Monday, November 21, 2022

Why Men Don't Trust Me

 I left the men's club is the main reason. Men don't trust me. I knew how to play the game. On top of just playing a game I never wanted to play, I was able to play it fairly well. I had a loving wife and daughter, a good job, two college degrees and my own restaurant when I decided to leave the club. I was macho and tried desperately to hide any feminine tendencies I inadvertently would show a friend or stranger. Cigars, many beers and sports were my best friends.  As you can see by the image I worked hard at it. 

My before picture cross dressing as a man.

The problem was, I didn't want to play in the club at all and never did want to play. In fact years later I finally came to the conclusion I wasn't cross dressing as a woman, my inner feminine dominant self was cross dressing as a man. Even though I took my time transitioning to my authentic self, there were still surprises I was too na├»ve to realize they were going to happen.  

What I am referring to is all the male privileges I lost and relatively quickly. In fact, I was able to measure how well I presented by how I was treated by men. I can't say I was treated as a cis woman because I didn't know exactly what that was, I just know I was treated differently the better I presented as a woman. The first time I felt it was a night in a large sports bar venue when for some reason I ended up in a conversation with a group of men. Through it all, even all I was knowledgeable concerning the subject, I was ignored. It was my first experience at being ignored  as a woman in a male dominated conversation. Of course from there more was to come. Much more as a matter of fact. Along the way I learned how vulnerable I became as a transgender woman when a much larger man cornered me in a hallway and I quickly learned how women could be taken advantage of sexually. 

Then there were the times I almost was attacked in dark spaces I shouldn't have been in to start with. I finally learned to ask for friends to escort me to my car. The so called honeymoon phase of leading a feminine life and leaving the men's club was rapidly disappearing. I knew it was coming, just not as fast as it did.

Another reason men didn't trust me is for the same reason the two main binary genders have a difficult time communicating to start with. The men who knew I used to be in the men's club also knew I had knowledge of what went on behind the male gender curtain which threatened their often male senses of being. I have often mentioned how men in reality are the most frail gender and they proved it to me again after I transitioned and even began to try to date a few guys. After being stood up a number of times when I insisted meeting in a public place and meeting a few guys who wanted to wear my panties I finally gave up on the pressure of trying to find a good man and fell back into the circle of women friends I had been fortunate enough to develop. I didn't end up missing the men's club or their mistrust of me at all. Before I go any farther trashing men as a gender, let me say stereotypes are wrong to use and I did encounter several decent men along the way. Timing and destiny, or mistrust on my end could have spelled doom for any potential relationships I may have developed. 

As it turned out I never burned my military draft card during the Vietnam War and I served my time. On the other hand, without any remorse I burned my men's club card and moved on. I had again served my time and I was able to move on. I guess you could say my failed attempt to live out my life as a man was as doomed as the war in Vietnam anyhow. It was just wrong.

1 comment:

  1. Two thoughts come to mind, one is " I have nothing against masculinity, indeed I rather like, just not in me!" the other is a phrase that I find I keep using in all sorts of situations, "Nothing makes you understand privilege like giving up"