Just Google It

 The group which is presenting me with a honor for my LGBTQ transgender military service so many years ago requested a picture if I could find one. It was so many years ago (1972-75) and was a time which I wasn't especially fond of having my picture taken anyhow, I doubted if I could find one. 

I was sure I didn't have any pictures "just laying around" the house. Finally, I remembered a few of the former guys who served where I did on the American Forces Radio and Television Service - Thailand Network actually put together a website years ago. I began to wonder if I was in any of their pictures.

I went out on a limb and googled my deadname and AFTN and amazingly, there I was. Listed in a group picture of the entire crew of the military Udorn, Thailand radio/television station in September of 1972. I would have been approximately six months removed from basic training and the station itself was still fairly new. A year before, a battle damaged fighter jet had crashed into the old station killing all nine of the workers inside. So the surprise picture brought back many memories, many not so good.

At any rate, I have decided to share the photo on Cyrsti's Condo. I am on the bottom row, first person on the left. I worked all nights then and lived off base, so somehow I escaped not having to wear a uniform for the group. Ironically the only other military person shown here not in uniform was my close friend Dave Mallett. 

With this group we operated and tried to maintain a 24/7 radio station and a 14 hour a day television station for the airbase and separate "secret" sites in Cambodia. Our job was to provide as well as we could a connection to home for the others we served.

I am humbled and honored to receive the award!

  

Hari Nef

 Hari Nef (below) is an American actress, model and writer. Nef made her runway debut at New York Fashion Week Spring 2015, walking for both Hood By Air and Eckhaus Latta. Nef is known for speaking about trans issues. She is the first openly transgender person to appear on the cover of a major British magazine.

Don't Let the Middle Bother You?

 Almost anyway you look at it, dealing with gender dysphoria creates quite a bit of tension because you are dealing with a middle gender of sorts. Awhile ago I was surprised when several members of the cross dresser - transgender group I was in ,expressed they had never experienced any gender dysphoria as they transitioned. I finally thought they were fortunate enough to have never been in the dreaded gender middle ground. Being gender dysphoric and never wanting to give up certain aspects of my male life, came close to totally destroying me. Leading ultimately to a very serious suicide attempt. Several years later, I was able to discover I could bring many of the so called male activities I enjoyed so much with me as I tried to complete my transition. I say "tried" because I feel I still am transitioning to this day. 

As I always enjoy doing and when Connie sends along a comment which lends itself to a particular post, such as gender dysphoria. I like to share it. Here it is:

"As I sang in my comment the other day, You've got to ac-cen-tuate the positive E-lim-inate the negative The rest of the verse, though, may be more important here: Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between As trans women, there will always be that Mister In-Between who haunts us. We put on blinders to avoid seeing him, but we still are aware he's there. As much as I claim that I've transitioned to the point where I have integrated the better parts of my male-self with my female-self, I've really only managed to blur the line between the two - which is where Mister In-Between resides. He may emerge from the fog in different ways: His fat, stubby-fingered hands, his baritone voice, his scratchy face too long after a shave (not necessarily visible, but felt), his big head that connects to broad shoulders by a thick neck. 

Or, it could even be a memory from some long-ago feat of manhood. While none of those things are desirable to my female-self, though, I have to remind myself that they did not necessarily define my past male-self, either. Not only do I compare myself to other women, I have often found myself looking at some men who may have more-feminine features, such as smaller hands with long and delicate fingers, a higher-pitched voice, or a smaller head connected to narrow shoulders by a long narrow neck. Yet, they go about their lives as men because they were born to be men. Although they may wish some things about themselves could be more masculine, they don't have the dysphoria that is Mister In-Between. Still, though I may be envious of their feminine features,

 I would rather live with my dysphoria than to be a man - with feminine features or not. Don't mess with Mister In-Between, but don't let Mister In-Between mess with you, either."

Well put.