What Could Possibly Go Wrong

 

JJ Hart

What could possibly go wrong when you transition genders from one side of the gender border to another? We all know the answer to that question. A lot can go wrong when you start the process of traveling your long gender path out of your closet into the world.

It seems the path never gets any easier the longer you go. If you start early in life, and happens to be in an understanding family, you may be able to begin hormone blockers before you enter the hated results of the gender you want nothing to do with. And that door is rapidly closing in backwards states like my native Ohio which are doing their best to ban any gender care at all for anybody. Especially minors.

On the other hand, if you are forced to wait in life for the hormonal poisoning which goes on in puberty, you end up playing catch up your entire life as you either have to go through extensive, expensive operations to present more authentically as the person you want to be or stay the course and try to present effectively with makeup and clothing skills. Which was the path I needed to take. Plus, let’s not forget the obstacles we face when we are first considering the HRT gender affirming hormonal route. To do it right (which you should) you should seek the help of a doctor to help you along which is an unwanted expense that many transgender women and transgender men may not have the finances to cover. Then there is the extra route I had to take with the Veterans Administration of having to go through mental health screenings before they would approve my HRT at all. I was fortunate to be matched up with a VA therapist who had knowledge of the LGBTQ world so all that could have gone wrong never did.

When you male to female transition later in life like I did, many risks come along with doing it. All of us must give up almost all we have worked so hard to achieve, such as having spouses, friends and jobs reject us as we must start all over in life. What could possibly go wrong with wrecking your own life often becomes a reality.  I know firsthand of several trans people who had their lives wrecked, simply by wanting to live as themselves. It seems no one under the transgender umbrella gets a free ride out of the rain. Let’s say you are very passable but still must worry about a stray toxic man threatening you physically when he discovers your truth. It all takes what a ciswoman fears most in the world as far as sexual violence goes and takes it to a whole different level.

It is difficult to live a life when you forever are looking over your shoulder if you are transgender, but it happens. For example, when you leave what was left of your old male privileges behind, you leave much of your personal safety privilege with it. You better begin to learn what ciswomen are taught from a young age to know. Think ahead and do not put yourself in potentially dangerous situations such as dark city streets when you are alone. It happened to me before I almost learned the hard way not to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It takes a strong individual to seek admission into the transgender tribe. We must go through a lot of trial and error to learn what is right and wrong on the path we are taking. In my case, often more error than trial as I had to keep going back to my cross-dressing drawing board over and over again before I was able to overcome all the testosterone poisoning I was subjected to and I learned to blend in and exist in the feminine world I had always dreamed of but then again, I kept finding out what could I be doing wrong and kept on going. Sometimes I pushed my trans envelope too far and had to lick my wounds and get back in the game.  It took me awhile to regain my confidence and get back out in the world. So far away from my privileged male life as I could get. Again, I asked myself what could possibly go wrong with what I was doing with my life.

The answer kept coming back that everything could go wrong and I could be forced into before I was ready into the feminine world I wondered so long if I could live in. I was at the crossroads and needed to get off the middle gender ground and do something about it. I ended up again following my instincts and making the only decision I could. It was not everyday that I had the chance to reassess where I was in life. I needed a real conversation with myself possibly for the first time ever. I was surprised at how fast the conversation went as I thought why was I continuing to put myself through all the gender problems I put myself through. I was paying for all the stress without any benefits. Somewhere along the way I veered from my male path and never wanted to go back which was the most important decision of my life. It was time to attempt to find some joy because who I had become and time to build a new life from my old male self.

It turned out I was engaged for years in a long-term relationship with my feminine self. Not being closer hurt, me sometimes drastically and I had to repair them. No more internalizing my feelings for a change. I was finding out what could possibly go wrong if I did not face my truth. Shame on me for not doing it.

I faced my truth again yesterday when I went for my annual physical exam at the VA. I have been lucky to have the same doctor look at me for years now, so she has never questioned my transgender status at all. I had a lot to do yesterday, including blood work. flu shot and overall exam when things became a little sketchy. When she was listening to my heart, my doctor heard something she did not like and immediately ordered an EKG. She did not think it was anything to worry about but just wanted to send it to a cardiologist to look at. It means a lot to me because my mom passed away from heart problems at approximately the same age that I am. Now I am awaiting the results. On the bright side, all my blood work came back fine. Even my estradiol, which surprisingly, agreed to check it for once at the new clinic I was going to for the first time. It should mean I won’t have to have my blood work done when I go to Hematology next month.

What is the worst that could happen? Hopefully I can stay active and continue to lead a productive life.

Thanks for reading! Any comments are always welcome!