 |
| JJ Hart. Pushing my gender\ boundaries. |
Very early in life I learned that violating gender boundaries could result in severe trouble.
It was obvious to me that the male dominated family I was
born into would ever accept a son who wanted to be a daughter. So, I had no
choice but to turn inward with my developing feminine senses in the male world
I was trying to be a part of. I was born way too early to take advantage of the
forthcoming online information world with the advent of computers and social
media. Again, I was trapped into trying to cross-dress my feelings away anytime
I had the chance.
The other main problem I had was that the gender boundaries
were so rigid and demanding I could not see any way out of my dark, lonely
gender closet. I lived in a rural area with mostly boys and no girls to have a
point of reference from. I only remember one occasion when the only girl in the
neighborhood was persuaded by a couple of the boys to show her naked genitals to
the group, and I was not excited but embarrassed for her at the time. Just
another example of how my sexuality was developing away from the “normal” male’s.
I had no need to see her private parts and wondered why I was so different.
Little did I know, it was just the beginning of challenging my gender boundaries
during my life.
As far as the rest of my life went, I wasn’t much of a
challenger of anything. It wasn’t until I reached my college years and was
drafted into the military during the Vietnam War, did I begin to challenge the
system. At the same time, I was starting to challenge the war and the politics around
it, I was pushing my cross-dressing boundaries by starting to leave my house
more dressed as the person I wanted to see if I could become. I even made what
turned out to be a huge mistake by coming out to my fiancé as a transvestite or
cross-dresser back in those days. I say huge mistake because she wanted me to
tell the draft board I was gay to stay out of the military service. Even then,
I knew a lot about myself and did not have to push my gender boundaries so far
to lie and tell someone I was gay. As a side note, then and now I did not have
anything against the gay community, but I just knew there was a real difference
between them and me.
Of course, the military stopped any gender challenging I was
thinking of doing dead in its tracks for nearly three years of my young life. The
only challenge I could do was mental in nature as I imagined how life could be
better for me as a transfeminine person when I was discharged from the Army.
Even then, I was restricted in my gender thinking to the reality in life. What
I almost did was send a letter (remember them?) to my future first wife explaining
it maybe a transwoman picking her up at the airport when she arrived for the
first time. She was in the Army too and was discharged about nine months after
I was.
Little did I know, if I had decided to test my gender
boundaries then it may have been one of the better times to do it because I did
not have the chance to build up all the troublesome male baggage I would
acquire later in life. On the plus side, I had a very new car that I had
shipped home from Germany, my stereo equipment and a sizeable bank account to
start a new life with. On the negative side, I thought I had a good chance of
losing my family, friends and job if I started all over as a woman.
Long story short, I did not have the courage to push my
gender boundaries any further than they were at the time. Except for a few
Halloween adventures, and the occasional night out, my life as a trans woman
was mundane. It was not until I could not take it any longer the annual yearly
adventures at Halloween, did I start to really push my luck by going out more often.
My early explorations were rough to say the least until I settled down and
learn how to blend in with the ciswomen who I found really ran the world I
wanted to be a part of.
As the world let me in as a transgender woman and/or I
finally learned the truth of who I was, I kicked and pushed until my gender
boundaries came down. It was like the steep slope I write about as I slid down
trying my best to hold on to what was left of my old male life but failing
miserably. As I continued to gain my new feminine ground behind the gender curtain,
which was hidden from me for so long, I had pushed by gender boundary so far, I
was too far gone. I was no longer afraid of the fall and knew I was too far
gone to ever go back to being my old male self.
From then on, gender boundaries did not mean much to me
except from my former history as a man, I could see both sides of the border
from where I lived as a trans woman. Leaving the man’s club scared almost all of
the cismen away but attracted as many of the ciswomen that I needed to set up a
new boundary. The new boundary was one which validated myself as a woman for
the first time in my life and it seemed I was learning daily how to adjust to
my new situation.
From that point forward, I changed my legal name and became
extra serious about my physical and mental well being by being approved for HRT
or gender affirming hormones. It just seemed by that time, I was just doing
what came natural in solidifying my new gender boundaries. Sure, they were all
big moves in my life, but good ones that I had always dreamed of making.
As always. Thanks to all of you who read along with my
lifetime worth of experiences. Your responses and comments make it so worthwhile
for me!
