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| Image from Frame Harriak on UnSplash. |
The best advice I never got came from no one.
There was no one there to tell me anything about what I was
doing when I was doing my best just to be feminine. No one to tell me my skirts
were way too short and tight and my makeup looked like I just left a circus
clown drag show. And better yet, no one to tell me I was heading along a gender
path which would ultimately ruin my life if I kept it up.
The only person who was screaming in my ear initially as I
cross dressed in front of the mirror was my male self-telling me to hurry up
and get done before I risked discovery and the end to the world as I knew it. This
was the time too when my feminine side was lying to me by telling me I was a
pretty girl. Maybe I could see some of my femininity in my pre-male puberty years
but quickly faded with my bodily changes.
As life progressed as it always does, I witnessed the battle
of my voices as once again my male side was telling me to stop cross-dressing
and never do it again and my feminine side saying keep on trying and things
will get better. Even though it was difficult to listen to the best advice I
never got I kept deciding to pursue my feminine side and see what would happen,
At that time, I was stuck in a series of Halloween parties where
I could dress as myself and not fear reprisal. Plus, I could judge how I was doing
with what I wanted to wear and with how far I had come with my makeup skills or
lack of them. I was aware that I was at risk for stirring up potential risks of
being discovered when someone would ask who shaved my legs and applied my
makeup. I just said I shaved my own legs and did not mention who did my makeup
because my second wife did not wear any. I was normally Ok because it would
take another ciswoman to question my makeup because if a man did, I would
figure he may be part of my femininization club. I learned so much from the
Halloween parties I went to that not going to them dressed as myself was the
best advice I never got.
I think it is ironic that that almost everyone has advice
for everyone else except when it comes to transgender women and transgender men.
It seems, our situation is so unique that the only advice someone can come up
with is just not do it. They have no understanding of what we are going through,
and it is so much deeper than just wearing clothes of the opposite gender. Maybe
that is why I never got any advice from anyone except one of my self-proclaimed
gender therapists who told me there was nothing she could do about me wanting
to be a woman. Like a dummy, I ignored the only good advice I could have received
at the time.
It wasn’t until I started reading certain on-line computer
sites did, I really encounter advice as transgender “Nazi’s” as we called them.
Who continually did battle with many cross dressers, who received little or no
respect from the transsexuals as they were called then. Being the cynic that I
am, I enjoyed quite a few of the comments as the gender battles raged on. Seemingly,
respect from some on the site was only gained by how many gender surgeries you
had gone through. Why I needed to wait to receive advice I did not want from an
internet site which should have been welcoming to all but wasn’t.
By the time I hit my experimental stage to judge where I
should be in the world as a man or a trans woman. I was not in much of a mood
for much advice, and it was the best advice I could ever get. I was very much
on my own in the world as a new transfeminine person and loving it. If someone had
told me to stop what I was doing, I would have said hell no as I was having the
time of my life.
I think other ciswomen sensed my confidence in who I was and
mostly just interacted with me out of curiosity and at the same time, without knowing
it showed me the way behind the gender curtain. I needed their help to achieve my
dream, and not much advice. As the curtain parted and I learned what I needed
to exist in a world I had only dreamed of, the best advice I got was none
because I did not seek it out.
I cannot say I did not need advice when it came to making my
final gender decisions. Primarily the day when my future wife Liz saw me
mentally struggling again with my gender issues and flat out told me she had
never seen any male in me. Go ahead and transition into a feminine world. In
all fairness, I heard the same thing from my second wife years before but could
not figure out how to do it. This time I could do it and received a doctor’s
approval for HRT gender affirming hormones and major changes to by external and
internal body was underway.
It turned out to be the best advice I ever got. Especially
when my stubborn self-listened and decided to change my life for good. To the
place it should have always been. Making my way in a world of ciswomen. Now I
want the time back that I lost, but it is too late. I will just have to take my
own advice and make the best life I can with the time I have left.
Thanks to you all who read along with all my experiences.
Hopefully they will help you with yours and of course I will offer my own advice
from all that I learned when you comment. Without all of you, none of what I do
would be meaningful to me.
