Destiny or Blind Luck

 

Image from Maia I on 
UnSplash.

As I mention often, escaping the restrictive male box I was born into turned out to be not an easy task. So difficult that I wonder how I ever made it and consider if destiny or luck was involved.

Since my life was laid out for me in what I was supposed to do with my male privilege, the choice to be a female was not included. I was expected to grow up, be intelligent enough to go to college and marry another woman from the college I was attending and help the family’s genetic pool flourish. Not much of that happened as I did go to college but never met the girl of my dreams enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. In fact, I had the sneaking suspicion the only woman I wanted to spend that much time with was me. Several obstacles were stopping me such as the male box I was in and my problems escaping it.

It turned out, the only serious feminine relationships I had were my form of the gay term “beards”. I just needed a ciswoman by my side to convince the world that somehow, I was “normal.” The same way some gay men use a wife and kids to somehow hide their true selves from the world, I was doing the same thing. Over the years, I discovered that was not so much the case because I was learning I just liked being around women much more than men. So, it was more of a destiny sort of thing coming through as I would realize later as I went through my male to female femininization transition.

Just using the femininization term might be wrong because I was just expressing what I had always known about myself but could not bring myself to express. All I needed to do was refine the process of how I was ever going to achieve the goal of living full-time as a transfeminine person. Far from the casual cross-dresser I was lying to myself that I was. That was when I went through another major gender transition. As I mentally moved away from my cross-dressing mentality, back to an idea I had so long ago when I was admiring myself in a mirror at home in dress and makeup. I thought then this was fine, but there had to be so much more. As in me being a girl myself.

For the longest time, I went through differing stages of emotion all the way to a self-pity form of being a victim to a problem that I knew little about and felt that I was the only boy in the world that wanted to be a girl. Then along came the world of computers and social media and the world opened to me that I was far from the only pseudo male who wanted to be a ciswoman and did not care what it took to get there. I quickly discovered too, by going to “Tri-Ess” mixer/socials that I was not going to find my answer there either. I did not find that magic friend that I could talk about my gender secrets with because everyone I met was not enough woman for me, or too much when it came to the rare transsexuals in the room.

I did what I always had done, I went back to my own feminine drawing board and at the same time continued to be an intense student of every woman around me. Destiny, not luck was driving me forward in a single-handed pursuit of my unique womanhood. The problem was I became a very selfish person with only a couple goals in mind. Advance my femininization process and, at the same time, advance in my job so I can finance it. I knew for sure destiny had me a comfortable seat on a runaway train and I just had to make the best of it. Another obstacle which kept popping up in my way was the fact I could never make it across the gender border and behind the so-called sacred gender curtain without help from my destiny. My wife said it best when she called me a terrible woman and it had nothing to do with how I looked. The fact was that I still had years of socialization to go through before I could truly say I did not make a terrible woman and she was wrong.

I thought that since I was “making” something, I better do a good job at it. Since very few humans have the chance to stop their old life and start all over again. Except that was not entirely true as I began to think about it, destiny and being female was always apart of me. I just did not know how to express it. It turned out to be on me to learn to express myself the way I needed to be to do more than survive in the world I was in, I wanted to thrive as a transgender woman. A world I was in a rush to learn as much as I could to experience. My woman was always living rent free in my head and wanted more, and I was ready to give her more access.

With extra access, my life became easier to live as I was able to feel comfortable in my new feminine life. My vision of destiny became easier to understand too as there was no luck with what I was doing. I had earned every bit of my progress by living it and it all felt so normal. Sure, as I always point out, there were many obstacles in my way. Including a strong constant denial coming from my old declining male self. Who was a “self” in title only as all his male privileges were slipping away. I had good teachers who taught me where my true validation in life should be from…myself, especially from other cismen who were resentful that I had left their club.

I had claimed my freedom from their club, and what I always wanted to do was claim my destiny. There was no luck with it.