Transition by Definition?

Several years ago, we ran a post here in Cyrsti's Condo called Beyond Transition. At that time I mentioned I had a few more thoughts to share on the matter.  I was curious to see how many (if any) of my ideas had changed over the years:

"Beyond Transition" is a huge idea to be sure. I look at transition as a passage from point "a" to point "b".  When I look at the transgender community as a whole, does anyone ever really get to point "b"? My only point of reference is when I'm out with friends and I lose any sense of gender. I simply just am who I am. Have I transitioned, am I done? Am I the same as a transsexual woman who has gone through SRS and lives her life with no fanfare down your street? Could be...or not.

Although I have not had the surgeries the trans woman down the street has had, would her transition qualify as being more complete?  Probably not. In essence if either of us is facing taking estrogen till the day we die, we are still transitioning.  Perhaps the only defining separation is one of us is determined to talk about our life to hopefully lend some guidance to others - the other not and that's fine too.

On the other hand transitioning does imply a certain series of events.  The external move from gender "a" to "b" is very clear. You decide you need to change to live, you begin to socialize yourself in your non birth gender, you decide you want to ingest chemicals into your body to further the process and you go "under the knife" to complete any physical changes you may deem necessary. This black and white process looks very good on paper and especially works well with a male mind but often runs into problems with the mental processes.

In my case, some would assume I already have the problems with my mental processes, so it's been damn difficult on occasion to sort out what is coming from where.  An example is years ago on my first visit to a "gender therapist", she asked if I had any problems with my cross dressing. I said no but I did have problems on the effect it was having on my marriage.  To make a long expensive story short, the only good result of the visits was that she diagnosed me with a very clear bi-polar disorder.

So I guess MtF transitioning is in the mind of the beholder.  The TS woman down the street may be "snug as a bug in the rug" in her stealth life.  On the other hand, I don't think I have ever been snug at anything. If the river is calm, bring me a boat to rock to see if I can tip it in my heels. Plus I hope I never lose the wonder of where this life has taken me.

Years ago when Uncle Sam let me go after three glorious years, I was discharged at Ft. Dix in New Jersey where my car was waiting from Germany.  I threw my duffel bag in the back seat of my 1973 VW Beetle and headed home to Ohio.  The next morning was clear, blue and beautiful when I got onto the Pennsylvania turnpike.  Just for a split second at a toll booth on a hill and had a chance to look at the road in the valley ahead. What a rush of freedom it was!  I thought I would never have a chance to reclaim that moment again but guess what - I'm close. Never say never.

So I guess my transition will only end when I depart this life and I look back and think how crazy it was that being transgender was so earth shattering. I will get back to you on that!

Transgender Transition's Slippery Slope

I have been going back to 2013 and examining my old posts here in Cyrsti's Condo from the period.

The theme which seems to come through loud and clear, is 2013 was the time I was living an estimated two to three days a week as a cross dresser and thinking seriously of going 24/7. Of course the ramifications were huge.

Back in those days, I had three friends who ended up supporting me and they indirectly pushed me along. I did feel as if I was sliding down a slippery gender slope to a transgender life.

The difference to me from crossing the frontier from cross dresser to transgender woman was simply one of acceptance.

At the time, comments to the blog hinted I was no more than a full time cross dresser, since I had not always considered I was trans. It is a good argument, except when you consider I was easily into my 40's when the transgender term/life was even being explored for the first time. Also I need to point out I was running as fast as I could from the concept in my high heeled shoes.

Leaving my safe male background and all it represented was indeed a scary proposition.

The turning point? No matter how far or fast I was slipping down the slope towards the point of no return, the more natural I felt.

As it turned out, the fear of the fall was far worse than the landing. Little did I know I was headed towards a happiness I felt I would never know.

Yay or Nay

This archive post goes back a couple of years here in Cyrsti's Condo but it is still relevant for me today:

"Back in the day" when I was cross dressing and beginning to explore the feminine world, I constantly thought would I - could I ever "go full time."  Obviously (for any number of reasons) I took my time almost to the point of suicide. 

During that period of time a couple things stood out in my mind. One of which was a "documentary" of sorts about a person who was shown picking out a wardrobe ahead of her trip to Thailand for her SRS.  Afterwards, the story skipped ahead to a welcome home party of sorts to her home town. I thought at the time, wasn't that all a bit too easy? What did walking around in her new "little black dress" at the party have to do with her reestablishing a new life?

Then, there was the guy who went through sex reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for a few years and wanted no part of it. I remember thinking Wow - shouldn't a person be sure? Would I ever be? What if I went the distance and could never go back.

Well, I have never "gone the distance" as far as SRS was concerned and at the age of 66, I wonder about the health concerns of doing so. As it turned out, I learned the hard way what was between my ears defined me. Not what is between my legs.

I'm no expert but, over the years people have asked me what questions (and answers) which brought me to where I am today.  My best advice is very simple. There are two ways NOT to find out if you can OR if you want to live as a trans woman. No matter how much time anybody says you should live a feminine life, that does not mean walking the mall day after day or hanging out in gay venues. It means doing decidedly unfeminine things (which women have to do) like going to an auto parts store-etc. 

Plus, recently, Connie and I have have been discussing another level of acceptance in the world-as yourself as a transgender woman. In nearly polar opposites in the country we both became members of "Meet Up" Groups. In doing so, we have discovered total strangers like us for our feminine selves. Not a small deal of course. 

So, of course, if one rushes into this gender change thing at any age, it's tough. It just could be tougher the older you get and the extra baggage (not under my eyes!) which comes with age. I can only say, as I MtF transitioned, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was doing the right thing. I can also understand why many would call me all too timid also!!!"