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| Image from Jeremy Bishop on UnSplash. |
Coming off all my new and exciting Halloween adventures, it was time for me to decide if I was going into the deep end of my gender pool to see if I could sink or swim for my life.
One way or another, I knew I could not wait another full
year to leave my closet and explore a feminine world which I had barely learned
anything about. What I learned was that I loved the femininization process and
wanted to know more. I loved the process of learning to apply makeup properly
and the feel of the clothes, but even more the fact I was just a little closer
to living my dream of how a ciswoman really lived. To accomplish it, I would
have to keep swimming in my pool of life. Especially when I was in over my
head.
I caught myself in the deep end too many times when I did
not know what I was doing in the early days when I was struggling to blend in
with the world and essentially disappear to most of it. In the shallow end of
the pool, I discovered most strangers did not care about me anyhow as they went
about their everyday lives. It was the deep end where I ran into problems. Since
I always considered myself a quality student of the women around me, I quickly
found how little I really knew about where I wanted to go as a novice transgender
person.
It was not until I learned how complex a ciswoman’s life was
as compared to a cisman’s did, I figure out how far I would need to swim to
make it to my dream. To make it, I needed to become a long-distance gender
swimmer while I stayed in the deep end. To stay where I wanted to be in the
pool, I needed to fight back all the fears I had of stripping myself of the
male life I had tried so hard to build up and start all over again. To make
matters worse, I was highly insecure about if I could ever make it to my goal
at all. You have probably heard the old saying that you must dream about
something to do it and I was having a difficult time even dreaming about my own
unique path to womanhood. At the time, and into the future I knew I could not
afford any expensive gender surgeries so I would have to go the distance on my
own out of sheer will power as a transwoman friend once told me.
The only things that kept me going were the deep sense of
feeling natural when I was following up on my feminine instincts and an even
deeper sense of gender euphoria any time I succeeded. Maybe I could make it after
all and be more like my transgender woman friends I so admired at the diverse
parties I was a regular at in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I figured they had made it
in the deep end of the gender pool and so could I. Plus, every party I went to
seemed to teach me more about the life I was expected to live as a trans woman
without any gender realignment surgeries. Which separated me out from most all
the other accomplished transgender women I met in Columbus.
From there, I left the gay venues I was relying upon for
socialization and ventured into the straight bar scene I mention so much. It
was all part of treading water in the deep end of the gender pool until I
figured how I was going to make the next move. Either give up and go back or keep
on swimming. Along the way, I became tired of all the effort I was putting into
my new life as a transfeminine person until new energy came along to keep me
going.
I cannot say I was not in danger of drowning if I did not
vigorously keep swimming towards my dream goals in life. My already strained mental
health was already causing me to be very self-destructive and a danger to
myself, so I was in a bad place to be if I was in the deep end of the pool
struggling to figure out my future. To make matters worse, nearly everyone I
was close to in my life passed away within three years of each other leaving me
in shock and nearly all alone. Somehow, I found the inner strength I needed to
stay afloat until I was able to reach out to a whole new set of women friends
who enjoyed my company. Above anything else, they saved me from drowning while
at the same time teaching me the fine points of being a woman. I tried to thank
them, but they never understood and we continued to have fun together.
Included in the group was my current wife Liz who met me in
an online dating site against all odds when I was in a lesbian woman seeking
woman group. It turned out we lived semi close together and were able to correspond
online until our first date at a drag show. We have been together nearly fourteen
years now and married for the majority, so I consider that a great success story
which makes up for all the down times I suffered.
If you are considering a swim into the deep end of your
gender pool, make sure that you are sure you want to give up everything you may
have to not turn around and go back. It is never easy and each of us has their
own particular path to follow and you need to claim your successes when you
have them. Gender euphoria is often brief and fleeting for those of us who have
not been blessed with many natural feminine characteristics. We just have to
work harder to even stay in the pool and take everything we are given to stay
afloat.
I have had several recent comments from readers who are in
despair because they have nothing to work with as a novice transgender woman or
cross dresser but do have several understanding ciswomen who accept them to
fall back on. A great way to study the fact that all women are different and
more than a few might be closer to you when it comes to shapes, sizes and personalities than you think.
As I always say, I hope you can find your own path on the
way to your own personal gender freedom. Thanks for reading, and commenting!
