large sports bar venue when for some reason I ended up in a conversation with a group of men. Through it all, even all I was knowledgeable concerning the subject, I was ignored. It was my first experience at being ignored  as a woman in a male dominated conversation. Of course from there more was to come. Much more as a matter of fact. Along the way I learned how vulnerable I became as a transgender woman when a much larger man cornered me in a hallway and I quickly learned how women could be taken advantage of sexually. 

Then there were the times I almost was attacked in dark spaces I shouldn't have been in to start with. I finally learned to ask for friends to escort me to my car. The so called honeymoon phase of leading a feminine life and leaving the men's club was rapidly disappearing. I knew it was coming, just not as fast as it did.

Another reason men didn't trust me is for the same reason the two main binary genders have a difficult time communicating to start with. The men who knew I used to be in the men's club also knew I had knowledge of what went on behind the male gender curtain which threatened their often male senses of being. I have often mentioned how men in reality are the most frail gender and they proved it to me again after I transitioned and even began to try to date a few guys. After being stood up a number of times when I insisted meeting in a public place and meeting a few guys who wanted to wear my panties I finally gave up on the pressure of trying to find a good man and fell back into the circle of women friends I had been fortunate enough to develop. I didn't end up missing the men's club or their mistrust of me at all. Before I go any farther trashing men as a gender, let me say stereotypes are wrong to use and I did encounter several decent men along the way. Timing and destiny, or mistrust on my end could have spelled doom for any potential relationships I may have developed. 

As it turned out I never burned my military draft card during the Vietnam War and I served my time. On the other hand, without any remorse I burned my men's club card and moved on. I had again served my time and I was able to move on. I guess you could say my failed attempt to live out my life as a man was as doomed as the war in Vietnam anyhow. It was just wrong.